Your Not Replaceable

Chapter 20

Garner's POV

I was in college, not so fresh out of high school. My mom and dad went to the same college as I. MIT, a legacy. After mom passed away from breast cancer when I was fifteen, dad started drinking. Every night he went to the bar and came back wasted. He would pass out on the couch, then when he wakes up he yells at me for not cleaning the mess he made while drunk.

When I was sixteen, dad was at the bar. I had had enough of the yelling, the beatings, everything. I barged into the bar and saw dad almost immediately. He was ordering another shot. Seeing as of how many glasses are in front of him, I could assume he was drunk. I stormed to him, and when he looked up, I could see the facade that was mostly hidden from me. Puffy bloodshot eyes, it didn't suit him. 

I grabbed his arm and put it over my shoulder, I helped him walk out the bar, to the house. I can't let him go this far. I put him into bed, and he was out. I sat in the arm chair, waiting for him to get up.

He woke up eventually. Before he could get a clear word out I said "dad, we need to talk." He sighed like he knew this conversation was going to come up.

"Ain't nothing to talk about," he rose and stretched.

"You need help. You are falling in this routine where you drink, sleep, and-and discriminate." I say. "You are not only killing yourself, you are killing me. You're grieving. I know. But this is not the right way. You need to do AA. You are an alcoholic, and it is not healthy."

He starts to cry, "I'm sorry son, I didn't know that I was doing this to you.." He sniffs and straightens himself, "I will get better. Not only for you, but for Darla." He looks at the picture on the wall. Mom and dad's marriage picture. They looked happy. In love. Now dad just looks depressed.

Over the course of five years, dad starts to get better. It was rough during the first couple of years, but it only got better after I graduated and got accepted to MIT. Dad, retired, but still gardens, had just earned his 4 year sober recovery coin, and we had a house party to celebrate. 

He collapsed. He was rushed into the hospital only to be told that he had liver disease. He looked so frail under life support. 

The doctor asked me if I wanted to take him off after five months on being on life support. He looked so frail. He's dying. Should I end it for him? Or should I just suffer along with him?

The doctor said "After you find out all the things that can go wrong, your life becomes less about living and more about waiting."

I had then made my decision to end his suffering. I signed the papers while crying.

"We are going to stop all life support machines that are helping with blood pressure and heartbeat. We will continue to give medicines that help your father with pain or other discomfort. Your father will breathe room air once the breathing machine is stopped. You may see him in pain or discomfort, changes in his breathing and changes in skin and temperature."

Almost immediately he stopped breathing, and that's when my life ended. Where I felt that urge to disappear from my feelings and people. 

The doctor said: "Time of death. April 25, 2011. 11:50pm." 

"I love you dad. I knew you could do it." I squeeze his 4 year recovery coin tightly in my hand. He worked so hard to get it, and it feels like I failed him because I chose the easy way out. 

 I drove my car to the liquor store to get vodka, and tacquilla. I drunk both bottles. And started driving. I felt the effects immediately. It was my first time drinking. I remember losing grip of the wheel, pressing more onto the accelerator, and I hit a car. There was this women in the front, we locked eyes for a split second, until she crashed into a tree. I kept on going. I even saw the car go into flames.

Later on into the day, the crash was on the news. "Alerra Carter was hit with an unknown vehicle at four in the morning. Police found her dead upon arrival. Police says that it was a black range rover."

A few weeks after my drinking spurge, I kept drinking. I finally committed myself and I went to an AA meeting and there I met Karizma. But my drinking did not stop.