Guy Next Door

17

It like the sadness and regret hits me like a bullet when I step through the door that afternoon. After talking to Luna and Harper about it, it felt more real. What I did at that party was so irrational and stupid.

I want to tell myself that I don't care but, I have too much of a crush on this guy not to. 

I take off my jacket and make myself comfortable in my bed. I can't help myself but to search him up on Instagram. My heart stops when I see it. 

He has blocked me.

Jeremy blocked me on Instagram. I gasp and throw my phone away. Why? Why did I do it? In hope that he actually would like me? Pathetic.

Since when does that ever actually work? Never. How could I be so naive and ignorant? I feel so disgusting and everyone was right. Tyler and Harper's nagging was actually just the fucking truth. Here I am, I let Jeremy be one of the only two people I have had sex with because I was ignorant.

I need to get over this, need to pretend like it didn't matter at all to me. When everyone gives me a smile of pity I'm going to have to be able to stand straight.

But who am I going to talk to? Like that actually would comfort and change this nasty feeling? I don't want Tyler to know, don't want Harper or Luna to find out I how wrong I feel and also see how incredibly stupid I feel. I want to make it seem like I was reckless because I'm put together. Not because I'm falling apart.

So I put on my jacket again and run down the stairs and out. At first I was thinking of just taking a walk but instead my feet lead me to a different place. Sam's house. Should I ring the bell? No, Vivian's in there. 

Can I sneak in without Carla or Vivian seeing? Oh, god, what am I even doing?

Sam doesn't want to talk to me about Jeremy. But also he's the only one who hasn't given me the advice to not go for it at all, who can know about me breaking down without saying 'I told you so, Ilah, you stupid fucking idiot'. I open the front door softer than I've ever done. And stand in the hall, listening. The TV is on in the living room but I'm standing so that I'm not visible.

Quickly but quietly, I make my way upstairs and open the door to his room. What if he's the one watching TV downstairs and I'm the creep, randomly walking into his empty bedroom?

But when I step into his room, he's sitting there on his bed reading a book. He looks up, definitely not expecting me to be the one standing there. "What the-"

I hush and shut the door. "Hi."

"What are you doing here? Does my mom know-"

"No" I say and walk to his bed. Unsure, I sit down on the end of it. "I sneaked in."

"Why would you-" but he stops talking when I put my hands over my face. I feel him move and sit next to me.

"I'm so ashamed of myself" I say and sound more sad then I thought I would. "I'm so stupid."

And then everything turns silent, I can hear him breathing next to me but I still got my hands over my face. He sighs. "I know about you and Jeremy."

That's the last straw, what makes tears form in my eyes. I start crying and feel his hand on my back. "I'm so fucking stupid. I never should've done it, I just wanted-"

"To be reckless to seem like you were stable and unaffected by anything" he says and I look up. "You told me, remember?"

I stand up. "I shouldn't have come, you don't want to hear about me and Jeremy. I just feel stupid and literally everyone will judge me for it."