ideal ;; changlix

f̶o̶u̶r̶

waking up without minho was terrible. the reality of having only eight members hadn't quite settled upon them, and chan didn't help by constantly checking minho's door, waiting for him to come out and say good morning.

but he didn't. and he won't be. for a long time. maybe even never.

god.

the air felt like tar. it was hard to breathe, and it burned to open your eyes. for the first time since they've met, an entire day was spent in silence.

breakfast was silent. practice was silent (given the quiet whispers complaining about the choreography, or slight sniffles once minho's parts came up).

even if they were to talk, what would they say? what phrase could possibly express how they were feeling? what do you say when you feel nothing but empty?

easy answer: nothing.

××

on the second day of minho's absence, jisung was the first to speak. "why won't you guys say anything? why?"

only to be met with silence. pure, blank silence. "shit, guys? really? not a single word?"

it went without saying. not a single word.

"fine," jisung almost shouted, before marching towards his (and minho's, if he could still say that) room and slamming the door.

felix had his head hung low, and only changbin seemed to be able to hear his quiet sniffing and see him periodically wiping his eyes.

the older snaked his arm around felix's waist and pulled him close, letting felix lean into his shoulder and cry. all changbin could do to help calm him down was whisper the occasional "it's okay" and stroking his side.

although it was very little, it seemed to be working. felix's tears were slowing down, and his breathing was becoming more even. despite it being morning, the younger couldn't help but fall asleep right then and there. everything about this situation was already so exhausting, and there was no doubt in changbin's mind that he wasn't the only person in that dorm losing sleep every single night since.

maybe five minutes after felix had fallen asleep, changbin reached under the younger's knees and shoulders, lifting him up bridal style.

avoiding the eyes of the other members, he walked felix to his dorm room and laid him down on his bed. felix looked exhausted. his face was pale from not eating, and the major lack of sleep he's gotten this past week.

changbin had just turned to walk out of felix's room when he heard a quiet 'wait' come from felix's voice.

turning back around, he replied, "yeah? everything okay?"

"can you stay with me?"

and who was changbin to say no to that? he walked back over to the bed, choosing to just sit on the edge.

the two sat in a comfortable silence while changbin slowly rubbed the younger's back, slowly leading him into a much needed rest.

changbin was in awe of how pure and perfect felix looked, even in such a stressful time. he let his mind wander, exploring all of the memories he held with felix leading up to this moment, not breaking contact with the small of his back.

although he'd never admit it, changbin was never one to dismiss memories. he cherished memories dearly, and enjoyed looking back on his happiest times.

in his time, changbin has experienced happiness and solemn, confusion and rage, and every single emotion in between. he prided himself on knowing how he felt and what he wanted, but now everything seemed muddled.

how did he feel? how is he supposed to feel? what does he want? where does he want to go from here?

not a single question he asked himself had a definite answer, let alone an answer at all. his life felt jumbled. the one thing that he could always rely on, his sense of self, was becoming dulled.

being in an idol group wasn't a part of changbin's ideal life, but it happened. but could he say that with full confidence? that he didn't want to be in a group when he was making music? or was it just a detail that he hadn't considered before?

everything felt like it was up for grabs. no detail seemed to be set in stone in changbin's life. what he used to consider fact, his life plan, does it even matter? whats the point of living with only one path?

why was this happening?

××

once felix awoke from his nap, it was near dinner time. the other members decided to just let him rest during practice hours. lord knows that they all needed rest.

when felix walked into the living room, the atmosphere was expectedly sorrow. their leader laid on the couch, seeming to be in a trance looking at the ceiling. minho, jisung, and jeongin were sitting on the other couch, also sitting in pure silence.

changbin and hyunjin were assumably in their dorm, doing god knows what. seungmin and woojin were the only people in the dorm making any noise, while they made dinner for the other members.

dance practice was draining beyond belief. accomodating for a missing spot in each and every song was pouring salt into a fresh wound. each one of them would be lying if they said they didn't let a tear or two slip during practice.

although sitting apart from each other in pure silence, each member seemed to have an understanding for every other member. they were still close, yet miles apart.

with a link in the chain missing, is the chain still whole? should they leave the gap in the chain? do they link the 2 segments, forgetting the absent link?

who fucking knows.