Death is My BFF Rewritten (Book 1 of the Rewritten Death Chronicles)

Chapter 29: Mother Mary on Steroids

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            An enormous explosion of shards of glass interrupted a soft hum of classical music, as the Grim Reaper plummeted through Lucifer’s office door.

            “This girl is going to make me go all Britney Spears and shave my head entirely,” Death panted, half-bent over from breathing so hard. “You were right, she’s Mother Mary on steroids!”

            “It’s three o’clock in the morning, Death. A knock, or even a phone call would have been more than sufficient.” If Lucifer was startled, as usual, he didn’t show a flinch of a human reaction, closed his laptop, and slowly rose up from his desk chair, stuffing his hands into his suit.

            Death stared down at his shaking hands.

            “That door was just cleaned, too,” he added rather frostily.

            “Light. It shot out of her hands and it was blinding. I felt it inside of me. I felt her inside of me.”

            “Shouldn’t it be the other way around, son?” Lucifer quipped.

             Death did not find that amusing. “Leo wasn’t exaggerating. She’s got power and whatever it is, it’s strong enough to knock me out cold. It’s strong enough to overcome me. I saw it with my own eyes. I felt it. It was bright and warm… Comforting. I blacked out for a few seconds from whatever she did to me, and when I woke up, I bolted. Now I feel like I have the worst hangover of my life.” Death staggered a little bit on his feet, knocking down a bookshelf in the room. He clutched his head. “Do you hear that ringing?” He spun around, eyes wide and paranoid. “I don’t feel right. I feel…like donating money to charity?”

            “What?”

            “I don’t know! I’m going to throw up!”

            “You need to relax.”

            “But I—hell’s horns!” Like a demolition knocking down a building, Death collapsed to the ground on all fours, pinned down by Lucifer’s control. The position had Death gagging on an empty stomach. He had already thrown up in the elevator up, as well as in three fake potted plants. “Seriously, dude? Not cool. Free me!”

            “Alright, what are you on?” Lucifer demanded, now that Death was stuck in one spot. Faster than a single flap of humming bird’s wings, he moved across the room so that he was standing right next to Death’s crumbled body on the floor. “Have you been testing out some sort of new drug on the demon market?”

            “No,” Death snarled, annoyed. “Let. Me. Go.”

            “Have you been starving yourself again?”

            “No,” he replied softer, uncomfortably shifting his eyes to the floor. “I’m not starving myself. I’m sober, too. Now…let me go.”

            Lucifer leaned down to Death’s ear. “So if you aren’t high, drunk, or starving yourself to the point of irrationality, then why the hell wouldn’t you use the god damn door handle?” he yelled.

            “Did you even hear what I said?” Death’s claws threatened to unleash through his gloves and into the plush carpet beneath him. “Faith affected me! Knocked me out cold! And you’re still on that damn door?”

            Lucifer crossed his arms over his chest. “What exactly were you doing to her prior to this “light”?”

             “I was doing me.” He managed a shrug, even in his locked position on the ground. “You know, being unpleasant as fuck, yet sexy. I thought, maybe if I just give it one more try, flirt a little, stick my amazing body right in her face, Virgin Girl will sign this damn piece of printer paper already…”

            “Your obnoxiousness, immaturity, and knack for threatening everything with and without a pulse still haven’t made her sign the contract yet?”

            Death flashed a mouthful of fangs. “I am not obnoxious.”

            “Right…” Lucifer’s sapphire gaze slid to the shards of glass on the floor, then the area where a door once was in his office. “So what exactly do you want me to do about this ‘light’?”

            Death frowned. “Well, I was hoping you would know what to do. You’re the one who walked the earth when dinosaurs were around.”

            Lucifer frowned. “I’m not that old.”

             “I came to you because I need help. I need you to help me get her to sign this contract. Whatever she is…I have a feeling in my gut that she’s… meant for me.”

            Lucifer crossed his arms over his chest, smirking. “Well, well, well I never thought I’d see the day—“

             “That’s not what I---argh!” Death ran a hand down his face, not saying anything for a while. “I’ve had this gut feeling…” He shook his head. “Never mind.”

            “You’ve got to tell me now,” Lucifer insisted.

            “I think I was supposed to save Faith twelve years ago. It wasn’t just one of those days and it wasn’t just that she was kind of cute and I have a soft spot for little twerps.” He ran a hand furiously through his Mohawk. “God damn it, would you stop looking at me like that? Obviously you don’t understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not like I’m confessing my—“ he cleared his throat—“that L word to her. I’m just saying that there’s something going on here. I don’t like it, too.”

            “What kind of ‘something’, are you referring to?” Lucifer’s smile dipped down slightly as he came to the same conclusion as Death. “We both came to the deduction that your father is the reason the Guardians were getting attacked. He was making a statement.”

            “Yes, but we don’t exactly know what that statement is. It could have been towards me, or he could have been trying to reach a much… larger audience. I want her under contract, before anyone else gets to her. I want to know what the hell she is—“

            “Before Malphas gets to her,” Lucifer guessed. “You must really believe that there’s more to this girl than meets the eye. Fine, I’ll take your word for it this time that this is a clear-headed conclusion from you, and not drugs or alcohol talking. Besides, I assumed there was something different about her a while ago.” Lucifer raised a single eyebrow, loosened his tie, moved around his desk, and lounged back into his seat, dismissing Death with the small jerk of his head towards the ‘door’.

            “What about tonight?” Death grumbled. “The event?”

            “Eat. Shower. Get some sleep. You’re still attending.” Lucifer unclicked a pen, twirling it around his fingers, a small flash of a flame dancing in the pupil of his eye. “I’ll handle the girl.”

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