The Thoughts in My Head

Part 9

We've been together for a while now and he says he loves me, but sometimes I wonder... does he actually feel that way?? I mean, he tells me he loves me, he shows me he loves me and he acts like he loves me. But for some reason, I just don't feel like it's true. I've been lied to once, so I am afraid to fall again. I don't know if I'm just crazy and I'm just overthinking things more than I should.

Things weren't always like this between us. Here's the thing, he used "hate" me. Well, it wasn't exactly hate, it was more like he did not like the idea of me liking him. He thought I was crazy (and don't blame him) but there was more to that. He would ignore me at times and insult me. He was friendly to me when I first arrived, but once he found out, he started acting like this. I would get mad, but I never said or did anything. I would just be mad at him without him knowing. I know it was dumb and I should have probably said something, but I thought he didn't know, until I was told that he did.

He would always notice that there was something wrong with me right after I got mad. He would ask what was wrong and I would just ignore him. He would stay with me until I was finally okay. I never told him what was wrong, but he constantly would ask, "Why are you upset?" I would just stare at him. "YOU are the reason I'm upset. YOU are the reason I'm like this." is all I would think, but i was always too scared to admit it.

Time passed and he stopped being that way. He started to be friendly to me, but not in a way that started to mean he was developing feelings. He just thought of me as a friend. He basically friend zoned me.

December came and so did all the christmas events at school. I'm a music kiddo so I had to sing and play guitar. That day, I got ready and headed to the school, I was feeling a little weird and nervous. I got to the school and waited until it was time. Then, he arrived. He was all dressed up and looked really nice. I was gonna say hi, but when I did, I just didn't have the guts to go up to him. He looked at me kinda confused. In my head I was just like, "What the f**k are you doing to yourself? How hard is it to say hi??" Clearly it was too hard. So I walked away. He  just stared and kept on doing his own thing. Then it was time to preform. I got on stage with my music group and we stared preforming. As I saw everyone from the stage, I started to freak out. I was so high up and I could see everyone. I suddenly forgot what I was doing. I could feel myself panicking. I wanted to get off the stage but I couldn't. So I pretended I was okay when I actually wasn't. I messed up several times and it was horrible. Then, my eyes laid on him and I suddenly started remembering all the bad stuff he had said to me. I suddenly felt like crying, but I didn't. As soon as I got off stage, I called my mom. I didn't want to be a single minute in the same place he was. I just wanted to leave.

That night, I felt horrible. I realized he didn't care. That I was crazy for liking him.  I realized that I should give up. So I did. Then February came and my closest friend asked me if I was going to tell him. I didn't think it was a good idea, so I told her that I had given up. She acted strange after that. "But you shouldn't, give him a chance." She said. It seemed so strange because all the time she told me to give up and when I finally did she just tells me not to?? It was really strange.

I decided to tell him. And then in turns out he liked me back and it was all part of my friend's plan. But what I never understood is why did all of the sudden he starts liking me right when I choose to give up?? It's just highly strange...