The Magic of Story

Letter To A Friend That Hurt Me

Dear "Friend,"

You have no idea. None at all. No idea that you hurt me. And no idea how much.

I know you know the face you make. The look saying, "I can't believe you could say that. You're disgusting and worthless."

You make me feel like it's ME that has to change, like I'M the one to blame. You say it's fine and that you love me, but you break down my confidence bit by bit. You drag me down and make me feel like a used, empty wrapper that once had something delicious and beautiful underneath.

I'm empty.

I feel hollow inside, alone- so, so alone. I thought you loved me- you said you did and I lied by saying I could tell you did- but then you tore my heart away and crushed it under your feet. You pulled me in like the ocean waves, then dropped me off in the middle of nowhere to die. My heart was crushed under your shoes, into billions of pieces oozing of strangled love I wanted to confess.

I loved you- but not as a friend. As a sister. A family member. Someone I could trust to give me everything and expect nothing in return. Someone who could always keep my secrets and bring them to your grave.

I was at a high. You were always there, telling me I was beautiful and worth it- that our boyfriends were great and that I deserved love. You told me every day that you loved me. That you cared. Then you linked arms with me and we skipped down the halls, singing songs from my favorite musical- the songs you bothered to learn just for me.

Then it all changed.

You were always kind of mean, kind of rude to me, but you immediately fixed it. But now...

You brought me down. You crushed me. With every ignored text, every unanswered question, you took me down to the darkest low of my life. I lost someone special to me and you expected me not to grieve. At your church you claimed you were thankful to me, and I cried. But you never acted thankful for me since.

You used me and expected me to give you everything. You expected me to buy you things and comfort you at every waking moment. You expected me to be sorry for your injuries- you always seemed to be hurt somehow. But when I got hurt, you didn't care or show empathy. It was like you didn't believe my pain. 

When I found out what injury I had, you said "Oh, I have that too. You'll be fine."

When had you mentioned that? When did you tell me you had it? And when was mine suddenly not as important as yours? When am I suddenly not as important as you?

You insult me or ignore me, then expect everything to be fine.

Not once have you apologized for hurting me.

I went through tough times. I tried to define myself and find confidence, but you destroyed mine with every chance you got. I broke up with my boyfriend. I know it was spontaneous, but I just wasn't happy. After that, you changed. It was like you were mad at me for breaking up with him. I know I hurt him, but would you rather me be miserable in a relationship I don't feel for?

You made me feel like I needed to apologize. Every day I felt like I needed to go home and change myself. Become someone you clearly thought I should be.

I no longer want to apologize to you in the sad tone I used to. An apology never reciprocated. I will apologize in a bitter, sarcastic tone.

I'm SORRY my happiness doesn't go with your ideals.

I'm SORRY I'm not the perfect girl you think I am.

I'm SORRY I don't deserve your love.

I'm SORRY you expect your religion to protect you from everything.

We're both Christian, but when you hurt someone you call it HONESTY. When you ignore me or tell me I did something to make you angry, something that no reasonable person would be mad at, you call it HONESTY. When I broke up with my boyfriend, you said it was an awful thing to do.

And to be honest, you made me wish I didn't.

I'm tired of you constantly putting me down. Ignoring me, telling me I "took the coward's way out."

You CAN'T CHANGE ME! I won't let you. I am tired of constantly being hurt by you. I am tired of feeling like I don't deserve your love.

Sometimes you make me hate myself.

You expect me to be perfect.

You use me.

You walk all over me.

You destroy my happiness.

You destroy me.

You destroy me.

Because of you, I am a shell. I am gone. I don't have my personality. Because of you, I lost myself.

You use me.

You walk all over me.

But what can I do except let you?

If I confront you, you'll do that face. The judgmental one that makes me hate myself. I can't talk to you. I'll just hurt myself more. I'm in pain, you say "deal with it."

Don't you understand that pain is so much more? Don't you get that I'm no more perfect than you are?

DON'T YOU GET THAT YOU'RE HURTING ME?

Of course you don't. Because I'll let my head down, pretend to forgive you, and never send this note. I'll never be able to tell you what I'm saying here. I'll never be able to escape this relationship that you destroyed.

No, my ideals don't match yours.

No, I'm not just like you.

No, I'm not the person who's desperate for a relationship.

I can't force myself to become the person you are. You can't fit a size 10 foot into a size 6 shoe. It's just not like that.

You expect my life to be perfect just because yours is, but I still have issues. You didn't believe me about my panic attacks. You say "every teenager goes through that. You're fine."

I AM CLEARLY NOT FINE!

I can't tell you this because I know you don't understand. You never will.

But you're a BULLY. You're BULLYING me, and this is a toxic relationship that you don't even realize you're causing. I'm done with you.

I can't do this anymore.

Please don't talk to me.

Please don't let me be manipulated by you anymore.

I just want to be happy.

Goodbye.