Someone to stay

~ Fight Song ~

Pov Chloe

Few times in my life I've experienced what it means to be really angry, disappointed. And this is one of them. Usually I try to see always the good of a situation, of a person, never the glass half empty, but always half full. But in exceptional cases, I just can't understand how someone can behave in a certain way, without thinking about what might result. Why did she do it? With what right? I never liked when a person gets involved in others' businesses, makes decisions for them without being required to do so. I don't know what to think, she's my best friend, my sister, how could she keep something like this from me? Why the fuck does everyone have the habit of keeping me in the dark? First Beca, now Aubrey, what the hell is wrong with them? I have lived the last two years in total ignorance of what really happened, with totally wrong beliefs, as if I had placed a different link in the chain from what it was supposed to be, unaware that there was another one to add, the right one.

And I'm so furious that I'm just now realizing it, because that one wrong link that's breaking, will only break the chain, questioning everything that has been in these years. It's as if they've put me in a bell and I'm unaware I was there, I've continued my life with all the pain, resentment and anger of a cheating that now, I no longer know if to call it so. I don't know if with that letter I would have changed my mind, I don't know what impact it would have had on me, but I would have preferred to find out for myself and at the right time, not now. God, she also had the nerve to tell me that she didn't know anything about it when I asked her. How can one lie so easily? I knew something was wrong, but I didn't imagine anything like that. She didn't have to do it. To what purpose? That fucking letter could have been the scale needle, but she took it off regardless. She stole this opportunity from me, and by now, things could have been different. How can I continue to trust her? If over the years I've been convinced that I couldn't expect anything else good from Beca and that I would have been much better off without her, now I suppose the situation is totally different.

I've tried what it's like to be betrayed, or rather, to feel betrayed. By someone you loved. And in a way, in the end, you can even come to terms with it. When you get together with someone, you think that in a hypothetical future, perhaps far away, or preferably never, that someone might find better, or get tired of you, and go into the arms of another person. These are risks that are taken into account. Perhaps the first that the brain automatically makes them jump out, pointing out all the possible insecurities that you have. And hopefully that will never happen. Or if it does, you hope that it doesn't hurt as much as you imagine. But when it comes to friendship, in that case you never think that a friend can betray you, it can be false towards you. Simply because friendship is the most sincere relationship that can exist. Or so it should be, and you have this delusional assumption that nothing bad can happen. I don't know why, but when I think of a friend, I think of a glass, me on one side and him on the other. You can look at everything, you realize what's in front of you. You know what you can expect, what you can't expect, it's all in front of your eyes. Nothing is hidden. I think that's how a friendship should be. Transparency. Seeing through. Knowing each other in everything, and accept each other for as we are.

However sometimes, the glass is not as clean as you think, or the person in front of you is good at hiding some things behind the shoulder, as children do with candy when they don't want to get caught by mom. And it is then, when you realize that in reality it is not everything what is shown, that there has always been a small detail that has escaped you, only at that moment, you realize that probably the person who has been in front of you all that time, is not the same one you thought you were looking at. And everything becomes clearer. And it hurts. Because you don't know if you were blind enough not to see or if it was the other one who could pretend so well. Anger grows, along with disappointment and confusion about how it could happen that the person you thought so close to you could behave in this way. It means that you didn't understand shit and trusted the wrong person. And that glass that separates you now becomes a wall, so that you don't see anything anymore and that there is as much distance as possible.