Someone to stay

~ Throwback Thursday ~

Pov Chloe

- What do you think, white or cream? And what do you prefer for the centrepieces, a composition of flowers or a plant resting on a crystal pedestal?

For hours Jane, Jill or whatever she's called have been pestering us with the preparation of the wedding. Yes, Chicago is back two days in advance from Boston and has planned the first meeting with the wedding planner who, in his words, "is the best around". God sometimes seems more like he's the bride than I am. He is so focused on the details, organized, precise, he wants the perfect wedding.  In fact, for all of the day he was much more interested in everything that the professional showed us, rather than me. Let's also say that the essential part, and certainly also the part that excites me the most, is the tasting of the dishes and cakes.

Unfortunately, however, it's not my lucky day. Damn it. I don't know how many types of handkerchiefs she has shown us since we arrived in all colors, all shades, some I didn't even think existed. Not to mention the tablecloths, the decorations, the flowers, my God the flowers. I can't even describe how much my boyfriend has become attached to floral decorations. White roses and antique pink for the whole arch that, as I understand, it will be above our heads while the officiant will marry us. Not that I mind it, as long as it is well for him, I can only be more than quiet. It's s good that he is so taken with this kind of preparations, it seems like he were my bridesmaid for his enthusiasm, although he is my future husband. Maybe that's what makes our relationship work, we compensate ourselves.If it weren't for him, we would still be on the high tides for the marriage right now.

Let's just say I haven't been around much lately and I feel very guilty about it. I know that I should devote myself completely to the event, that is supposed to be the most important and beautiful of my life, but at the moment with all honesty, I have my head elsewhere. Today she should be discharged from the hospital and return home. I know it's only been two days since she woke up and it's too early for her to regain her full memory, but I really wish she could remember everything. It's horrible to know that you've been a key part of someone's life and feel like a perfect stranger to them. What's worse is that it's not just a feeling, but it's reality in her world. I am nothing to her except one of the Bellas she spent her college years with. I can't describe how I felt when she told Dr. Shepherd not to remember us. Me. A punch in the stomach, a torn piece of heart, and all our memories that passed in front of my eyes, memories of which there is also a chance that she can not resume. And it sucks.

I didn't go to see her after that night, I didn't make it. I know that Amy and Blake were with her most of the time and I'm pretty sure she was in good hands. I don't know how to behave when I'm with her, and it's strange because I've always known how to be with her. It's something that always came naturally, automatically, it's always been as if my body knew exactly what to do in her presence, even before my mind. And now it's not like that. It's as if what I found in front of my eyes two nights ago was not Beca, my Beca. Yes, mine, because as long as a person is under your skin, you can't help but feel it, despite everything that's gone by.

I'll be a little stupid to think so, or masochistic, who knows? But now I can't get her look out of my mind, when she asked me what my name was. She seemed tormented, curious, maybe even a little guilty. Knowing her I’m sure for a fact that she is cursing her brain to have blackouts. But it's not her fault, maybe mine. I shouldn't have made her nervous, I shouldn't have said those things to her, contradicted her. If it hadn't been for my irrepressible need to see clear in that situation, she wouldn't be in this situation right now, and neither would all of us. I know that her manager is having a lot of trouble at work, to avoid a media case being made of her, although by now everyone knows what happened to Beca. It's more the problems I've caused than the rest. I just wish nothing had ever happened. That she was fine, nothing more.