His Dark Words

27 | And

We walk back through the woods to my mom's car. Vanessa is texting Derrick in the backseat when we arrive. She quickly snaps to attention when we open the door. She's full of questions, but we're both quiet. She apologizes over and over to Alex about how she's been treating him. He just nods in response. I wish he'd say something. I wish I knew what he is thinking. But I don't, I never do, I never have.

"So... Am I taking everyone home, is everything alright?" Mom asks into the awkward silence.

"Not yet... I want... I need to show you guys something back at home."

"Will that be okay with your grandfather, Alex?" she asks, hands resting on the wheel.

"He doesn't much care where I am."

"Call anyway, you too Vanessa. If it's alright with them, you can both stay at ours tonight."

They both call on the drive back and get consent. Back at home my mom fishes out camping beds and sleeping bags. It would've been fun if there wasn't that deadly silence still hanging over us all.

"I thought you were leaving for Florida." Alex says.

"She skipped her flight, for you!" Vanessa stares at him pointedly.

I smile at him, feeling suddenly shy as if we were strangers.

There's something about his eyes that tells me he still doesn't trust me. I suppose he thinks it's all part of the 'me wanting to save him show', that everything I said on the Bridge to Nowhere was just to stop him going over the edge and nothing more.

"What did you want to show us, sweetheart?" Mom asks gently.

"I made a film. Originally it was for Dad, then for Alex, or at least the boy who wrote the book. But I think all this time it's actually been for me. I want you all to see it."

"Okay. Go get it I'll set up the TV." She sounds cautious, like she isn't sure what to expect.

I run upstairs and grab Moments of Sky from my desk then re-join them in the living room. The sofa has been pulled up to the TV like we do on Movie Night and all the lights are switched off. I put in the film and pressed play.

Moments of Sky

Comes onto screen, plain white font on a background of blue sky. I sit beside Alex, stiff, barely touching.

It was everything.

From those first snippets of family movies to clips of Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire. All my joy in a rush of feeling. All these brief seconds I'd sewn together: moment after moment of sky through the clouds. 

I feel the tears come but I'm not unhappy. They are tears of relief. I feel for Alex's hand and hold it tight as if I can make him feel my meaning with the force of my grip. We watch it through to the last scene where it's just blue, blue sky on and on from every film I could find from Laputa to The Truman Show.

Then it's over, and I'm jumping up to turn the lights back on.

"What... What is this?" Asks Vanessa, trying hard not to hurt my feelings.

"It's beautiful, Harlow." Says Alex, very quiet and very serious.

"But what does it mean? Moments of Sky?" She frowns.

"It means you look for the goodness wherever you can find it... Is that right, honey?" Mom says.

I nod. "Maybe it can't save people. But it can remind them. Of beauty, of light, of love, of all that's good about this world. Enough to seek it out, enough for them to keep looking for it in themselves."

"I love it." Vanessa grins. "Super deep."

I can't help but laugh. "I want everyone to see it." I say, twisting my hands in front of me.

"I think I know someone who can help with that..." Alex replies.

All the coldness and mistrust has gone out of his face. He smiles at me with his goofy, Alex-smile and I feel my heart leap in my chest to see it.

******

I don't know how she ends up doing it, but after all, how does Macie Myers do anything? All Alex had to do was slip her the film and the rest just fell into place. It's the final assembly on the last day of school. I'm leaving this evening for Florida and it's the last time we'll all be together for a while. Halfway through the assembly all the lights cut out, and the projector whirs down into place. Mr. Peterson rushes to the projector room, but it's jammed shut.

My film illuminates the hall with sky blue. I can't breathe, I can barely bring myself to watch it. But then it's over and starting again. It plays on loop until they break down the door. By then clever Macie is long gone, sitting with the other seniors as if she'd been there the whole time.

It's glorious. 

People call it pretentious crap, stupid, weird, wonderful, perfect. 

But it doesn't matter; It's been seen. 

It existed, it exists, and it was felt. 

It meant something. 

Maybe not to everyone but to someone even if it was just me and Alex. I can't explain it, but it's like that feeling you sometimes get at the end of a song... It's like a feeling that you know you're getting out alive. You're getting out and it's real. Life is more than just the one moment of pain. The pain will pass and we'll be free of it.

And then in no time at all I'm leaving. I'm on a plane hurtling through the night sky at impossible speed towards the Sunshine State, leaving it all and everyone behind me. 

But even though it's over, it's not really over and it wasn't all for nothing, nothing ever is...

But what about Alex?

Well, he's doing better now. Some days are good, some are worse, but he's getting help. We both are. Ultimately, I know that I have no control over how he feels or what he does... But I can be good to him. I can be his friend. When the summer is over and he's eighteen he'll be free of that place. Free of his grandfather's pressure and all it comes with. 

It's all temporary, just like I said to him in my letter before I ever knew that he was Book-Boy. He can walk away and never return if he wants to. 

He, Derrick and Vanessa are all flying down to Florida to see me in a week's time. I don't know if Alex and I will be anything more than what we were... But I hope we can be.

I will always miss my Dad. I will always regret the decision he made to end his own life. There will forever be that hole inside of me where he should've been, and I will always want that life that we could've shared together. But I want to climb out of that darkness, because I can and because I have to. His death, that one moment in time does not dictate the rest of my life.

Life is complicated, people are complicated, but Alex has a future. He has a future because he decided he does and sometimes that's all you can do; decide that there is an 'and' after what you thought was the end... His life won't be perfect, neither will mine or Vanessa's or anyone's but they're our lives to live and we are alive. 

He can rise up out of his dark words and... And

I hope that you enjoyed reading His Dark Words. All the characters in this book are fictional and any resemblance to people living or dead is a coincidence. I understand that dealing with this subject matter is difficult. Life is complicated. Humans are perfectly imperfect creatures and I've tried to represent the characters in this book as flawed, but not hopeless. 

I want to thank Ro for being my constant supporter through everything, always. 

I also want to thank: @NoirZani, @lalawahm and @Janet14Serene for being the biggest supporters of this book from the beginning. Please head over and check out their profiles if you haven't already. Thank you for reading His Dark Words and giving me a moment of sky through the clouds. 

See you in the 'And' 

All my love, 

A. L. Sestier