I Fell In Love, But It Wasn't Mine To Have

1

Tsukiyama was heartbroken. Today was the worst day of his life! He stared at his umpteenth glass of blood wine, wondering why the universe had to be so cruel to him in particular. He freely admitted that he had done wrong. He was not a good person, in any sense of the word. But this.......this was too much. He had began his day normally enough, styling his hair, fixing his make up, choosing which outfit to wear.
Then he'd had some coffee and a light breakfast (lightly fried liver was absolutely delicieux), and decided to tell Kaneki-kun how he felt about him. It had been building for months, what he felt for the dolce half ghoul. At first, he had joined the group to of course eat Kaneki, every last, savory bite. The hunger was still there, faint but overlooked by a much stronger need. He wanted him, in all ways. He loved his smile, his laugh, his scowls and sneers. His beautiful words and incredible strength. His soft-looking pure white hair, and the curve of his pink mouth. His lithe, lean body, and magnifique rinkaku. Every time he was impaled on that kagune, he was glad because his Kaneki looked so......so......he could not put it into words. He did everything he could to gain the other's trust.
Shuu cursed himself daily for betraying it in the first place. If he had not thought with his stomach, he and Kaneki.....they could have been something. And he had hoped that they still could be. He fought for Kaneki, beside Kaneki, supported his worthy cause generously, let him use him as a punching bag, degrade him with filthy words. As long as Kaneki needed, no, wanted, Shuu around, he was happy. Tsukiyama wanted nothing more than for the half ghoul to be happy. His heart ached for all the other had gone through, for what he had put him through. He had sworn to himself that he would never, ever hurt the half ghoul again. He would die for him.
Happily be killed by him, if it came down to it.
A part of Shuu, deep within, told him how unhealthy his feelings for Kaneki were, but a bigger part didn't give a fuck. He loved Kaneki Ken, and today, he was to tell him. He motioned for the bartender ( a young man, someone Itori had recently hired to help her manage Helter Skelter when needed) and uttered a quiet "Merci," as his glass was refilled. He didn't care that he had already had too many, his head swimming and vision blurry. He wanted to fucking drown. He was so, so stupide. How could he have ever thought Kaneki would want him? After all he had done? He was disgusting, filthy, vile. No one could love a monster like him. He closed his eyes, seeing everything happen all over again.
***
Shuu had come to the apartment around two in the afternoon. Kaneki had been on the sofa, sitting comfortably next to Banjo. Hinami was with Touka. After Tsukiyama's multiple attempts at small talk had been shot down, he decided to just come out with it. "Ah, Kaneki-kun!! Isn't it wonderful, love?"
Kaneki glared at him from over his book. "And what the hell do you know about love, Tsukiyama?"
The gourmet slapped his hand over his heart. "Peine d'amour! But of course I do! This feeling running through me, what else could it be?"
He had never felt this way, about anyone. No one but Kaneki. He tried his best not to be hurt by Kaneki's words, fully intending to say what he had come here for. He gently touched the petals of a rose he had brought for the half ghoul, taking a breath to steel himself.
"Stupidity?" Banjo asked then, and Tsukiyama flinched, then glared at him. "Tais toi, Banjoi-san! You are not as funny as you may think."
"Actually, I think he may be on to something," Kaneki said, and Shuu's heart sank at the smirk on his face.
"Oh, but enough of that, non? I have come today with a singular purpose, my dear Kaneki-kun. I have been thinking for weeks, and I can no longer withhold these feelings!"
Banjo rolled his eyes. Shuu wished he would leave, so he could tell Kaneki how he felt privately, but he knew that wouldn't happen. So he ignored the oaf as best as he could, eyes on the white haired ghoul, who had put his book down. Parfait! He had his full attention.
"Get on with it," Kaneki said, face unreadable.
"I........" Fuck. Now that the time was here, and two ghouls were staring holes in him, waiting for his oh-so-important declaration....he wasn't sure he could do it. He stuttered, blushed, not looking away from Kaneki for a moment. A long pause, long enough that Banjo made an impatient noise and turned back to the tv. Tsukiyama silently willed Kaneki to accept his love, and desperately hoped he would not be thrown through a wall for speaking his uncensored emotions out loud. Kaneki raised an eyebrow. "Hello, Tsukiyama? Any day now."
"I......I love you," The words burst out. "I love you, Kaneki-kun, and I am so sorry that I have done what I have done to you, and I know that this may not sound sincere, but it is, because I love you, my dolce Kaneki, tu es ma lumiere et mon monde."
The words came out fast and thick and jumbled, but every one of them one hundred percent, completely true. Shuu felt a jolt of shock and fear that he had laid his feelings bare before his amour, but now that he had told him......he felt so relieved, so hopeful. He anxiously scanned Kaneki's face, heart squeezing painfully as the half ghoul gazed at him blankly. He could see Banjo staring at him, dumbstruck, from the corner of his eye. Seconds dragged by, an eternity of anxiety and hope and fear. Then Kaneki laughed. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed, bending over in his mirth, tears springing to his eyes. Tsukiyama watched, stricken. Did the other not believe him? Hurt welled, but before Shuu could fully process what was happening, Kaneki finally spoke.
"Are you serious? Tsukiyama, do you really think you feel that you love me!? What the fuck. You tried to eat me. Twice. You lied to me, betrayed my trust, tried to kill me. And now you say you love me? Bullshit!!! You wouldn't know what love is, even if it struck you in the face." The half ghoul's eyes narrowed coldly. "Get out. Get out, and don't come back, you sick, perverted freak."
Tsukiyama stood frozen to the spot, feeling tears well in his eyes. "K-Kaneki---"
The half ghoul shot to his feet, backhanding the gourmet. "Out! Out, out, out! I don't give a fuck where you go. Leave. I don't want you. I don't need you. And I sure as fuck don't love you."
Shuu stumbled back, blinking back more tears as his heart broke, aching in his chest. His breathing sped up, his throat tight. Banjo sat silently on the couch, eyes wide as he looked between Kaneki and Tsukiyama.
"Do I need to say it again?" Kaneki's voice was low, and deadly.
Tsukiyama finally moved, backing towards the front door, eyes trained on his first love. He tried to speak, but found he couldn't. The words refused to come out. So with one last look, chin trembling,face still stinging, tears running down his cheeks, Shuu left, closing the door softly behind him.
*****