Who Am I, Really?

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After that ordeal, I didn't go out of my room as a woman, afraid that the man would be lurking around any corner. I felt as uncomfortable as ever, though, dressing as a man, because everyone knew about my condition. I still got stares from the Walter Girls and Guys, and those stares pried their way through my lenses and into my brain. It felt as though I could read their thoughts, and they were always asking themselves what was wrong with me, and if they could somehow FIX me. I have always hoped that, hoping that I was wired wrong in some way, but, through all of the tests I have been through in my life, they have found nothing wrong. I feel the pain of it every gut-wrenching day, hoping that it will eventually all just END.

I continue walking down the hallway, avoiding all of the odd looks I get, dodging them like I always have. Eventually, I get to the place I want to be most of all. Six's room. I knock on the door, and as soon as I do, I hear the deep bellow of his voice.

"Enter." He says, and I jump back, startled by the noise. I open the door, walk in, and turn around and close the door again. "Rabbit. What a surprise. Can I help you with anything?" He asks, his voice calmer.

"Y-y-y-yes, actually, s-s-s-sir. I have come t-t-t-to ask for an u-u-u-upgrade." I ask, unsure about myself. The only thing I can do is look down at my feet, and squirm around in my place.

"An upgrade, hmmm? Whatever for?"

"Y-y-y-you know why. M-m-m-my problem?"

"No, I have to say I don't, my dear boy. What problem?"

"M-m-m-my g-g-g-gen-n-nder." I reply, my stammering increasing.

"Oh. We want to be a pretty lady now, do we?" I shake my head yes. "No." He replies.

"W-w-w-why n-n-not?"

"We don't want you to end up in the same fate, do we?"

"A-a-as who?"

"The Jon, my dear boy. You remember what happened to him, don't you?"

"H-h-h-how could I forget about h-h-him? He was m-m-my brother. B-b-but he had something different happen to h-h-h-him."

"Ah, yes, but, even though it was a power core upgrade, it still didn't end well. Now, why do you REALLY want to be a girl?" At that point, I just collapse onto the ground, crying my oily tears.

"I-I-I-I d-d-d-don't know." I say, between sniffles. "I-I-I just d-d-do. It f-f-feels...r-r-right." I start to cry louder, and Six just sits there, staring at me. Apparently my crying is so loud that you can hear it all across to the other side of the manor, because the next thing I know, The Spine is right next to me, on the floor, his hand on my back. "S-S-SPINE!" I cry, looking up from my palms. I move closer, and he looks up at Six.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM- I MEAN HER?" He screams.

"I told HIM that no, HE can't change. HE will have to stay as HE is."

"WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HER?"

"I don't want him to have the same fate as The Jon. Now, get out of my office so I can work on some IMPORTANT stuff."

"N-N-N-NO," I say back, using my newly found confidence from watching my brother argue. "If I-I-I-I am not important enough for you, then w-w-why did Pappy build me?"

"He told Three, and Three told me himself. He was in a creative SLUMP. He had nothing else to to, so he created war machines. That's all you guys are. WAR MACHINES." He says with a touch of venom in his voice. I don't know why, but that stung more than ANYTHING. More than these years of torture, more than losing Jon or Upgrade, more than Six telling me that I can never be a woman. It feels like a juicer just went into my chest and squeezed out my heart. I stand up, somewhat taken aback, and rush out of the room, shaking my head no, grabbing where my heart should be, trying to push the broken parts back together again.

I run to the place; the place I know is safe. Pappy's grave. I sit there on the log right in front of his grave, and I start to talk to the grave.

"I k-k-k-know that you can't hear me, and I am p-p-p-probably gonna look stupid t-t-talking to myself, but, i-i-is all of that t-t-true? Are we just war machines t-t-to you?" I can almost hear him talking to me, reassuring me, saying no, that we are his children and he wants the best for us, and it doesn't matter if I want to change anything about myself. "I m-m-m-miss you so much, Pappy!" I collapse onto the grave, hugging it, crying my eyes out, hoping that just like in the movies, the tears will bring back the dead. I stay there for what seems like hours, only sitting up to have some water, until I feel a hand on my shoulder. "G-g-g-go away," I say to the hand, my head still in my arms, "I d-d-don't wanna talk to anyone."

"Relax, honeybee, it's me."

"P-P-P-Paige?"

"Yes, dear?"

"C-c-c-can you sit here with me? Please?"

"Sure, but don't you think you should start to go back? I mean, it's been a few hours, honey. We've all been worried. Even Six."

"Well, I w-w-w-will come back for you and my brothers, b-b-but I don't wanna see Six. H-h-he hurt me, and made me feel like I was nothing. That I-I-I-I was just a war machine and had n-n-no feelings." I know I should go back, but, I am afraid. I am afraid of the truth. "I'm s-s-s-scared, Paige! I am afraid that... I-I-I-I just... don't know."

"Oh, Rabbit... it's normal at this stage to be afraid. Afraid of everything, especially he unknown, because you have no idea what you are going to be. Will you be man or woman? Will you be this or that? It will be an ongoing battle, forever, but I know you will persevere. You have been doing that for 118 years now, and you have been doing a wonderful job. Just know that, whenever it seems rough, or you feel like you just can't get through a day anymore, I will be here. We all will. Even the fandom. You have over 100,000 people supporting you, and all they want is for you to be happy. And, much like me, they wouldn't want it any other way. Just remember, we all love you, even the unheard voices of those surrounding you that are too shy to speak up and say what you have done for them. You have shown them what to do when they are feeling down, and what to do if they are feeling happy. You are their voice, one of the few people in the limelight that is transgender, and you speak for everyone. You are the one everyone looks up to. I know I do. You are loved by many, and you are the only one who people can really relate to. You, my dear, are perfect. Don't be scared. Be happy with who you can be. It doesn't matter who you were when you were first made. Just be yourself." The loving and caring in her eyes can make a person go wild. Whenever Paige really means something, this is how she says it.

"Y-y-y-you mean... so much to me... and... y-y-y-you saying this... has made me feel like.... I can d-d-do anything. You are what g-g-gets me up every day. Y-Y-You are the only thing, besides my brothers that keeps me going. I love you. S-S-So much." I lean in closer to her, and rest my metal head on her shoulder.

"Aww, Rabbit... I think I say this often enough, but I love you too." Her arm drapes around my back, pulls me in closer, and kisses men the cheek. "Now, c'mon, my dear, we should go and head back to Walter Manor now."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. So long... for now... Pappy..." Paige has already started to walk away, leaving me far behind. "Hey! Wait up!" I call out, hoping Paige will hear me and turn around. Instead, she just starts to walk faster, almost running. I start to run after her. I pick up speed, the grass and wind flying behind me faster than any man-made car. Laughing, I look up from the side, and I no longer see Paige. "PAIGE! WHERE A-A-ARE YOU?"

Author's note: OOOH what did I do knows? *pokes dimple*

PHOTO IS BUNNY'S NOT MINE