everything was gold

hope

everything was hazy. my vision blurred and focused to see a worried Phil not so far away. once I had a grip on myself, I sat up. I was in a nice room filled with expensive decor and furniture. i reached down to touch the floor, but flinched away, catching myself.

Phil reached for my arm to steady me. i scrambled to my feet. he asked, "Are you okay? I don't know what happened but I took you to my house. We weren't far, so it was the best option-"

"Why the hell am I here? Why do you care?"

he appeared taken aback. "I just wanted to help. Hold on, be careful."

he went to tough my shoulder, and I backed away. "Don't touch me. Just don't, okay?"

Phil was hurt. he clearly had no idea what had come over me. and he never would. the look on his face sent pangs or guilt over me. i didn't deserve his presence, his helping manner, or his kind smile.

i wish I could've explained. but it wasn't the time or place.

"Look, thank you so much for taking care of me. I have to go," I excused myself and began heading out.

i paused at the doorknob. i was frozen in place and didn't want to risk touching anyone or anything.

you're such a monster. you can't even open a door like a normal human being. pathetic.

i shuddered at the voice in my head. it grew colder the more it took over me. Phil was concerned. "Just stay here. Please. You're hurt, and I can help."

there was no choice. i gave in. "Fine. Okay."

————————————-
propped up against his couch, Phil held an ice pack to my head. he bandaged my knee, which had been scraped roughly. i had zero idea as to what motivated him to care for me.

"Why are you doing this?"

he was staring at me. full curiosity mode was switched on. "What do you mean?"

i gestured up and down, responding, "helping me as if I matter to you."

Phil laughed. "Of course you matter. And helping? I'm not that much of a help, but I'd say I'm assisting you." he paused for a long moment, glancing back and forth between my eyes. "Because you could use a friend."

my body was an empty, non-emotional item that I carried around everyday. i'd grown to dislike myself quite a bit. somehow, someway, Phil Lester made me feel something. hope. he made me feel hope.

"Yea, I really could."