Liquid Courage

Night 009

Physical activities aren’t really my thing. Sometimes I don’t get why players tire themselves in court just to shoot or pass some freaking ball. But maybe it’s because they love what they are doing that self-fulfillment outweighs physical exhaustion. 

I wish I could say the same for me. My P.E. class is just two units but I feel like it’s heavier than my 6-unit accounting subject.

And P.E. class makes me do embarrassing things. I purposefully didn’t go to the rooftop yesterday because I don’t have the courage to show my face to Alfonso. I missed my daily beer because of that fucking PE!

Even now that I’m on the elevator on my way to the 38th floor, I’m still having second thoughts! I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, I know it’s kind of embarrassing but why am I really afraid of facing him? He’s just Alfonso! I’m Margaret and I don’t get intimidated by anyone.

You can do it, Margaret. You can’t just give up your favorite rooftop just because you’re shy! Just act like nothing happened yesterday and you’ll be fine.

The elevator door opened and I stepped outside. While walking, I keep on reminding myself to act like nothing happened. I know Alfonso and he’s gonna tease me to death but I can beat him by pretending. I got this.

When I reached the door, I took a deep breath.

“You got this, Marg. You got this.” I whispered to myself. Ugh! I hate that I’m feeling this way.

I held the knob and slowly twisted it. With a plastic bag in my hand, I walked inside. My eyes scanned the place and saw no familiar figure. He’s not here?

I sat on my favorite spot and placed the bag beside me. I brought two beers only because I just wanted something to drink. We were given 30 problems and I answered them all the moment I reached my unit by 6pm. Good thing I got no schedule for work today.

For the second time, I looked around the rooftop. I’m kind of feeling relieved that Alfonso isn’t here but there’s this thought at the back of my mind that I kept pushing back. It makes no sense that I’m feeling sad because he’s not here, right?

My wristwatch says it’s just 11 P.M. Did he just left early or he really didn’t stop by tonight?

Is it because I ditched him last night? I know we don’t have an agreement about going here on the rooftop but what if he got upset? I mean, we’re okay yesterday so he wouldn’t feel like I didn’t go here last night on purpose right?

Fuck. Why am I even thinking about it? Again, it’s just Alfonso!

I shook my head and just focused my attention on the beer. I shouldn’t think about him, he’s free to go here whenever he wants and it’s also his choice if he doesn’t want to.

I drank from my can and sighed. I kinda felt a little better after one sip. A good beer really calms me down. I’ve been drinking here alone for months, I don’t really remember when exactly I started. But I do know that it’s when my life fucked up.

I had no one, then. My parents were also grieving. I don’t want to add to their long list of problems. Alcohol isn’t really my thing before. I just drink a few shots whenever my former friends and I go to bars, or when there’s a business party.

Maybe I was really out of my mind back then. There were a lot of thoughts running on my head, I was so close to doing something I know I’ll regret. Good thing I was able to stop myself. That’s when the idea of drinking hit me.

People say it can help you forget for a while. So I gave it a shot, maybe it’s what I need. I first tried it on a bar and it didn’t end well. The next morning, I was crying not because of the freaking headache I got, but because I spent almost half of my allowance for the month. We are no longer rich, I can’t afford to lose all my savings just because I need to forget.