Yamuna ( Edited )

Yamuna

Suicide doesn't end the pain,  it just passes it to someone else.

I kept walking barefoot until I reached the end of the cliff.
  
I could feel the cool breeze touching my  tear-dried face. But instead of giving me comfort , the touch of  wind reminded me of the  slap of his hands on my face , making tingles appear on my cheeks at those mere thoughts...

The unwanted images started crawling their ways into my mind again ; like a swarm of bees attacking an innocent child.

I shook my  head , grimacing , not wanting to revive the bitter memories of my married life yet again...not now...
But today was a particularly bad one...
  
I got married at a tender age of sixteen .

The age where you start to feel your body changing , age where the world
feels extra bright with colours of friendship , dreams and crushes .

Before I could even start experiencing  what it feels like to be a young alive  adolescent  , I got married ,to Keshav.

All I had experienced in that marriage  were slaps, punches , kicks and some more kicks...

With passage of time , I became used to this. As each day passed , my hope for some golden day , where he will change and we will live happily ever after became smaller and smaller .

But they say , life goes on , right ?

At my seventeen , I became the mother of my firstborn - a girl  !

When she held my finger in her tiny fist for the first time , I experienced what true love feels like.

All I wanted was to protect my angel from all the evil and give her a happy life . 

But this proved impossible when all I  had were - an alcoholic husband , indifferent relatives and a judgemental society...

The situation didn't change when my little angel had got three more siblings in a span of six years which followed.

Now , 23 , I felt like a dead person trapped in the living body. All these years of abuse and pain made my shoulders hunched and my eyes dead.

Nobody now could tell that I was the same fifteen years old  ' Yamu ' with two ponytails and smile never leaving my face always ready to go to school ; not even I myself..
 
  I closed my eyes to contain the tears that were threatening to spill. I have had enough ! I have to do this ! I have no other choice , do I ?

To end this for once and all...

To become free from this misery , once and for all,  like a  bird finally getting free from the clutches of its cage...
With newfound determination , I  opened my eyes and looked below the cliff ,  looked at the black waves of the sea bouncing under the night sky , my chin quivering .

Everything - the black waves , the moonless night , the dark silence around  - reminded me  of my life till now - utterly black , devoid of all the colours of happiness.

The waves were hitting the shore and  roaring , as if challenging me to come and dual with them . 

And this time , I was more than willing to let them take me , to embrace them until I couldn't feel them apart , couldn't feel anything...

With every step , I  took towards the end of the cliff , numerous faces flashed in my mind -   faces of my parents , looking helpless , who had married me  away to get rid of atleast one of the ten mouths they had to feed , even if it meant taking loan to pay the dowry...
I chuckled  , thinking , now that mouth would be shut forever.

Faces of my in- laws , who were as helpful as a statue in a corner , when I  was being constantly assaulted by my ever so drunk husband  also flashed...making my resolve to end my life firmer.

Face of my husband , Keshav...
who never loved me ... never cared enough to let me continue my  education , never cared enough to stop his liquor , even though I desperately begged him... also flashed .

At last , faces of my four children , four pieces of my heart , made their way in front of my eyes ; making me stop walking further.

'What would they do without me ? '
Her eldest , Meera , was now six years old . Rajesh , her youngest , was just a year old.
 
'They all would be sound asleep by now... What will happen , when tomorrow they would come to know that their mother is no more ?'  I  wondered , film of tears now making my  vision blurry. 

Hurriedly wiping the tears away , I  again looked at the black demon of the sea , now ready to engulf me at any moment... 

I stood there rooted for several long seconds.

The seconds which felt like years...

Something was holding me back.

Suddenly , I felt , what am I doing ?
I shouldn't  do this ! Not to my kids ! 

They have nobody else to go to  , nobody to look upto , other than me !

I would have to live for them , yes , I would have to  !

I cannot become selfish and think just for myself.'
I felt ashamed.
Yes , the pain was unbearable  , the torture never ending..

but if I die today , who will care for my kids ?
They will remember their mother
as someone who left them..who abandoned them when no one was with them.

someone who couldn't  fight for them...

Do I really want to be remembered like that ?

Wiping  my  remaining tears with veil of my saree , I  turned back and started walking away from the tempting sea...

not even glancing back , fearing that if I glance  back , I will give in to its temptations...

I was now going to my children , to whom I  was the world...

What if I cannot complete my education ? What if I am forced to live in this way ?

My children will bring me out of my misery !

Yes , I will educate them no matter the cost I have to pay...

They are my only hope ...four pillars of my heart...I will live for them.

With new determination now shining in my  eyes , I started walking towards my destination , my home...