His Dark Words

19 | Real Friends and True Enemies

I want to go back to school. Anything is better than being at home and just going over what happened again and again. I must've watched my unfinished film hundreds of times by now. It's like a form of flagellation. Each time I watch it I feel like the boy; my father, in these bursts of recorded life, becomes more and more distant. It's like he's becoming history before my eyes: some anonymized stranger who I just happen to share half of my DNA with.

So, it's better to go back to school, at least then I can't watch it over and over until it becomes completely meaningless to me. Vanessa is waiting for me when my mom drops me off. She hasn't left me alone much since the funeral. She also has a new, tense expression on her face that's just for me. It must be hell having a best friend that makes you so nervous. She grabs my arm as soon as I'm out of the car like I'm a balloon that will float away if someone isn't holding on tight. She waves at my mom then pulls me over to the trees outside of school.

"I need to tell you something."

"What?" I feel tired again as soon as she says it.

"Austin and Macie got back together."

"Oh yeah?" I respond without inflection.

"I wanted to tell you before you see them together."

"That's thoughtful." I really mean it, but I can't seem to get any emotion into my voice.

She's looking at me like a bird hovering over an egg that's about to hatch.

"It's okay, Vanessa. I don't think it matters anymore. He wasn't who I thought he was. Maybe Macie's games are what he needs to save him from whatever he's going through... I don't know. Anyway, how's Alex coping with it?"

Vanessa relaxes a little: gossip is her safe space. "It's really weird but I got the impression that he was kind of relieved. I really thought he'd be devastated. She dropped him without a word, can you imagine?"

"Sounds about right." It was Alex, arriving with a self-deprecating look on his face. "You okay, Harlow?"

I want to say no but I just nod jerkily. "You?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Vanessa purses her lips. "The Macie thing."

He raises an eyebrow.

She sighs. "You know, Macie and Austin are back together!"

"Oh yeah?" He smiles, his goofy Alex smile.

"What's the matter with you? You're being so weird about this!" Vanessa pushes him.

I look at Alex quizzically. It's good to see him smile and tease Vanessa, good to be just the three of us again. It's like the last few weeks didn't happen. It almost feels normal... Almost. 

But there's something strange about the whole situation with Alex and Macie. As I look at Alex I can't tell if he's hiding something or not. His brown eyes are so dark they're almost black. Austin's eyes had betrayed his motives even when I hadn't wanted to see anything, Alex's are always unreadable. He's a mystery.

The bell rings and we follow everyone else into school. With Alex on one side and Vanessa on the other I can almost pretend it's a normal school day. If only everyone wasn't staring at me in that 'there goes the girl whose Dad killed himself' way. I focus all my attention on the ground. Concrete, grass... Wooden floorboards: you are my new horizons.

I can't say it doesn't hurt when I actually see them together at lunch. Austin has his arm resting over her shoulders so she's tucked up right into his side in that way that seems to be his habit. Thinking back now it was actually kind of heavy and made my neck ache. Macie, with her barely-there skirt is looking anywhere but Austin, her electric-blue eyes triumphant.