Breathe Again

Chapter 4

The next 2 weeks were spent unpacking and washing, labeling items Madi wanted to keep and move to wherever it was she would end up, and repacking for the upcoming trips.

She was going to be in the South, North East, Midwest and West Cost. Packing for all these different climates and situations started to seem as complicated as a year-long global expedition.

While she was going through the house with Gracie, deciding on what was being kept, left to Gracie or donated, Madi came to Sterling's closet.

"I think I'll do this one on my own. Whatever I leave in here after going through it, is for donation." With a nod, Gracie left the room.

"Okay, Madi just breathe. You can do this. You can open the door and go through his clothes." She mentally prepared herself.

As she pulled on the handle, she was instantly hit with the smell of him. Madi ran her hands across all of his clothes hanging up, then she opened the drawers and saw all his favorite t-shirts that she couldn't imagine anyone else having.

Madi grabbed her favorites of his t-shirts and a few of his dress shirts she use to wear when she would get ready for those work events Sterling would drag her to, and then she shut the door as quickly as she could, grabbed a sticky note and just wrote 'Donate' on it and put it on the outside of the closet door.

The hard part was over, now it was just the little things to finish dividing up. This was good, this was a big step in being able to breathe again.

"Okay, that seems to be everything." Madi said exiting the master bedroom.

The look on Gracie's face said it all, "Are you sure that you're okay? Because it's perfectly normal to not be okay right now. I don't want you to suppress your grief for so long that it all comes to a head at one time."

Madi could tell she was nervous about broaching this topic, and she took a second to breathe and count to ten before responding.

"I know that I haven't grieved in front of anyone, but not everyone does that. I feel like I have grieved and probably still will in my own way. Not everyone has a visible, public breakdown of tears and sobs. I know myself, and if I give in to that then there is a good chance that I won't be able to stop it. I just need to do this my way, because the honest truth is there are some days I'm barely being help together with off brand glue." Madi laughed letting her sister know that she wasn't porcelain and would be alright talking about this.

"I just don't know how, and I'm kind of jealous that you have figured out how to compartmentalize. That's usually a thing Women don't come equipped with. We are programmed to operate with 100 tabs open at a time." Gracie explained.

Madi told her how she discovered meditating and tai chi to help mourn in a healthy way, and not to let everything that reminded her of Sterling cause her to have a panic attack and lose all feeling in her body.

"Please teach me your ways sensei, because I'll be shocked if I make it to 30 without having a heart attack from stress." Gracie joked.

Madi reminded her "You know I was never one to deal with stress properly, but I highly recommend meditation. I bought some books about it and it helped explain the process and how to do it properly to be the most effective. It really was life changing as corny as that sounds. They are on the bookshelf in the living room." she pointed across the room.

"So, are you ready to face the ole stomping grounds of the Alma Mater?" Gracie asked.

"I think so, it's been 5 years since I graduated, which I still can't believe. The last time I was there I was in my cap and gown, saying goodbye to everyone and rushing off to catch a flight home. It was so surreal, and I didn't really feel like I properly said goodbye to that life so it will be nice to be back and see what has changed. My advisor has been asking for over a year for me to come back and give a demo and lead a class about life after graduation and pursuing your own business or working for big companies. I guess I just feel like I stumbled upon a lot of what I learned and feel inadequate giving advice to college kids. I mean I still feel like one, and it's just seems like the blind leading the blind." Madi said kind of dreading preparing what to even say to the students.