Free Falling

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

It's been three days since I was admitted to the hospital and Koz hasn't left my side. It's either been Tig, Happy or Gemma sitting with us but Koz doesn't leave his spot, still holding my hand. I start opening my eyes and the first thing I see is Koz holding my hand to his lips and his eyes closed. He looks like he's praying. "Koz." I whisper. He looks up and is immediately pulling me into a hug. "Baby. Holy shit. I thought I lost you. I love you so much baby." he says in rushed whispers. Gemma gets up to get the nurse. The nurse comes in and says "If you will both step into the hall so that I can examine her, please." Koz looks at her and says "I'm not going anywhere." She just nods and goes about her business.

Once the nurse is done, Koz, who still hasn't let go of my hand, sits on the edge of the bed once the nurse leaves. "Baby, what happened?" he asked. There was no accusation in his voice, just concern. "I keep hearing Jeremy telling me that I'm not enough. I thought you would be better off without me." I tell him, looking down. Tilting my head up he says "Baby, I will never be better off without you. He can't hurt you anymore but I need you to tell me when shit like that is going on in that pretty little head of yours. I meant what I said. I need you and only you. I love you and only you. I want you and only you. Charley, you are it for me." he tells me and I feel the tears start falling. "Koz you didn't even know that I wasn't in bed with you all night. I sat out on the patio and cried. All I could hear was that voice telling me I wasn't enough. That I would never be enough. I just couldn't take it anymore." I tell him. He pulls me to him and whispers in my ear. "Do you love me?" I pull back and look at him and say "More than anything." He kisses me softly and says "Then I need you to stick around. Don't ever leave me, please." he almost begs and I just nod my head.

A little later the doctor comes in and says "I want you to talk to one of our therapists. Maybe we can help you get to the root of what got you to this point." she says. "Yeah. Okay." I say laying my head against Koz. Happy walks in as the doctor is leaving. "Hey little girl. How you feeling?" he asked. "I'll be okay." I tell him. "Well, no more of that shit. Something's bothering you, you tell us. We got you. Hear me?" he asked and I nodded my head. "Thanks Hap." I say.

A couple of hours later, I am sitting in the therapist's office and Koz is in the waiting area, waiting on me. He hasn't left my side. "So, what's brought you here today?" she asked. "I, uh, tried to kill myself." I tell her. "What made you make that decision?" she asked. "I am seeing this great guy but I just don't think I will be enough for him. He helped me get out of an abusive relationship and he's really supportive of me but I keep hearing my ex in my head still telling me that I am not good enough, or thin enough or pretty enough." I tell her. "Do you still have contact with your ex?" she asked. "No. None at all. I was able to completely cut him out of my life thanks to my boyfriend." I tell her. "That's good. Would you be okay with me bringing him in? I am assuming it's the gentleman sitting out in the waiting area?" she asked and I nodded my head yes. A couple of minutes later, Koz is sitting on the couch next to me and has intertwined our fingers. He places a kiss to my knuckles before giving a supportive little squeeze. "Charley tells me that you helped her get out of an abusive relationship." she says to Koz. "Yeah. He was beating her and raping her. She deserved better." He says looking over at me. "Charley, why don't you tell him what you told me." she says. I look at Koz and say "You have been so good to me and I love you for it. But I still have him in my head telling me that I'm not good enough and I'm scared you are going to get tired of it and leave." I tell him. "Baby, I'm not going anywhere. I told you, you are it for me. I don't need or want anyone but you. You have know idea. All I think about is you. I don't even see anyone else. I love you so fucking much." he tells me and I start crying. "Are you still having thoughts of suicide?" the therapist asked. "No. I just couldn't get the voices to stop and was scared that if I talked to him about it that he would leave." I tell her. "Don't ever think I'll leave. Baby, the shit you went through? You came out of that. It might not feel like it but just getting into a relationship with me and trusting me after all that you went through? That takes strength baby. A lot of strength." Koz tells me. "He's right. You could have let that ruin you and let it consume you but getting into a relationship after something like that, tells me that you still have that power. You didn't let your power slip away. I don't see any reason that you should need to continue sessions but please feel free to come see me if you feel you need to. As long as you are keeping the lines of communication open with someone about how you are feeling, you should get past this." she tells me.

That evening, I am still in the hospital but will be going home the next day. Koz lays down on the bed with me and says "I love you Charley." I snuggle closer to him and say "I love you too Koz. I am so sorry." I say as I start crying again. "Don't. Baby, you are still dealing with shit. It's not going to go away overnight and I know that. But I will be here with you all the way." he says. "Thank you." I tell him. He pulls me closer still and kisses the top of my head. I tilt my head up to look at him and he places a soft kiss to my lips. Laying my head on his chest, I drift off to sleep.

The next day, I finally get released. Walking into the house, Koz and I sit on the couch and he pulls me to him. Turning on the TV, neither of us say a word for a while. I finally break the silence. "Koz?" I asked. "Yeah baby." he says. "What would you say about us getting a dog?" I asked. "A dog? What made you want that?" he asked. "I just think it might help to have something to concentrate on and when you aren't able to be here I won't be home alone stuck in my own head." I tell him. "You got a breed in mind?" he asked. "German Shepards are my favorite." I tell him. "I think that's a good idea baby. We'll start looking for one in the morning." he tells me and I snuggle in beside him. "I love you Herman." I say. He smiles and says "I love you Charley. You have no idea how much."