Who Loves You, Pretty Baby

Breaking All The Rules

At 9:30 in the evening the day prior, Veronica still hadn’t had the baby. John took a moment to check in  and inform us that she had been six centimeters dilated. We all slept like rocks that night and we didn’t hear a peep from Robert. Considering that we had missed his nap time the day prior, Roger and I were delighted in the way he slept through the night. It was mid-afternoon and I had Robbie in the floor with his cartoons and his toys while Roger was outside smoking. It was only today that I had noticed the champagne in the refrigerator. It looked so very lonely in there and so an idea hit me. It was early and I still needed to call Mary to check in on the dinner party. One mimosa wouldn’t be so bad. I popped the champagne and took the orange juice from the fridge.

 “Lee Lee! Want cha cha milk!” Robbie cooed at me from the room before he stood up and came running into the kitchen, gripping my leg affectionately. Well, I couldn’t argue with him. Roger had already spoiled him with it and I was making a mimosa at nearly 1:00 in the afternoon.

 “How do you ask?” I put my hand on his head.

 “Want cha cha milk, please.” He said, jumping in his place and smiling up at me. Shit, Roger and I were going ruin Robert and then we’d pretty much have to take his sweet little self home with us. I laughed at him.

 “Okay, let me get your sippy.” I promised him as I glugged little splashes of champagne into a martini glass. I poured the orange juice on top and mixed it with Robert’s spoon. Roger and I desperately needed to determine when we were going to clean up all the plates and cups and lids and…everything else strewn about the kitchen.

 “My cha cha milk!” Robert exclaimed as he still clung to my leg. I hadn’t even changed out of the shirt in which I slept. This was a taste of parenthood indeed. No time to get appropriately dressed in the morning, your house being a bit piled up, needing a cocktail before noon…yes, yes this was a mere sampling of what John and Veronica dealt with daily. How the hell they kept up with it was beyond me. Roger and I couldn’t take our eyes off Robert for thirty seconds to clean up all his dishes for fear he would develop a smoking habit or try to jump off the couch or something.  “Okay, Robbie! Look what Lee Lee has for you! Chocolate milk! And a little something for me.” I said pouring chocolate milk into his bright green sippy. It made me nervous that his fingers kept creepy further and further up my bare legs. I could feel him pulling at the edge of my t-shirt as he stood on tip-toes. “Here you go sweetheart.” I said, holding my drink in one hand and leaning over to him with his sippy in the other. “What do you say?” I asked him, trying to instill manners in him rather than complete debauchery.

 “Thank you, Lee Lee.” He chimed at me as if I had just handed him the keys to a new Aston Martin.

 “You’re welcome, baby.  Let’s go watch your program.” I encouraged him as we returned to the living room. I sat on the couch and Robert was more than content with his sippy cup in the floor. I reached for the phone ad immediately rang Mary, hoping to hear about the dinner party in complete detail. I didn’t have to wait long as she picked up quickly.  “Hey, party animal! Yes! Yes, Roger and I have been here since yesterday. No, we are doing a most fabulous job!” I began, taking a sip of my mimosa. “I know. Tha…that…no! No! That is no true! Because, we promised to take care of Robert, you dumbarse! No, I’m done with you. Put Mary on.” I said, taking another sip of my mimosa. “Hey! So, hearing Mister Glitter it sounds like the party went well?” I asked of Mary as I took another drink and eyed Robert working just as hard on his chocolate milk. I could hear the front door open. “Yeah? Yeah!? Noooo! Oh Mary you did not!” I laughed and slapped my bare leg. “You fucked Freddie in the pantry with a houseful of twenty guests and….” I looked up only to see Roger standing there, his arms folded and shaking his head at me. Mary was still talking as I looked back to Roger, cocktail in one hand, telephone receiver in the other and him just staring at me with that ‘caught ya' look in his eye. “Mmm…Mar…Mary? I’m…gonna’ need to call you back. Oh…okay! Okay, bye!” I hung up the receiver and cleared my throat. “Um…this is not what it looks like.” I said, taking another sip from the martini glass.