The Diary Swap | ✓

Chapter 11

Chapter 11: I'm sorry

I shut my eyes, ready for the impact. I wouldn't be in time even if I moved. It was like I was ready for it, I braced myself for it. A little art of me saying you'll reunite with dad. Then I thinkk about mom, Ash, and even Vanessa. Yet, I knew it was going to happen. That was until I felt warm hands grab my upper arms, pushing me out of the car's way. The hands scared me, causing me to fling my eyes open and fell onto the cold, wet road. That wasn't what I cared for though, as I watched the scene unfold in front of me.

The impact never came.

"no!" I screamed in horror.

Everything went in slow motion from then on, making my heart pound out of my chest, crying even harder. The screeching of tyres flooded my ears. Ash flew about three meters away from the car, as it slowed to the stop. I watched, my heart shattering into a million pieces. This scene was all too familiar. I've witnessed it before, I've seen this before. This can't happen to me again, it can't. I can't lose another guy whom I care for and love again, not like this.

I got up from the ground, and wince when a sharp pain shot through my ankle. That wasn't my problem right now, it was Ash. He had saved me life. He actually got hit by a car for me. They say 'I'd take a bullet for you' but I always thought it'd be one where that person would actually live, but here he is, lying on the ground, almost motionless.

"call the goddamn police!" I shouted to the driiver, who just looked pale.

"hey..." I cried and got to him, "stay with me, okay?"

"I don't think I can," he said breathless.

"you're going to have to, okay?"

"it hurts, Cas,"

"I know, I know." I said, as he head lied on my lap.

"I'm sorry..." he coughed, "for not... telling you"

"I don't care! just stay with me, okay?" I begged, my tears flowing out like a never ending waterfall.

"I'm afraid... that's something I wouldn't... be able to do, sweetheart" he breathed, coughing even more and wincing as he coughed.

"yes you can! you have too! I can't lose you too, okay Ash! I forgive you! I'm your grlfriend, you're not suppose to let me cry, you're not suppose to break my heart, so please, just stay," I sobbed.

"please," I whispered as his eyes started to flutter close, "c'mon Ash, the ambulance is coming, fight it," I encouraged, whsipering to him.

Somehow, I knew he was gone. I knew he wouldn't make it.

"I'm sorry, tell Vanessa and my parents... I-I'm sorry, and I... love them" he breathed, this time, his eyes really closed.

"no! you can't! I hate you! you have to find a way to make me forgive you, you have to keep on living and showing me your smiles and smirks, your outfits and awesome music tastes! you can't just enter my life and leave! you can't! you have to stay with me okay?" I shouted, hoping that would make him fight off the darkness.

"I'm sorry, Cas" he whispered for the last time, "I love you, too"

That was it. He was gone. I stared at his lifeless body. I pulled him upwards, making his lifeless body lay on my chest, my legs crossed as I sobbed into his shoulder. He was gone. And today was the first day he had asked me to be his girlfriend, the first day we went on a day, the first day I would never see him in school from now on. I hate this. I was angry at the world, for taking my father, then my boyfriend. Am I just that prone to losing men I love in my life?

I heard screams cloud my eardrums once again, and I realised it was Mrs. Anderson, and Mr Anderson was shouting Ash, Ash! I felt selfish, that I got to hear his last words, that he didn't get to tell his family what he wanted to say, that his family didn't get to spend his last moments with them. I stood up, gently letting Ash down, and pain shot through my ankle once again. I whispered a little I love you, hoping that wherever he was, whether his soul was still in his body, or had went to what they call the light, or he was staring at his own dead body as a ghost. I let Mr Anderson comfort Mrs Anderson, who was hysterical. Vanessa, however, was just there, shocked. Tears were streaming out of her eyes, but she was shocked.

I realised, she might have witnessed the whole accident.

I bent down and hugged her. Tight. A little girl her age should never witness such a horrifying thing. I was 11 when I witnessed dad die, and I couldn't handle it. I'm 18, witnessing Ash's death and here she is, a little 4 year old girl, witnessing her own brother's death. I realised when she grows older, she won't have an over-protective brother anymore, she wouldn't have the brother who would make her giggle, make her laugh when she's down, give her advice on boys when she doesn't want to tell her parents abut her crush. She wouldn't have the brother who would be there for her when a guy breaks her heart, she wouldn't get to cry her eyes out when her brother comes back from college. Nothing. Nothing at all.

She hugged me back, and I felt my sleeve getting soaked. She had finally processed what had happened, and she cried, sobbed, teared, into my sleeve. I held her, knowing she would need someone. I know how it feels it feels to lose a family member, or someone you love deeply. After all, I have witnessed it twice. But, I wasn't 4 years old when I witnessed the deaths, I was a little older, a little more understanding and matured, so I wouldn't understand how she actually feels. She's going to have to deal with the so-called boring babysitter because Ash wasn't here anymore, to bring her over to mine, or to take her out for ice cream, or anything for that matter.

"I'm sorry... munchkin," I croaked.

"he's in a good place right?" she asked, still crying.

"yes, because he's a good person," I tried smiling as she pulled apart.

"then we shouldn't be crying, not a lot, because Ash wouldn't want that,"

"okay, we're going to stop crying okay?"

She nodded and I kissed her temple. Somehow, more tears streamed down my face. She was so understanding, so matured at such a young age. And the fact that Ash was gone, that she knew what had happened, yet she's so positive about it, is amaing. Ash, Mr and Mrs Anderson definitely taught her well.

I made a promise to myself, and that was to patch up Vanessa's heart. She might be fine now, but I feared that at night, the scene might replay in her mind as nightmares and she would scream and cry, finally accepting it. I made a promise to myself that Vanessa should and shall be like my little sister. Ash would want me to take care of her or else she would be bored to death, okay not bored to death, that's not a good word to use now. If Mr and Mrs Anderson was at work, I made a promise to myself and Ash that whever I was free -which is most of the time-, I would visit Vanessa, I would take her out for ice cream, I would lbring her to The Sweet Tooth, I would bring her to theatres to watch the next Barbie movie if I had to. Whatever it is, I want to make her happy again.

That's the least I can do because Ash saved my life. I need to make up for it. I know that whatever I do can never bring him back, but I will make sure his death was worth it, at least for him. Because for me, it wasn't worth it. He shouldn't have. He had a bigger family than me, a younger sister, both his parents, and yet, he saved me.

I think that's the worst part of deaths, that you would have to live in a world and not see that person's perfect smile, or never touch their hands again, or the nightmares. And the hardest part of someone's death is:

Accepting the fact that their gone. Forever.

>><<