Fibromyalgia: My journey

Intro

     Today is Sunday 3rd March 2019; it's been a bit of a miserable day weather wise as well as in regards to my mood. But it's also been a bit of a light bulb moment for me. You see, I'm the unfortunate sufferer of a chronic illness know as Fibromyalgia. On top of this I have developed severe depression and severe anxiety because of it.

     I'm 24 years of age and a single mother to the most gorgeous little girl, and being a mother is a struggle in itself, let alone being a single one with mental health and chronic pain illnesses. Today I am a shadow of my former self. I have gone from being an adventurous, always at the gym in my child-free spare time, mum and daughter days out, no time to sit down (if I even knew how to) busy kind of girl, to a girl who most days physically can't get up and move, has severe fatigue and no motivation, with few and far between, what I these days call "good days". I have gone from being very strong willed with an inner voice of "get knocked down? Get back up and try again!" to feeling weak and with an inner voice of "never try, never fail".

     For many people, Fibromyalgia is a mystery. As yet, it's not a commonly recognised condition; to the point most doctors haven't got a clue about it. And unless you're experiencing it yourself; you won't understand the struggles it causes. It's complex. Every single day for me is different, and every single night I go to sleep wondering what the next day is going to be like. If I was to sit here and list every single one of my symptoms I'd be here for a long time and you'd all be asleep before I got half way through. And as a sufferer myself I still don't know much about it. Honestly? Probably because I'm too scared to actually do any research into it, scared of what I might discover. But this isn't a helpful mindset.

     My task for the week? I will, after a year of this condition, actually do some research into Fibromyalgia. I've accepted it's finally time I done it.

***

     Back to the point of this book. I have a volunteer from an organisation called Home start, and the lady, Zoe, who appointed me a volunteer, came round for a review and catch up. One of the things she said to me was that I should start a blog and use my experiences to help people who are going through the same things. I thought about it for a split second then brushed the idea away. What of any importance did I have to say, and if I couldn't even help myself how could I help others. Just because she said she could see a difference in me from her last visit and said I sounded more positive when talking to her. Probably because I just happened to be having a good day. But fast forward 5 days and that brings us to the here and now.

     I was at a friend's earlier today. Having a rubbish day and had a cry with her. While we were talking, Zoe's previous comment about starting a blog came into my mind. And something was screaming out to me. I just knew I had to start. So I did; as soon as I got home and put Lexi to bed.

     I will start my story from the beginning and share my experience with you, I will also include quotes I have seen and read that really speak to me that I think you should read too; including all my entries written in the diary I keep. You'll notice most of my diary entries before now are very negative and full of anger, but that slowly changes over time while writing this and gains a more positive outlook.

     I don't always write in my diary, especially not in the beginning. Most of the time I forget about it; unfortunately I'm experiencing some bad memory loss with my conditions. However, at the beginning it was because I couldn't express myself or didn't have a clue what to write. Sometimes it was because I thought it was silly and I didn't see the point in doing it; which is really contradicting of me to think due to my thoughts the very first time I wrote in it.

     Starting a diary was suggested to me by someone I knew, that I reached out to in May last year. I needed someone to talk to about circumstances, but didn't what to talk with someone too close. Someone I would find it easy to talk to; which is extremely difficult for someone who has spent their entire life bottling everything up and taking on others' problems and focusing on helping them through theirs than acknowledging her own. But I knew straight away who to turn to.