To Coach

Home Sweet Hell

I look at Jamie, his hands clenched to the steering wheel. We're half way home but I can't help but stare at him and wish the drive was longer. His eyes are focused on the road. His jaw is strong and seems more defined in the moonlight. I could just stare at him forever.

I drift.

The truck slows as we pull into the driveway. He puts it in park and pulls the keys out of the ignition.

"Window? Or front door this time? Maybe we can shock the monster to death." Jamie smirks sarcastically.

"Window. I'm not sure monster has life insurance. And I need somebody to pay the bills." I joke. Jamie has never walked through my front door. Only through my bedroom window in the dark of night, he can come inside.

He chuckles, "You could just move in with me and you wouldn't have to worry about bills. "

No more joking. It's getting serious now. The smile is wiped from my face. I take a long pause, "I'm not ready for that. You know it. It's too risky. CPS would find me and take me away so fast. "

"She kicks you out all the time, why does it matter? " he turns to look out the driver's window so I can't see his face anymore.

"Front Door. " I say bitterly as I grit my teeth.

"What?" he asks confused.

"Your front door. You can go home through your front door. " I open the car door and jump to the ground. I walk in front of the truck. And I almost wish he could see the tear rolling down my cheek. I get half way through the yard before I hear his door open.

He bolts after me, "Wait!"

I don't turn around I keep going as his hand reaches my shoulder to pull me around. "No, you wait! You wait! You wait till I'm ready. You wait till I get my life together! I have responsibilities here! I have a family here! A sick, twisted, fucked up family. And maybe it ain't nothin to you but it's all I got. This is all I have! And don't you dare for a minute talk about it like you know us. She didn't kick me out! The drugs kicked me out! She's in there! Somewhere behind all the alcohol and the pills she's there! She loves me! She loves me," I drop to my knees and the tears start rolling, "...she loves me.. she does.. she.. she.. "

Jamie drops down to pick me up. He pulls my lifeless sobbing body from the ground. "Shhhh.. Baby.. Shhh... I've got you.. I've got you.. "

"Whew!" I sniff hard and wipe my face on my sleeve. "I'm okay. I'm good. I'm good." I take a step back and I start to stumble. "Shit." I catch my balance. "I'm good."

"Window?" he asks shyly.

I sniffle and chuckle. "Yeah. Window."

Note to Coach:
You can't judge me for crying. You would cry like a little bitch if you had to deal with the shit hand I've been dealt in life. You would do exactly what I would do. You would try to find something to hold on to. Or someone.

I hold onto Jamie.

Signed,
Miss Invisible