As Long As I Live

The Past

25th August, 2012.

Dear Diary,

Today is my last day as a free girl. Tomorrow, at this time, I shall be married. It's only now that I remembered that I had a diary stuffed in my closet somewhere, and as I was packing the things I would take with me to my new home, I decided to take you along.

Every girl tries to imagine what it feels like. To be married. To have the pre-wedding jitters, the nervousness, the excitement. The 'Oh-my-God!' moments when you want to call it off, and then having a heart-to-heart with yourself in the bathroom mirror to calm your nerves. I wanted that too, but in the light of recent events it seems so stupid to be thinking of the things that happen at a normal wedding. This is not a normal wedding, anything but.

Lets start at the beginning.

I've never been one to talk a lot. My friends have called me shy. My parents have had to urge me to talk to strangers. Communication was never my forte. But I made up in writing that which I could not voice. I wish I could speak up. Then perhaps I could have avoided the disastrous turn of events in my life.

I know what has happened has got something to do with Jaffar. That lying, deceitful, worthless piece of vermin. How I hate him! I do not know the extent of his lies to my parents, but from my 'friends' I've heard that he had claimed to be in a relationship with me. I've never spoken a word to him! I have no idea why he chose me as a victim of his venomous planning.

When I tried to speak to Abbu about it, he was so angry and agitated that he nearly had a heart attack. He was rubbing his chest furiously. Ammi slapped me hard and threw me out of the room, screaming at me for being the "biggest mistake of her life" and "source of all misery to her". That's the first time my parents hurt me physically. The emotional impact of it was heartbreaking. It still hurts to think about it.