The fight to get back to you. (Book 3)

Chapter 6

Elliot and I wasted no time in telling our parents and families, it was also no surprise that they all knew and were happy for us. The next week or so I spent every minute with him as we searched for an apartment close by and eventually we struck lucky with a huge loft. It was being sold way under what it was worth because the owner was moving back to France and just wanted rid so we snapped it up.

I loved it straight away and I could tell Elliot did too, it was all exposed brick walls and neutral colours. It was quite masculine and I loved that about it, away from my mother’s trinkets and doilies. We kitted it out with a huge bed, a black leather sofa, TV and a few kitchen utensils and other than that we kept it clutter free.

It would take some work to make it feel like it was ours but even without everything a normal flat would have it still felt like home to us and we loved it. On our first night together we must have christened our new bed about five times and I couldn’t get enough of him.

After four long, hard years at war with him, being so far from everything you love and hold dear you start to appreciate the smaller things. I now know every little inch of his body, every little quip that he has and the way his blue eyes manage to capture the light and shine every time he laughs.

The laughing I have to admit is not as often as I would like, I can see that he needs me and loves me but he just doesn’t seem as happy as I had hoped. He clings to me when we lie on the couch together and he seems to drift off into another world when he thinks I am not looking.

I knew our life together would take some getting used to after being apart for so long but I didn’t realise I would be disappointing him so much. I can tell he loves me but maybe this loft and living with me wasn’t all he had expected, because he wasn’t sleeping and his mood swings were becoming more frequent.

I am planning a little vacation to see if I can get him to relax a bit and I would like to find out why he isn’t sleeping and make sure he is certain that he really wants this. I love him and although the last few years have been torture, I really don’t want to keep him against his will just because he feels guilty.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking all of these bad thoughts but there has to be a reason for his behaviour. His mum said he was a little off when he lived at home with her too so maybe he is just feeling restless, a vacation should sort that right out.

I had quite a bit of money put away because after college I just threw myself into my teaching, not doing anything socially and because I lived with my mom rent was cheap. I really wanted this break to be special, I wanted to remind him why he chose me and make him happy.

I was planning on taking him to Manuel Antonio in Costa Rica, I had heard from a few friends that it was a new, up and coming gay resort where Elliot and I could just be ourselves. I didn’t want to take him away and have to hide who we are, I wanted it to be a little romantic and lots of fun.

It was a little pricey but I knew it would be worth it and the hotel was also run by a gay couple, so I knew we would be made to feel comfortable, instead of being asked if we would like twin beds. I wasn’t one for usually travelling to gay resorts, I found them tacky to say the least but on this occasion I thought it would be best.

Excluding our families, the outside world got to see us different than how we really are and I wanted to break free from that- literally, be able to show him I am worth it. Working out the details and booking it straight away, I threw myself into the plans.

Elliot had been working a desk job for the military for the last few weeks, they had agreed to give him part time work and he was thankful it didn’t require him to do another tour. I rang the office and requested that they book him a week off in two week’s time but asked them to keep it a secret.

That night in bed Elliot had his worst night since we moved in, he was tossing and turning all night and at one point threw his fists out and hit me across the chest. I knew that he had done it in his sleep but boy did it hurt, I cursed and climbed out of bed as his thrashing worsened.

I walked around his side and woke him up gently, he was having a bad dream and I didn’t want him to keep suffering through it. However when I woke him up he jumped up and grabbed me, tightly pulling my arm around my back. He made me yelp out in shock and to be honest a little pain, I hadn’t realised he was so strong.

He seemed to come to then and released me quickly, apologising over and over again. I turned in his arms and kissed him telling him it was ok, he had been having a bad dream and that I got in the way trying to wake him up.

It didn’t seem like Elliot had taken this as an excuse and by the look on his face he was going to torture himself because of it. I once again reassured him it was my fault and he gave me a small smile and climbed back into bed pulling me with him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and cuddled me from behind, I leant back into in and thought to myself that the holiday would definitely come at the right time.

The next day as I predicted, Elliot went to work in a sulk. He never seemed to take anything out on me and still kissed me goodbye as always. I could tell that he was feeling bad for his lashing out at me during the night, but I couldn’t tell him enough it that it was ok.

Elliot was stubborn and left for work just as miserable. It made me think that maybe there was a lot more to this than he was letting on or was even aware of. As soon as I got to work I loaded up my laptop, set the kids to work on some inane task and logged into google.

Typing in post war depression, several websites came up stating that soldiers can suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and surprisingly it gets worse as time goes on not better. The further I read on the more it sounded like they were describing Elliot and I will admit it worried me a lot.

I decided instead of stressing him further, I was just going to tell him about the holiday and hope that he would be up for it. Then when he was relaxed and having a good time I would approach the subject carefully. Like I said Elliot is stubborn and a little proud, I wasn’t sure if it would be easy getting him to admit that he needs help. Help that I can’t give him.

Hopefully I was just wrong and a little talk with him would make him see how sad he has been lately and help him to cheer up. I couldn’t wait for our break and I couldn’t wait to spend an uninterrupted week with him, something we have been unable to do since we got together.