Hanahaki

e i g h t

Standing with a mug cupped in her hands, Tobi stares blanky out the glass door and over the balcony. Rain beats against the glass and from her apartment's position she sees someone run into the cafe across the street, a bag held over their head in a feeble attempt to shield themselves. With her expression void of emotion, Tobi looks into her now empty mug. As she does, she thinks about Ashton and his time spent in her home those few nights ago. 

He was so sweet... She thinks to herself. So why did I fall for Dennis... and not him? It really isn't fair at all, y'know? She lets out a long sigh. Could I fall in love with him? I mean, he's a really good person. Tightening her grip on the empty mug in hand, she continues her inner thoughts, I don't know... Maybe if I had more time? God, this is such a damn mess. 

A knock at the door startles her from her thoughts, almost making her drop her mug. "Oh, uh, coming," Tobi calls, hoping she's loud enough to be heard from the other side. As the knocking continues, she suspects not. "Yeah, yeah, hold your horses, would ya?" Now mildly annoyed, she swings open the door, surprised by the sight that greets her. "Oh, hey..." She gulps and asks, "What, um... What are you doing here?" Her mind flashes to the bloody petal she coughed up the last time they'd spoken, putting her on edge. 

Drenched and flushed, Dennis takes a small step back as if surprised she'd spoken. "I just wanted to -- to apologize for what happened." As he clenches his fists Tobi's grip on the doorknob tightens. They stare at each other's shoes, not sure what to say to the other. Finally, he asks quietly, "So have you told him? Your brother?" 

Without answering the question she says firmly, "Dennis, I think you should leave."  

His eyes widen as she begins closing the door. He grabs it and repeats in a louder voice, "Tobi, answer the question." 

Without breaking eye contact, Tobi flings the door open more and repeats, "Leave." 

Dennis freezes before casting his eyes downward and stepping back. "O-okay..." Taking another step back, he makes his way down the hall and towards the elevator. Without turning back, Dennis says loudly, "You should tell him. It's only gonna be worse for him if you don't." The elevator opens and he steps in, leaving her staring at the closing doors. 

Finally, she mutters, "I don't need your damn advice, Dennis." As she says this, she coughs harshly, petals collecting in her hand. She stares at them, angry, before throwing them towards the ground only to have them flutter uselessly to the ground. 

❀❀❀

Tobi stares at her phone on the vanity as she sits in the bath, contemplating what Dennis said to her in the hall. It's only gonna be worse... Giving a long sigh, she sinks further into the water, her knees rising above the edge of the tub. Dennis... He's constantly running rampant in her mind, plaguing her everyday life. Though, since she's met Ashton, his presence in her mind hasn't been as overpowering.

She shoots up in the water to a full sitting position instead of slouched in the water as she begins coughing a multitude of petals into the water, some of it sloshing over the rim of the tub. When she opens her eyes, she sees little red trails drifting slowly to the bottom of the tub, polluting the water with small amounts of her blood. Tobi stares wide-eyed before her eyes become dull and emotionless. 

Letting herself laugh, she mumbles to herself, "God, I'm so fucking screwed." As she pushes her wet strands of hair out of her face, she adds, "It's barely been a month and this is where I stand?" She pulls a petal out of the water and stares at it, a mixture of blood, saliva, and water coating it. Fear grips her and frightened tears run down her already damp cheeks. Trembling in fear and anger, she folds her arms over her head and tucks it between her knees, her tears spilling into the now pink-ish bath water. With a hoarse voice, she whispers to herself desperately, "What am I going to do..." 

After nearly half an hour, she stands, a dead look on her face. "I should call Ashton... and tell him..." With her hand hovering over her phone, a thought occurs to her. She wonders if the pull she feels to Ashton is love. If what she feels is love, then why does it feel different from her love for Dennis? 

Sitting on the edge of the tub now, she mulls it over in her head. Maybe, she thinks to herself as she stares at the ceiling, it's because Ashton is so different. She sighs and scrubs her face with the heels of her palms. "This really is such a damn mess..." After she coughs up another handful of bloody petals, she adds quietly, "And it just keeps getting messier."

✿✿✿

As the water sprays from the showerhead, Ashton stares at his feet, the heat turning them red. He thinks of Nira, the first person he ever met with Hanahaki. His best friend. Her death. Her love. Her. 

He thinks of the day he told her that she has Hanahaki. The sad look in her eyes as she told him the news. That she'd die. 

"Ashton," Nira said as she entered the cafe. "Can I talk to you? It's important." 

"Yeah, sure. What's up? You got this weird look on your face." He laughed. "Who died?" 

All emotion left her eyes and she led him to a table in the very corner of the cafe. "Ash, I..." After she'd taken a deep breath, she continued, "I have Hanahaki. And I know you probably don't know what that is, so let me explain. I went to the nurse at the school and when I started coughing up these," Unfurling a napkin from her pocket, she revealed yellow petals. "she told me I have Hanahaki. It's a disease of unrequited love. I have flowers growing in my lungs and if the person I love doesn't feel the same way by the time they're done blooming, I'm going to die." As a sad smile spread across her previously somber face, she said, "They'll suffocate me."

He was still reeling from the shock, and asked, "Nira, who is this guy?" 

"You idiot." She laughed as she stood and reached over the table to pat his head. "Obviously, it's you. I haven't even told anyone else. And I don't plan to, either." 

The guilt claws at Ashton as he pulls a hand through his wet hair. He wishes he'd talked her out of it. Sometimes, he even wishes he could've loved her the way she loved him. But the world isn't fair to anyone, and the heart often doesn't listen to the wishes of the mind. "Sorry..." He mumbles, the sound of the water hitting the floor of the shower drowning out his words. "For being so weak." 

"You idiot." She was right, he thought. He was an idiot.

He can never love the person he's supposed to. Instead of falling for his best friend, the one who was literally dying for him, who did he fall for? A girl already in love with someone and suffering from her own Hanahaki disease. The heart really does have a mind of its own, doesn't it?

☁☁☁

Standing outside of the apartment complex under an awning, Dennis stares at the water rushing down the street as he thinks of Tobi. He thinks about her sad and empty eyes that used to be so full of happiness and warmth. As he gives a long sigh, he thinks about her brother and about how he's supposed to get married in a few months. A wave of guilt and sadness overtakes him as he thinks about how it's his fault. 

Why did she fall for him? They were practically siblings. The two of them were so close and had known each other that the thought of them being more than what they were had never even crossed his mind. 

Every smile and laugh and meaningful look and sarcastic remark she had every paid him flashed in his mind. All of those things had been her way of displaying her love. Now that he knew her true feelings, it seems so obvious. But then again, everything does when you have a bit more perspective on things, doesn't it? 

Heaving another sigh, he leans against the brick of the apartment complex, a multitude of emotions running through him as he continues to mull over Tobi's situation in his head. A couple walks past him, the guy holding the umbrella over them. The girl smiles up at him and wraps her hand over the handle with him. 

Pulling the hood of his jacket over his head, Dennis begins walking in the opposite direction as the couple. The heart is such a mysterious thing. It seems it never knows what's right until it's much too late for its input.