Into You

Part 4

Our fingerprints, I remember we were sitting on the gym floor. We so suddenly decided to place our fingerprints on each other's phones for easier access. See that was how I knew I could trust you and believe you. A guy wouldn't give his phone to a girl so freely. You did. You never said no to me and Louis and Caleb pointed it out to me.

You know he never gave me access to his phone. It was blind trust but he always gave me reasons to distrust him. 

You never did. In fact, you were more open about your life than he was and you were more loving in that way of opening yourself to me. You're close to your niece, he always talked a lot of bad things about them. I couldn't stand it.

I never had that trust feeling that I had with you, or have had so far. I remember many nights I told my mom I wanted to break up with him but he always pulled the suicidal card. I found it weird that he had been more affectionate with me which I hated. 

You're thinking, why were you angry that he was affectionate with you?

He took forever to show me, love, he took forever after the anger and hurt he put on me from his life. He gave me the job of a therapist. Instead of love, I took the glares, the talkbacks, the attention on other girls rather than his girlfriend, the hate and anger he felt he used with me. How excited he was to hear about my days to, using his language, despise hearing me talk about them. How he'd make fun of me, make me feel body self-conscious, how he made me feel ugly and stupid and little. When he never mentioned me to his co-workers when his manager was pimping him out to another co-worker, I knew right off the bat. I chose the wrong person.

I didn't trust him, I didn't love him, I didn't want to marry him, I didn't want to laugh with him, I didn't want inside jokes with him, I didn't want couple dinner dates. I didn't want happy endings with him. I didn't want to be his family. I didn't want to be his, I didn't want to be his everything. I didn't want to bare the same rotten seeds from the rotten tree. I didn't want his anything. I didn't want ANY. THING.

I wanted death instead. 

He had passed and traumatized a survivor of depression and harm. 

I wanted pain again, physical one. 

It was that night I called you.

That one night I broke after he and I had a fight. He wanted to continue our relationship but I didn't. It was either killing myself or killing that relationship.

I chose you.