lethal (b.e.)

One

Parties aren't really my thing.

It's been a growing pain in having to deal with drunk friends, too fucked up to even walk to a car. I can't stand being the only sober person in a car filled with heavily intoxicated people who can barely finish a sentence. The chaotic movements of unknown people worry me, especially since everyone's too impaired to actually use their fucking brain.

Usually, I end up having to be the one to take care of everyone, and it's getting exhausting as shit. So why do I find myself at another party?

I promised one of my close friends, Dani, I'd ignore my own feelings for once and go celebrate her birthday with her. She swore to me I wouldn't end up having to be the 'mom' of the group and I could actually enjoy myself. For once, she actually came through.

However, I soon realized that since I wasn't chugging down any type of alcohol, or getting high off any random strangers' drugs, that I'd be outcasted from all my peers. I know I can't control myself when I drink, so why would I even bother? I don't trust any of these people to actually take care of me if I get fucked up.

As I sit in a chair in the private lounge, far away from all the hectic mess that ensues in this party, I just observe everyone from below me. I really can't believe I used to enjoy all of this shit. Even though I low-key miss my old self, I know it's better if I just stay alone.

A voice snaps me out of my pessimistic ass thoughts. "Jay, why are you sitting here all alone? Come enjoy yourself." Dani says to me.

"I'm fine, I swear. I'm just having one of those days." I sigh. Believe it or not, I'm actually not this much of a downer normally. It's probably because I'm way too sober and everything seems too chaotic for me to process.

"Besides, it's your birthday and all your friends came out to see you. Why're you worrying about me?" I add.

She plops down on the sofa right beside me and puts her feet up. "Because I know how you get. You know I'm your best friend, right? I can't just let you spend the whole night alone."

"Big parties like this is just not my thing." I pause. "I can't wait for your kickback tomorrow, though. At least I'll be surrounded by people I actually fucking like." I say. "And not as many of the fake ass people here."

She smiles a little bit. "You're always worrying about other people, Jay. Just say fuck it and do what the fuck you want."

"I'm doing what I want--relaxing. Now go have fun. You deserve it more than me." When I say that, a few more people call her name, wondering where she went. "Go back to them, I'm gonna step outside and smoke real quick."

"Alright, see you later Jay." She steps back through the curtains that were barricading me from the rest of the people.

This week really hasn't been my week.

I exit that small secluded area and make my way down the stairs to the general area. The sea of people overwhelms me, showing just how well-adjusted Dani has gotten to this new life and how many people she's met. Familiar faces wave at me and shout slurred statements and I just put on my fake happy face.

When I finally get through the doors, the slightly cooler LA air hits my face and frees me from suffocating in the smell of sweaty bodies and liquor. I find a little bench to sit on and light up my blunt, still hearing the blaring, heavy beat of the music blasting in the background.

With every drag I find myself distancing from my dreary thoughts and finally relaxing for the night. There's literally no other way that I stop being the downer, pessimistic version of myself, especially in this setting. I'm an outcast in a sea of all those people back inside.