Poem Book

13

A conservation between me and my anxiety

I’m scared I won’t be enough. I’m not experienced, or very affectionate. I’m confused by a lot of things, my anxiety tells me everything will crash, that you’ll get bored of me, that I won’t be enough to keep you happy. I tell myself, that won’t happen; he says he’ll never leave but it echoes “That’ll change. Look what happened last time you were happy.” I tell myself that won’t happen.. It can’t happen. My happiness won’t collapse this time, he’ll stay this time. “LIAR. LIAR. LIAR. PATHETIC LIAR.” No. Not again. He won’t let that happen... Right? “He will not stay. You are not worth it.” No, I make him happy. “For now.” I will for a while. If he moves on, I’ll support him. Even if it kills me. I’ll be there for him. “He’ll forget you, like she did.” That won’t stop me from supporting him. “You are pathetic. Pitiful.” Maybe so. “Certainly so.” I get it, you don’t trust me. “I am you. You do not trust yourself.” I.. Yeah, I have my doubts. That’s true. I bury myself in writing because I don’t want anyone but him to know my doubts. I used to tell her everything. I knew she would never tell anyone else. I used to think she missed me, that it was real for a while. She told me it was. She still lied though. But that’s okay. I’m okay. I supported her, I still do. “That is sad.” I know, but that won’t stop me. “You have him now.” I do. You’re right. “I’m always right.” Shut up, we both know you’re not. You’re just an ass. “I am you.” I know. I’m a lot of things. “Jealous. Pitiful. Desperate. Needy. Pathetic. Weak.” I know. I know. “But he still loves you.” I know. I just hope it lasts. I hope he doesn’t lie too. It broke me last time. I shut down. I can’t handle that again. I can’t give my all, I can’t tear my walls down again, only for the dust to be kicked in my face. I can’t stand up on weak legs, only to shoved down again. “If he breaks you, you will do terrible things.” I know. I know. “You will grovel and beg him to stay. Because you are pathetic.” I will not beg. I will not ask him to rethink. I will let him be happy. With or without me. “Do you truly believe that?” Yes. I did not beg her to stay. I accepted her choice. “You are a strange being.” I know. “A sad being.” I know. “A frightening being.” Am I? “Yes. You are willing to give yourself up for another’s happiness. That is strange.” I guess I am strange. I’m sorry. “Why?” I’ve wasted your time. “My time is your time.” I’ve wasted our time. “Strange girl. Rest your mind. Ease your heart. Stop fretting. He would be sad.” You’re right. I’ll stop, for now at least. Thank you. “Rest now, little fawn.” Thank you Wisp