Zim and Dib get high: the movie

Baked

"GIR! WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?" Zim shouted harshly through the base. Gir was making his gross brownies again, which usually smelled pretty bad, but this was just fucking atrocious.

"IM MAKIN MMMMMM BROWNIES!!" The retarded robot screeched with glee. He held out a tray of burnt brownies to his master. "I PUT GRASS IN IT!!"

"Where the FUCK do you come up with this bullshit?" Zim asked, irritated.

"I SAW THE KID WITH THE BIG HEAD EAT ONE!!! HE TOLD ME THEY WERE SPECIAL BROWNIES!!!!! I MADE SPECIAL BROWNIES!!!!!!!"

"Special.... in what way?"

"DUNNO! HEHEHEHEHE!!"

Gir shoved one of the brownies down Zim's throat, to which he gagged and kinda threw up a little. Oh my god it tasted fucking awful. Have you ever eaten an edible? You know how it tastes like grass? Imagine this one, jesus christ.

"CHRIST GIR." Zim spat out the nasty ass shit brownie and coughed like a motherfucker. "I BET THIS WAS ONE OF DIBS PLANS TO POISON ME! BY MANIPULATING MY OWN ROBOT!!!!!" Oh man is he mad.

——

Dib was watching Minecraft lets plays like he usually does, y'know, when he's not being a total creep. He was just enjoying his mountain dew and Doritos when suddenly an oversized green cockroach came into his room through the window. Except it wasn't really a cockroach, it was just Zim. Goody.

"DIB-STINK! DONT TALK TO ME OR GIR EVER AGAIN!" He exclaimed furiously.

"Yo zim zam my man what the hell you talkin' about bro?"

"You know what i'm talking about!! You manipulated GIR into poisoning me!! You fucking asshole!!"

Dib was taken aback by the sudden accusation, not only cause it was weird, but the dude was fried. Like, he was baked. "Man I didn't do nothing." He said carefully. "I was just showing the little dude my special brownies."

"SPECIAL POISON BROWNIES???" Zim SCREAMED.

"Nonono dude they're pot brownies they cant kill you."

"YOU PUT KITCHEN SUPPLIES IN THE BROWNIES?"

"No man, look." Dib pulled out a small cylindrical container, and when he opened it, it was full of a strange ground up plant that Zim had never seen before.
"It's marijuana. It makes you feel good."

"Feel good? How?"

"Here." Dib  handed Zim a pot brownie.
"Eat it, I promise its not all that bad. You won't die."
Zim hesitated, but decided to go along with it anyway. His relationship with Dib was a lot less hateful than it was when they were younger, and even though they still had some kinks to work out, they were kind of friends.

Zim ate the brownie.

"Okay, what now?"

"Wait."

"Wait? Why? Whats it gonna do?"

"Don't worry dude, in the mean time lets play Mario kart, you can be princess peach."

"YES!!"

—
"Oh my god." Zim said groggily. "I feel like... jello."

"Oh you're high man." Dib said nonchalantly. "Its nice right? Aren't you relaxed?"

"Man...i'm straight chillin."

"Haha, sick." Dib then proceeded pull out his bong to fill himself a bowl, and Zim watched him, fascinated. Dib noticed Zim's staring. "You want a hit?" He asked.

Zim squinted his eyes in confusion. "What is that contraption? Is it a weapon?"

"No, it's called a bong. You smoke the weed out of it. I'll show you." Dib then took the fattest fucking rip Zim had ever seen, though it was the only one he'd ever seen. Dib exhaled a thick cloud of smoke into the room, and it looked really fucking cool. Zim was amazed.

"Let zim try!!" Zim said eagerly, making little grabby hands.

"Okay, but it might hurt a little.. i'll help you out."

"ZIM NEEDS NO HELP! ZIM CAN-" he was cut off by dib handing him the bong, a new bowl packed.
"...Zim has no clue what to do."

"Here, put your mouth on the opening, and when I turn on the lighter, just inhale."
Zim complied, and inhaled cautiously as Dib lit the herb for him. Suddenly, Dib pulled that little tube-thingy out of the contraption and smoke shot up into Zim's lungs without warning.

"Hold it for a few seconds! Don't cough!" Dib held his hand over the alien's mouth to stop any reaction that could turn into a painful coughing fit. "Okay, now exhale."
Zim finally let go of his breath, and saw a stream of heavy smoke come right put of his mouth. He'd never felt so cool in his life. Then he started coughing.
"ACK!! FUCK! I KNEW IT WAS POISON!!!!!" Zim shouted.

"No dude its not, coughing is normal." Dib was about to hand him some water, but then remembered that this is an alien. He can't have water. Dib looked around the room, concerned. He suddenly had an idea, a really dumb idea.

Dib grabbed a bottle of caramel ice cream sauce out of his desk drawer. He kept it there for whenever he was feeling sad and needed a sweet little pick-me-up. "Here, I know you like sweet stuff and this is the closest thing to liquid that won't kill you."
Zim took a swig of the bottle and hummed with delight. Dib watched him, intrigued but also horrified. 

—
"You okay dude?" Dib asked with a smirk on his face. Zim was totally blazed. Still verbal, but not quite moving. Zim laid at the edge of Dib's bed, just staring at the glow in the dark stars that he had stuck to the ceiling.

"Yeah. I like those." He pointed to the sticky stars. "They're pretty."

"Come on, you've been to like, actual space. Isn't that way prettier?"

"I guess. I don't know, i'm just so used to it, everything just looks like specks." Zim took a deep breath and looked at Dib. "I like it here though. Earth is just so wonderfully weird."

"Okay, you're definitely fried." Dib laughed. Then he paused for a second. "I have a question, but you don't, like, have to answer it if you don't want to."

"Shoot." Zim confirmed in a sing song voice. He's having a good time.

"Do irkens have like, genitals?"

Zim snorted. "No, dib-smelly. We develop in tubes."

"So is everything like completely smooth down there?"

"Yeah. We don't have any reason to have those weird things you have. They still creep me out." He sighed. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, i just kinda always wondered. I can't really imagine anything else." He thought for a second. "What about Tak? She's a girl right? Whats the point of having a gendered species if you cant reproduce?"

"Genetics. Irken 'females' just have different physical traits."

"That makes no sense."

"You make no sense." 

—-
A/N: thank you to the two people who have read this. I put in minimal effort. More to come if requested. Don't expect much.