The Promise

Chapter 18

The truck stopped outside the fences and walls, that surrounded the Warsaw Ghetto. We all went of the truck and lined up in front of the entrance, that was guarded by officers with a few meters between each other. I tried to look through the fences and walls, to catch a look of the prisoners inside. I couldn't see anything, only hear the voices. My small hairs on my skin arose. I barely heard anything of Gyrowetz' talk. I couldn't care less, I only thought of the Jews inside of the Ghetto. The officers stepped aside and the entrance to the Ghetto opened. My eyes widened. I saw it all. I the Jews, how they were treated, the dirt, poverty, smelled the stank and saw people laying around the streets sick and dying. We all followed Gyrowetz, like was it a tour guide through the Zoo. Someone cried. Someone screamed, someone starred at me and someone walked like a ghost through the streets with an empty look in their eyes. Their clothing... How long had they been wearing it? A week, a month? They was sick, starving and dirty. I felt like doing something. All these faces. All this misery and no one cared. I heard Isabell's voice over and over in my head. Isabell was right. Had I been blind? Why could I be here? Be a part of this? I wasn't a human, I was the devil himself. Yet, I continued to walk after the crowd, because I had to find a way out of this, without getting shot now. I looked at Pierre, who was walking next to me. His face smiled widely, he nodded at Gyrowetz' talk and looked admiring at the Jews circumstances. I walked with open mouth and widely eyes. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe Pierre's expression. I felt like hitting him in the face. Jump at him and throw him down at the ground. Cry and shout. Runaway and forget about what I saw. I felt like travelling to Madagascar with Isabell. At least there we could be alone and forget it all. This was a sick country, we was living in. I didn't want to be a German anymore. Not if it meant being a part of this horror. The crowd stopped up in front a higher range officer. He looked like the rest of them. A Nazi stereotype. A blond, blue-eyed man. Like myself. I swallowed of the thought.
-"My gentlemen, I'm Karl Wintsch, I will part you up and give you each different tasks." Mr. Wintsch said strictly. I swallowed my pride. The officer continued,
-"Those officers, who aren't mentioned follows, officer Lindner and those who are mentioned sticks with me." Mr. Wintsch ordered. The crowd nodded. I stood overwhelmed by.
-"Elmar Hertel, August Scherler, Linus Klügmann, Nino Zippe, Philip Mandel and Anton Engel." My heart froze for a moment. The rest of the crowd left us. Pierre, Severin... And the others. Wait, if they were leaving, then why was we still remaining inside of this place? I looked over my shoulder, and saw the other officers walking ahead of the entrance again. But... but I was suppose to go with them?! I was suppose to go back to Isabell, not stay inside of this horror place!?
-"Are you alright, Mr.? Was it Mr. Engel?" Mr. Wintsch turned to me. I turned desperate around and looked into his icy cold eyes.
-"Sir, I was suppose to go with them?" I replied confused.
-"No, Mr. Engel. You're suppose to stay here and do your duty towards your country." Mr. Wintsch insisted. My duty? My duty!!!? I felt my hands shivering.
-"My gentlemen, your assignments will be inside of this Ghetto. You will be guarding the Ghetto, keep order inside of the Ghetto and most importantly, make sure these filthy Jews won't terrorise Germany." Mr. Wintsch ordered. My heart ran crazy. I couldn't stay here! For how long!? I had to get back to Isabell and not stay inside of this hell and torture people like this!

❦

Guarding the food administration wasn't at least standing directly and killing people. Oh God, no it was horrible. So much death, so much pain and suffering. I couldn't do anything, but to play my role perfectly. What could I do? I was 17 years old. They would shot me, before I could count to three. I had to think of Isabell. She was my light.

