SomeWhere On... (BXB)

CHAPTER 7: Day 1

"Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now."
~ Alan Lakein

...Monroe Avenue, USA - December

"Have you slept at all tonight?" I ask.

Murph's at the kitchen sink washing the remains of our hot chocolate down the drain. His eyes drop for a moment before he whispers, "I had a...a couple hours."

I stand and walk around the counter towards him. "Pup, that isn't okay."

He looks away.

"What kept you up?" When he doesn't answer, I add, "Murph, you have work today."

"I...quit the theater after my shift on Wednesday." He looks at me with wide eyes. "I was...going to surprise you." Murph holds out his open hands and shakes them. "Surprise." It's halfhearted and his eyelids begin to flutter closed.

I sigh and turn off the running water. "You're going back to bed."

"No. I'm awake now." He turns it back on.

I turn it off again. "No. Leave the cups. I'll finish them. Go to bed."

He lets out this breathless chuckle. "Tommy – "

"I will swear." I'm glaring with wide eyes so he knows I mean business. "Try me. Go to bed."

Murph closes his eyes and stares hard down at the floor, like I've just scolded him. And just that makes me wanna scold myself. Because he looks like a kicked puppy. But then he steps closer to me and grabs the hem of my shirt. "Can you..." He swallows. "Can you...come cuddle me for a little?"

I nod, and take his hand. I lead him up the stairs back to his room. The sun's begun to rise already, but I draw the blinds because they weren't drawn to start with. The room's black and dark and cold, and I crawl into bed with Murph.

"I'm sorry," he whimpers, pressing his nose into my shoulder. He doesn't wanna look at me.

I squeeze him. "It's okay." I nuzzle Murph's head until he's looking at me again. "You fucked up. Did you apologise for it?"

He nods. And still with that "kicked puppy" look.

"Am I angry?"

"...a little."

I mean, yeah. "Just go to sleep, luv."

He yawns and mumbles, "I love you, Tommy."

"I love you, too. Go to sleep."

"N-no." Murph pushes back and holds himself up on his elbows. "I love you. Like...like you make me feel so special." He smiles, and his eyes're sparkling. Yet at the same time, he's clearly ready to begin crying. "You make me really happy. You don't bother bullshitting with me. And, and you don't care that I'm...me." His arms slide under his pillow and Murph ends up back fully on the bed. He exhales and rolls back into me. "You flew all the way here because you wanted to make sure I was okay." He closes his eyes and exhales. "And it's just...you being you."

I'm really glad Murph's so sleep deprived because I'm red. I hate it when this boy gets mushy.

"Mmmmmleh," is all I say.

"It's true," he mumbles, eyes closing. "From your mushy – " He yawns and snakes his arms around my torso. " – mushy American boyfriend's heart."

I sigh and lean in to kiss him on the forehead. "Go to sleep."

"You're no fun," he whispers, words garbled. "Buuuuuut I like you."

I snort and pull him closer. "I'll see you when you wake up, yeah?"

Murph squeezes me. And, even though his face is flat against my chest, I can tell he's smiling.

He's asleep an hour later, droll, snoring, and all.

I pull myself away and bundle him up. I'm too awake to sleep. So I go down to get my stuff and wash the cups.

His aunt's downstairs in the kitchen at the breakfast table. "How is he?" she asks. She's playing with her fingers.

"He's a'right," I mumble. My fingers're shaking as I clean out the cocoa rings left in the mugs. "Asleep."

She looks at me. "Whaddya plan to do, Toumas?"

I swallow in the hopes that my stomach can untwist itself. But it doesn't happen. Because there's nothing for us to do that seems like the right answer. I won't let him move and he won't let me move.

I keep the water running over my hands. They splash into the mugs and slowly begin to overflow. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough tu know yu're in a predicamen'," she whispers.

My eyes don't move to her. They stay on the mugs. The water's ice cold and I'd rather freeze my hands off then look at her.

But I sigh. "I don't know."

She shifts in her chair. I hear that, at least.

I said I'd put the mugs away. I hold them up and ask, "Where do these go?"

His aunt points to a corner cabinet above the coffee maker. I put away the cups when she says, "Toumas, I'm not gonna lie and say...I wanna say that – " She huffs. "When Murph told me you two were gettin' together, I..." She doesn't finish the sentence.

I know what she's gonna say, though. I'm nodding, close the cabinet door, and whisper back, "Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it, too."

She shakes her head, this sad expression on her face. "I...didn't mean it like that," she insists. "I was just making sure my nephew – "

"I know," I say. I didn't, but I know she means well.

His aunt sinks into her chair and inhales. "You wanna move here?"

I sniff, and realise I'm ready to cry. I wipe my eyes and nod. "Yeah." What am I even doing anymore?

"You'd really come here for him?" She asks it as a genuine question, but the way she says it just irks me.

I say, definitively, "Yes." When I actually turn to look at her, she seems touched. Surprised, even. I open my mouth to say more, but all that comes out is this gasped sound along with, "I should've been here." I shake my head and look away. Even when I inhale, my breath is shaking. I can feel it coming. "We've been together for...an eternity. At least it feels that way." I frown and turn away. "But I can't stand not being with him. It's like we haveta put half our lives on hold when we visit each other. And, and that's not okay to me."

"Toumas." His aunt touches my shoulder, and I back away. She sadly scowls. "Hunny, yu're in America. Don't be so British and cry. Yu have good reason to." She leans forward. "I won't tell if you won't."

I sniff again and look away. "I – I'm fine, I promise." I'm not. I just don't wanna cry in front of her.

She pats my shoulders. "If you need me, ah'll be here." And she goes back to the table to look out the windows towards the gardens, drinking her now-probably-cold coffee.

I nod my thanks, and go get my things by the front door.

By the time I'm at the landing, I'm sobbing with this awful pain in my stomach.

And in the back of my head, I tell myself, "It's all over."