Friday 25th May 2018
9:40am
Not feeling motivated today. I'm tired. I didn't get to bed till late, and that, with the guilt has made me exhausted. I need to learn to calm down, I know I need to open up and learn to talk to Aaron. Talk about my feelings rather than bottle them up and then let them explode into an argument later down the line. I could have lost Aaron, and if I carry on then I will. I'll push him away. I know that's my defence mechanism – pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length so I don't get too close, making it easier when they do finally walk away; everyone does. But I need to stop! I need to admit to myself that I do do that. Realise it and stop!
But I feel like I need security. Something stable. Him. I need to stop trying to push him away. I don't mean to but one day I'll push him too far. I don't want to lose him; he's basically the only thing keeping me sane. I need to learn to breath and think things over first. I need to learn how to deal with things better, and talk more. I only really tell Aaron facts; I need to tell him feelings too. Be honest with how I feel inside and stop hiding it and pretending I'm ok when I'm not.
I also need to stop telling myself stupid things that I end up believing, that aren't always true. That's my downfall, one of my worst habits. Aaron is always telling me to think positive. I need to be more like him. The way he sees things is brilliant. He doesn't see everything for face value either. He thinks differently. I need to be like that. It will help.
But I need to learn to talk!
Not shout!
I'm feeling so guilty and I only have myself to blame.
***
Friday 25th May
10:22am
The mind is a powerful thing!
Beat it!
***
Friday 25th May
12:03pm
I need to turn my life around. I need to think more positive and be more proactive. Nothing's going to change if I sit and wait for it to. I'm not going to get better and my back won't heal unless I have the right attitude and mind set. It's up to me. If I believe I won't get better and can't see past that hurdle then I never will; I'm the only one who can change that. I need to get who I am back. I've lost who I am along the way and now I'm not really sure who I am. All I know is I used to be a fighter, I believed in myself when no one else did, I made my dreams happen, or at least tried to. I hardly ever got knocked down and if I did I'd get straight back up again! THAT'S WHO I NEED TO BE! If I know nothing else of whom I am; I need to be that part. I am strong; I've proved that to myself the last few years. However, now I've let myself down.
Believe in myself! I can get through anything life throws at me. It's who I am! Be that person again! I've proved to myself that I can!
Day 1 of being a more positive person starts right now! The day may be half way through but why start tomorrow what you can start today?
Chin up! Smile! (A real one - -no more fake ones!) Push forward and believe! You got this girl!!
Be Strong
and
Believe!!
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