I saw a transportation truck enter through the gates. Food delivery. Food, which never seemed to end in any of Jews' stomachs. They were all as thin, as a piece of paper. The truck pulled in, the car door was opened and I approached the truck. I was suppose to control the truck for illegal supplies. If I found something, I was suppose to report it, beat them or do whatever I pleased to do. I had never found anything illegal, such as a knife, but if I ever found a knife, I would let them keep it and keep shut about it. A Jewish man and another non-Jewish driver got out of the truck. It was obviously, who was Jewish and not. You could simply look at their clothing. The men nodded at me, and opened their truck's backroom for me to inspect it. I took up  a can. Tomatoes it said. None of the men said anything. It was obviously, that they were scared of me and I hated it. I didn't mean to scare them and yet I stood in a fully dressed Nazi uniform.
-"Can I help?" Someone said from behind me. I turned around, and saw a taller lad than me, with golden blond hair, dark blue eyes with an muscular figure. The guy grabbed onto one of the other cans. Then he looked at me. He was about one inch taller than me. The guy smiled.
-"I'm Linus Klügmann, by the way." The guy handed me his hand. I took it.
-"Anton Engel." I replied stunned by his natural appearance. Linus blinked at me and turned back to the cans.
-"Where are you from, Anton? May I call you Anton or should I call you by the old manners?" Linus laughed ironic. I laughed too.
-"No, Anton is fine. I'm from Berlin." I replied and continued to inspect the rest of the supplies.
-"Cool, I've been there plenty of times. I'm from Leipzig." Linus blinked. I laughed.
-"Leipzig is pretty cool." I answered. Linus moved closer to me.
-"How do you feel about the army?" Linus whispered in my ears. I was surprised by him nearing me and then whispering to me. Especially the directly question.
-"I did it for the money." I replied neutral. Linus laughed.
-"I did it for the women!" Linus replied loudly.
-"What women?" I said confused.
-"Look around yourself, man. There's women everywhere. I've heard there's even some blond girls here in the Ghetto." Linus blinked at me.
-"What are you talking about?" I was even more confused about his answer. Linus put down the last can, there was left and now had been inspected. I nodded at the two men, as a sign for them to move on. Linus and I walked over to the stairs steps to one of the apartments, only a few steps away. Linus sat down on one of the stair steps and I sat a few steps lower down. Linus puffed me in side and looked at me.
-"Don't tell me, you already have a girl at home, waiting for you?" Linus said.
A girl? Yes. No. I sort of had Isabell. We had kissed, but we wasn't even suppose to be near of each other. I was suppose to lock her up and she was suppose to hate me. But I could never lock her up and I would do everything in the World, for her to never hate me. I couldn't allow myself to be her guy, like she couldn't allow herself to be my girl. We shouldn't be each other's anything. I sighed.
-"No, of course not." I replied.
-"Cool, man! What's your type in woman?" Linus smiles interested at me. I lifted my left eyebrow and then rolled my eyes.
-"Okay, okay, fine, I'll begin then. I want a blond girl, with big brown eyes and light skin. She should be a real woman, you know? Not one of these cheap tramps. No, no, one with style and a beautiful smile." Linus smirked dreamy. I thought of Isabell's blond hair, her big brown eyes and light skin. Her beautiful smile.
-"Like, that one!" Linus broke out and pointed excited at a blond girl walking around in the streets. Her dress was torn. She had scars, bruises and bare feet. She was collecting trash, trying to eat it. She was freighting skinny and pale. Her lips was blue. She looked up from the trash on the street and our eyes met. I saw Isabell's brown eyes. My heart pumped harder. I couldn't breathe. I saw the blood. The dried blood down between her legs. I saw her innocence, her frightens, but also her hope for me to rescue her. For someone to safe her.

❦

The days was colliding into each other. I didn't know the dates. Every day something happened I wanted to forget and every night I couldn't sleep. I was being paranoid. I dreamt, that Isabell had been found in the shed and brought to a Ghetto, like this one. That she was being raped, beaten and starved. Every day, I sat on that stair, waited for transportation to inspected or someone to come and tell me I could return to the headquarter - to Isabell. But no one said anything. I was writing down the numbers for the transportation. I torn the page of the notebook and threw the piece of paper down to the ground. I was tired of writing how little the imprisoned people ate. I turned to the notebook and began writing on the blank page.
"Dear Isabell,
I think of you all the time.
I cannot think of anything else,
but to return to you.
The kiss in the shed...
Can I allow myself to have fallen for you?
Would you ever think of me,
like that, when I am an officer,
who wanted to arrest you
and your family.
Can you forgive me for what
I have done towards you?
I wish I had been another man,
but I'm not.
I'm the worst kind and I'm sorry.
Love,
Anton."

I put the pen down on the page. I didn't know what to say or what to do, to make it all good again. I was her worst enemy and I couldn't safe her. I would only kill the both of us. I sighed. I ripped the page of the notebook out and folded the paper. I had to send her the letter. I got up from the stairs. Then I opened the door to the apartment and entered. Two Jewish administrators sat behind a desk. They both looked frightened at me. I looked down at the floor.
-"Do you have an envelope, please?" I almost mumbled. There was silence for a few seconds and then of the men replied, -"Yes, sir." I looked up at one of the men and he handed me a envelope. I looked at his hand. It was black of dirt.
-"Thank you." I replied and left the apartment again. I put the letter down in the envelope.

❦

I waited for what feels, like forever. Every day was just another day in hell. Screams and cries. German and polish was spoken, but no one helped. Every day I was inspecting the trucks with supplies coming through the Ghetto, but I only thought of the abuses, that was going on. Today yet another good transportation would be arriving. Yet another day to forget.

I played with the pen between my fingers, that was resting on the old desk. I had been installed into the office next to the Jewish men, who had provided me with the stamps for my letter to Isabell. I hadn't received any reply and I hadn't expected one neither. Isabell didn't know where I was and besides it would be to risky, if she send me any letters. I looked down at the calendar in front of me on the desk. I had arrived to the Warsaw Ghetto on November 2nd 1940. Now it was December 24th 1940. Tomorrow it would be Christmas. Isabell would be alone and so would I. I took a blank piece of paper and began writing.

Dear Isabell,
I still think about you all the time.
Tomorrow it's Christmas of 1940
and we should both be at home celebrating it with our families, instead of being where we are.
I miss you all the time, even though I shouldn't. I would be shot, if they knew about us and you would be imprisoned.
Yet, I can't help to dream about you.
Love,
Anton.