To Coach

The Monster

My phone rings.

It startles me.

I almost forgot about my phone.

It's the Monster calling.

I turn the radio down and look at Fish and Jamie.

"Check it." I say and nod towards my phone. I answer it and the monster growls before I even say hello.

I can't understand it. It snarls something about the bar and not to come home. "Don't be like that," I say calmly. It snarls again and hisses. It murmurs about how awful my parents are and how I shouldn't be alive. I wonder if monster knows I dream of killing myself. I open my mouth to say something along the lines of, I've already planned on it or I'm working on it. But I look over at Jamie. I could leave him. It would kill him. It would rip his heart to shreds. But he would be okay...eventually. Then I look back at Fish. I could never leave him. He's the baby. He needs me. Monster is screaming now. Monster's voice is so raspy and bitter that I can't make out everything she says. All I hear is:

growl growl hiss 30 years hiss snarl shoulda never been born growl growl growl dumb ass shoulda never growl growl hiss stupid ass mother fucker growl hiss snarl growl this son of a bitch's kids growl growl son of a fucking bitch snarl god dammit snarl growl growl shut the fuck up! snarl

I'm not even talking. Just breathing. Wait, am I even breathing? Sometimes I forget how to breath when monster is around. Or even when monster crosses my mind.

My mind races to last night. Monster was foaming at the mouth. Monster had spit drooling from each sides of it's mouth as it opened it's mouth to growl. Monster is disgusting. It's selfish. The only thing monster cares about is its great-grandson. It keeps snarling and telling me to shut the fuck up. It's like Monster actually has feelings. It's like garlic to a vampire when I speak to monster. Even if it's the smallest or calmest of words. If I'm raging or talking quietly, I get the same reaction. I said something bad about it's prized great-grandson. It's not my fault that the mother is a diseased, abusive, heroin addict.

Every word I scream, the monster snarls louder. Louder! LOUDER!

Monster comes at me with a belt. My belt! Have you ever been hit in the face with your own belt? Repeatedly? It does wonders to your pride. I got a nice scratch from the hook, right under my eye. Jamie hasn't seen it yet. Jamie wants to kill the monster more than I do. But if I kill the monster I'll be sent to prison. Monster is an endangered species, don't ya know!

In a rage, "Fuck you!" I scream. I think it startles Jamie because he jumps a little. I forgot where I was. In my mind monster was hurting me again. I hang up the phone.

Jamie instinctively let's go of my hand and opens the glove box. Pulls out a joint and hands it to me. "This ones for you, your names written all over it. " he says rubbing his hand on my knee.

"I thought we had to wait till we got to Mikey's?" I ask confused.

"Babe, we both knew that sorry bitch was gonna call. I put an extra one in the glove box, just in case she flipped shit before we made it to Mikey's." his hand slides up my pant leg.

"Not now, Jamie." I bark. Dammit. I sound like the monster. "Wait, I'm sorry. I just. Not right now, ok?" His hand slides back down to my knee. His thumb rubs back and forth on my leg. Were on the same page.

I pull my fathers zippo outta my back pocket. It's just a plain gold one, with his initials scratched into it. I light sweet Jane and we dance. I look out the window and in my reflection I can see the scratch the monster left me with. My eyes are puffy. I've been crying, again. I didn't even know it.

The monster breathes fire, don't ya know. It can burn you, but you'll be so angry, that you won't realize until afterwards. It's so sneaky, that it's almost cowardly.

Note to Coach: Animal Control comes eventually. No worries, just incase you had a heart. And to anyone else reading, this is just the beginning of monster.

Signed,

Miss Invisible