Into You

Part 3

We got through it. We got through it all, but that night, I wanted you to say something

"Don't go, I don't want you to be with him, I want to take you out! Be mine!" 

It wasn't that hard to say that,

I know I based my life around Gossip Girl in the form of advice but now looking back at it, I wish I stayed.

She mentions how when she married Blair's biological father she was nervous and getting anxious but when she married Cyrus, she felt calm, like everything was falling into place for her.

when I was going to go out with him I felt anxious and like I wanted to cancel our plans. God. How much I wish I could go back that day, I remember feeling darkness come over me that day.

I remember wanting to forget you thinking you hadn't had any same feelings, I remember using this opportunity to leave the person I was behind.

His constant abuse, towards me about how much he'd hurt himself, how he would judge me by what I'd wear, how he would tell me that yellow was not my color and make faces, how he said he would break up with me if we didn't have sex soon. I wanted to move on and make choices to forget you. 

We were just friends, you said to your sister. 

Just friends.

I said to myself the nights I'd fight with him constantly when I'd see your name pop up.

I compared everything. Every little thing.

I hated his voice and his laughs and everything about him from how he grabbed my hand to how his eyes would squint at me when he was in a good mood. I grew hate when he said he would hurt me because I'd say things that I didn't know hurt him. I hated him cause he wasn't you.

You were always warm, always always no doubt, ALWAYS.

He was always cold, I didn't want warmth from him.

His mom was plain and cold.

Your mom was expressive and funny and eccentric, I love your mom.

His sister was quiet and passed herself as a know it all and grown up when she wasn't ready.

Your sister is a kid at heart and is so close to everyone in your family. She's grown but she knows when she wants to be a kid at heart.

His little brother was quiet and alone and just sour.

Your brother isn't. He's funny and smart and unlike most small brothers makes sense.

His big brothers were alright.

Your big brother is a screamer but weirdly that's his good trait, he's passionate about something and that to me shows he's into expressing what he finds joy in.

You, I can't say enough to compare everything. But those cuddles in Louis' car, those jokes, those laughs, the first time we went for ice cream we were running around the parking lot and having fun. You were fun, carefree, you weren't bitter. You have always been the one who sparked joy in my heart. 

I remember when he met my family. That night he had been texting a girl instead of being at the dinner correctly. He had been helping her with her math. That day I remember getting annoyed with him and my mom and brother giving me a look and I gave him a look, later on his excuse was,

"Your brother was on his phone too."

When he came to pick me up from work, he had been joking around and I had been just called by my managers to fix up things, I had so many expectations given on me for being new to work and on the field of a job with no experience. I remember stopping him so I could go see what my managers wanted before I left that night. 

I also remember him waiting outside my work texting her, once we got in the car he was still texting her. You know my temper, you know how much I wanted to smash that phone, but I was scared. He scared me so much I wanted to run. 

Once I managed to get the words out about him texting her and whatnot he wanted to justify but I couldn't. I didn't want to because I knew deep in my heart I didn't need to allow anyone to justify their hurt towards me. I remember crying in his arms, not because I was angry at him but because I wanted to be with you. 

He doesn't know how many times I cried in his arms thinking about you, wishing it was you I was holding hands with, fighting with, for and against, wishing we had everything. But I didn't know how you felt. 

Nights I spent wondering what you were doing, how your life was going. I hated going to his house, I hated seeing anime shows, deep down I wanted to up and leave but I stayed and made mistakes because I wanted to forget you.

I told my mom, to this point, I haven't forgiven myself for the mistakes I did. I just can't.