Suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it to someone else.I kept walking barefoot until I reached the end of the cliff.
I could feel the cool breeze touching my tear-dried face. But instead of giving me comfort , the touch of wind reminded me of the slap of his hands on my face , making tingles appear on my cheeks at those mere thoughts...The unwanted images started crawling their ways into my mind again ; like a swarm of bees attacking an innocent child.
I shook my head , grimacing , not wanting to revive the bitter memories of my married life yet again...not now...
But today was a particularly bad one...
I got married at a tender age of sixteen .The age where you start to feel your body changing , age where the world
feels extra bright with colours of friendship , dreams and crushes .Before I could even start experiencing what it feels like to be a young alive adolescent , I got married ,to Keshav.
All I had experienced in that marriage were slaps, punches , kicks and some more kicks...
With passage of time , I became used to this. As each day passed , my hope for some golden day , where he will change and we will live happily ever after became smaller and smaller .
But they say , life goes on , right ?
At my seventeen , I became the mother of my firstborn - a girl !
When she held my finger in her tiny fist for the first time , I experienced what true love feels like.
All I wanted was to protect my angel from all the evil and give her a happy life .
But this proved impossible when all I had were - an alcoholic husband , indifferent relatives and a judgemental society...
The situation didn't change when my little angel had got three more siblings in a span of six years which followed.
Now , 23 , I felt like a dead person trapped in the living body. All these years of abuse and pain made my shoulders hunched and my eyes dead.
Nobody now could tell that I was the same fifteen years old ' Yamu ' with two ponytails and smile never leaving my face always ready to go to school ; not even I myself..
I closed my eyes to contain the tears that were threatening to spill. I have had enough ! I have to do this ! I have no other choice , do I ?To end this for once and all...
To become free from this misery , once and for all, like a bird finally getting free from the clutches of its cage...
With newfound determination , I opened my eyes and looked below the cliff , looked at the black waves of the sea bouncing under the night sky , my chin quivering .Everything - the black waves , the moonless night , the dark silence around - reminded me of my life till now - utterly black , devoid of all the colours of happiness.
The waves were hitting the shore and roaring , as if challenging me to come and dual with them .
And this time , I was more than willing to let them take me , to embrace them until I couldn't feel them apart , couldn't feel anything...
With every step , I took towards the end of the cliff , numerous faces flashed in my mind - faces of my parents , looking helpless , who had married me away to get rid of atleast one of the ten mouths they had to feed , even if it meant taking loan to pay the dowry...
I chuckled , thinking , now that mouth would be shut forever.Faces of my in- laws , who were as helpful as a statue in a corner , when I was being constantly assaulted by my ever so drunk husband also flashed...making my resolve to end my life firmer.
Face of my husband , Keshav...
who never loved me ... never cared enough to let me continue my education , never cared enough to stop his liquor , even though I desperately begged him... also flashed .At last , faces of my four children , four pieces of my heart , made their way in front of my eyes ; making me stop walking further.
'What would they do without me ? '
Her eldest , Meera , was now six years old . Rajesh , her youngest , was just a year old.
'They all would be sound asleep by now... What will happen , when tomorrow they would come to know that their mother is no more ?' I wondered , film of tears now making my vision blurry.Hurriedly wiping the tears away , I again looked at the black demon of the sea , now ready to engulf me at any moment...
I stood there rooted for several long seconds.
The seconds which felt like years...
Something was holding me back.
Suddenly , I felt , what am I doing ?
I shouldn't do this ! Not to my kids !They have nobody else to go to , nobody to look upto , other than me !
I would have to live for them , yes , I would have to !
I cannot become selfish and think just for myself.'
I felt ashamed.
Yes , the pain was unbearable , the torture never ending..but if I die today , who will care for my kids ?
They will remember their mother
as someone who left them..who abandoned them when no one was with them.someone who couldn't fight for them...
Do I really want to be remembered like that ?
Wiping my remaining tears with veil of my saree , I turned back and started walking away from the tempting sea...
not even glancing back , fearing that if I glance back , I will give in to its temptations...
I was now going to my children , to whom I was the world...
What if I cannot complete my education ? What if I am forced to live in this way ?
My children will bring me out of my misery !
Yes , I will educate them no matter the cost I have to pay...
They are my only hope ...four pillars of my heart...I will live for them.
With new determination now shining in my eyes , I started walking towards my destination , my home...
YOU ARE READING
Yamuna ( Edited )
Cerita PendekWhen everything seems dark ; still search for a ray of light..who knows what future holds for you...