One Punch Man Fan-fic: Bone Blade (On Hold)

Chapter 6: He Who Roasts Fish

Spending time in the mountains has been great. Because so far, the biggest monster that I've seen out here is a bear and the beast actually ran away from me. In fact, if I could only get a computer and a decent internet connection, then this place would be paradise to me right now. Though even without them, I'm currently enjoying it by roasting a large fish on a nearby fire while soaking my armor-covered feet in the stream that I caught the fish in. However, given that my 'armor' is just solid pieces of exoskeleton, I can't actually feel my feet getting wet. Though the cool touch to them is nice to say the least.

"Okay, if I'm going to live in the mountains from now on, then I might as well start talking to myself like I'm another person sooner rather than later so that I can check 'Become a crazy mountain man.' off of my to-do list." I say out loud to no one in particular... Since there isn't anyone around for me to talk to... Sighing to myself, I figure that I'd better get used to solitude sooner rather than later since this is my best chance of survival. Because while running into Saitama might be a rare occurrence, there are other people in this world that I need to watch out for too like the S-Class heroes and... Well, heck, even A and B class heroes would probably be able to kill me right now. So staying in the mountains is definitely the best. Yes indeed.

"Who the heck are you?" I unexpectedly hear a deep voice behind me, though when I turn around to introduce myself to the newcomer, I'm greeted by a solid, two-meter-tall wall of some kind of grey ooze that's standing up in the shape of an oval blob that has a mouth in the center of it.

"I am Fish Roasting Man, and this is my fish." I answer while indicating to the fish and attempting to remain calm. "I must roast it, for it is my destiny."

"Oh, so a hero, hah?" The creature shouts with a tone of anger. "I don't know how you found me up here, but it's not your lucky day."

"You misunderstand. I must roast my fish." I continue to bluff while wondering how I should make my escape.

"Roast this!" The creature yells and I dodge to the side just in time for a stream of grey to shoot out of the top of the blob. And as I look to see where it's going, time seems to slow down just long enough for me to witness the goo hitting my fire before the area around the impact burst into a cloud of steam rising above a puddle of boiling monster goo.

"Eww, that's disgust- Hey, my fish! Do you know how long it took me to catch that thing in this bulky armor?!" I yell in anger before drawing a sword and pointing it at the creature. It'd taken me hours just to get one! "Those that disrespect the fish get the stick! Or- Wait, that came out wrong. I meant that those that- You know, because it was roasting on a stick so now I'm going to skewer you!"

"You're horrible at this." The monster actually stopped all agression to give me a blank look as it spoke.

"Shut up and die!" I yell again while running at him. "The fish and my empty stomach will be avenged! Wait... Well that didn't work..."

Looking down at my sword that had just cut through the monster without hurting it at all with a dejected feeling, I don't know whether to applaud my bravery or curse my stupidity for trying to cut a monster that is very clearly made out of slime. But it doesn't look like my opponent is going to wait for me to do either as I'm suddenly blasted off of my feet by a stream of high pressured goo. And if being covered in the substance isn't bad enough, as soon as I roll over, I have to get up quickly to avoid several more streams that all hit the spot where I just was.

"How is it?! How is the taste of my acid body?!" The monster laughs as everywhere that his goo hit begins to steam. Everywhere save for me, that is. And after we both wait for several moments, it turns out that I must be immune to acid or something because it isn't eating through my exoskeleton at all.

"Ha! Looks like you're not deadly at all, just disgusting!" I'm laughing at him now.

"Oh yeah?! Let' see if you're still laughing when I suffocate you with it!" The monster threatens before it begins charging at me at a surprising speed. And since I have no desire to have my face touch this stuff, I do the obvious thing in turning around and running as fast as I can which thankfully puts me just out of reach of the monster's moving body. Though after a comedy routine ensues of us running around my campsite in circles with the monster chasing me, I eventually cross the stream where I'd been soaking my feet earlier before I hear the sound of gurgling liquid that the monster had been making stop. And as I turn around to see what happened, it doesn't take me long to guess why the creature stopped chasing me since it's quivering in front of the stream nervously. However, it doesn't stay still for long as it starts to lean forward and make an arc over the water with its body until it finally flops into its normal state again on my side of the stream.

"Oh?" I ask out loud with a wide and evil grin forming underneath my helmet as I plan my revenge.

"Oh what? You've stopped running, so does that mean that you're ready to die?" The monster asks with a sinister smile of its own before it loses it as I start to walk forward. And just before I reach it, I swing my sword again, this time hitting the monster with the flat side of the blade which ends up cleaving a large section out of it which shoots off to the side and quickly dissolves in the running water.

"Ah! You jerk! Do you have any idea how long it takes for me to accumulate... that... much..." The monster starts speaking slowly as it turns back towards me with my hidden grin just as wide as ever.

"Nope." I answer simply before I begin to rapidly swing my sword at it, pretending that I'm at a batting cage as I knock more and more goo into the running water. And just like before, another chase ensues. But this time, I'm the one chasing the monster as I laugh while continuing to cut it.

"Hey, knock it off! Okay, I'm sorry for before! I won't try to kill you! Ahhh! Somebody save meee~!" The monster cries as it runs away while getting smaller and smaller with each successful hit. And even if we're nowhere near the stream anymore, it doesn't seem to be able to control any of the goo that left its body which is just perfect for me since he's already about the size of a toddler. Though after another few swings, he's the size of a baseball and I drop my sword before cupping my hands around him to prevent any further escape attempts.

"You dispicable hero! Unhand me this instant!" The tiny creature yells in a tone which sounds like he'd just inhaled helium which makes me burst out in laughter. However, while I'd expected the monster to just be ooze, there's something strangely solid in my hands before I open them to see that there was something squishy in the middle of the monster.

"Look pal! I've got friends! Big friends, and you're going to be sorry if you don't-" The monster's voice suddenly cuts out as I squish the squishy.

"Hey, don't do tha-!" Squish.

"Cut it ou-!" Squish.

"Sto-!" Squish.

"Please! That hurts!" The monster ends up crying when I finally give him a chance to speak.

"So this thing is like your brain, right?" I ask him while walking back to the stream.

"W- Wait a minute! I already apologized, so please don't- Nooo~!" The monster screams for one last time before it plunks in the water.

"Sorry, but I've seen too much of this show to trust monsters that suddenly turn good once beaten." I say before jumping back across the stream and head back to my campfire. But since the entire thing has been covered in goo, I'm left to sulk as I go upstream to find another fish for dinner. And this time, hopefully, it won't take me hours to get.