Before the Dawn (jikook/ vminkook)

2. Nightmares

As long as Taehyung could remember, he'd had nightmares. The kind that stitch themselves to the inside of your eyelids, refusing to release you, even in the light of day.

In most of those dreams, he'd find himself drowning in a tumultuous sea, with no surface in sight. Clawing for oxygen, he'd scream into deaf waters. They were too hungry to hear him. They'd swallow him alive every time.

Friday night offered no reprieve from these dreams. Taehyung awoke in a panic, twisted impossibly tight in his bedsheets. He tore at the fabric desperately, crawling out of the suffocating cocoon.

He wiped at the misting of sweat on his brow, pushing his hair back in a headband, just to get it the fuck off his skin. He paced. Chugged three glasses of water. Ended up drinking straight out of the bathroom tap. Nothing helped. His nerves still buzzed, causing friction, heat.

Taehyung found himself wandering down to his kitchen. He traced his fingertips along the cool marble countertops, doing circles around the island.

"What am I doing," he muttered under his breath. He didn't have an answer. Instead, he found himself floating down the basement steps. His mom's shoes were by the door tonight. She must've come in late, after he'd fallen asleep.

He absently wondered if she'd make breakfast in the morning.

"Not likely,"

Taehyung paced the length of his basement. Plugged his phone into the speakers, and softly dialed up the volume. Unplugged his phone after half a song. Dialed his dad's number. Thanks to the time difference, he knew he'd be awake.

One ring. Then three. After six, Taehyung was ready to hang up the phone.

"Hello?" His dad's hushed, low voice finally answered.

"It's me,"

There was a slight pause. "Taehyung, what are you doing awake?"

"I don't know... I just can't sleep," Taehyung fiddled with his headband, pulling it off his head. He ran his fingers anxiously through his hair.

"Are you ok?"

It was a more difficult question than it seemed.

"I guess. It's just those nightmares. Well, just the one. I've been having it again,"

"Do you need me to call up Dr. Lee again? I can make you an appointment, and maybe even get you in this week,"

"No, It's ok," He didn't want to have to go back there again. "I just..."

"If you don't want to see someone about it, I'm just not sure what I can do from over here," His dad answered, at the same time Taehyung said, "I just wanted to talk to you, that's all"

They both paused awkwardly, waiting for the other to speak.

"What?" His dad finally broke the silence.

"I just wanted to hear your voice,"

Taehyung could hear rustling from the other side of the line.

"I'm sorry the dreams are back, I really wish I could help,"

"It's ok,"

"Are you sure you're really ok? You don't sound it,"

"I'm ok, I promise," But Taehyung felt the slightest sting of tears creeping forwards from deep within his skull.

"Look, I've just stepped out from my meeting for a minute..." His dad hesitated. More rustling. "If you're sure you're ok, I should really go,"

Taehyung felt like he could scream. He didn't know where the wave of emotion had clawed it's way out of, but the blazing heat of it overwhelmed him. The tears spilled in two quick lines down his cheeks. Of course he wasn't fucking ok. He just wanted his dad to stay on the phone for two more seconds. Was it really such an inconvenience to him and his busy day?

You're being selfish, Taehyung thought to himself. His dad couldn't control the amount of work that was given to him, or how long his company required him to work abroad.

"Don't let me hold you up, then," Taehyung fought to keep his voice steady.

"You promise you'll be alright?"

"Yeah," What choice did he have? He had to be ok. No one let him be anything but.

"I love you,"

Taehyung swallowed the lump in his throat, wiping away the tears. He refused to cry right now.

"Love you too, Dad,"

Click.

Taehyung sat in the silence. He could hear a clock ticking somewhere in the distance. The wind careening around the side of the house. So maybe it wasn't completely silent, but it felt that way. Something about tonight felt empty. The small sounds weren't enough to fill it.

So Taehyung plugged his phone back into the speakers. He cranked up the volume as loud as he thought he could get away with, without waking his mom up. Thankfully, she slept with earplugs. He bumped it up just a touch higher. Just enough to feel it.

He began to pace, this way and that. Feet carefully obeying the beat. Taheyung's pacing turned to shuffling, then precise stepping, and he felt the pulse of the music tempt his arms to join in the odd march. He cut through the stale basement air around him with his limbs, arms stiff and strange, legs unsure of how to guide those two left feet. It might've been ugly, but this was dancing, wasn't it?

Maybe it wasn't. Enough of that.
Taehyung selected a different song. A song he actually knew a choreography for. He held his ragged breath as he waited for his cue. Then erupted into a flurry of movement.

He wasn't sure what made him do it. Not only did Taehyung dance, alone, at what must have been 4am- he recorded it. Maybe he just wanted to see if he was any good. Maybe he wanted to feel like he had someone to perform for.

Taheyung couldn't help but compare himself to the performers he'd seen only hours earlier. He didn't look like them when he danced. He had no flare. But he could follow the steps he'd learned easily enough. He still remembered all the choreo he'd had to learn in order to get into his new school. Auditions had been months ago, but his footwork was sure as ever.

Bass reverberating beneath his bare feet, Taehyung danced until the sun peaked through the basement windows. He actually felt a bit better, once his muscles were warm and the sweat was flowing. But when he watched the videos back, and actually saw the way his movements looked...

Part of him couldn't help but feel disappointed. He'd never dance like those boys. They belonged on stage. And he just didn't. That wasn't his dream anyways, so why should he care?

He didn't know why, but he did care. They just had a magnetism that he wanted so badly to possess. A charisma, a charm. Even with his skill of following choreography, there was something missing. He might as well have been a damp match.

Taehyung dragged himself into the shower, then into bed. Then his nightmares dragged him back into their depths.