Someone to stay

~ It was (not) only Just A Dream (2/2) ~

Enjoy.
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Dear Chlo-

No. Too formal.

My love.

No. I think she would tear up the paper as soon as she reads these two simple words. If I had been cheated by someone I love, reading "my love" as first thing, I think it would only make me boil the blood not allowing me to go further. Although I haven't cheated on Chloe, that's what she thinks and so far I haven't been able to change her mind. So the attempt is to let her know how things are going by putting them in black and white, since she doesn't want to see me. Nor hear me, she does not answer my calls, my messages, anything. I sent her dozens of them, but it's as if she put a big red cross on me, on us, she trashed everything. She has eliminated me completely, and I still can't believe it. How did this happen? I don't know. "I wish I hadn't met you in college." Is there anything worse than feeling disowned? To feel like the best part of your life hadn't mattered? Like you didn't count for anything? As if your love is worth less than a grain of dust? I don't think there's anything worse. You are reduced to nothing, you just disappear. And I feel exactly that way, invisible. I never thought I'd be able to try something like this again, to return to being transparent, incalculable, irrelevant. And instead.

She had noticed me from the very first moment, she had seen me. For real. And there is no more joy and pain at any other time than that, when someone sees through the cracks in your barrier and discovers who you are. Joy, because finally someone didn't get scared of the height of your fortress, but peered through the cracks thinking about what was beyond the wall. And even if you don't want to admit it at first, it's what you've been waiting for a long time. Pain. Pain because you think that once you let someone into your castle, you run the risk that he is just passing through, that he does not fit within your walls and that he goes away, maybe even slamming the door, causing everything to collapse. And it'll bring you down too. However, you hope that it will not happen, you hope that your hospitality is enough. That you are enough. But sometimes love is not enough. And then you are left alone, again, with everything to rebuild. And you return to being a castle like many others, with the awareness that what made you special, what made you visible, will perhaps never come back.

I've found a bedsit in Bushwick, it's not the best, but it's the only thing that was available right away. This morning I went to get the last two boxes from the landing of my apartment, mine, no longer. Chloe wasn't there, I was sure I wouldn't find her, actually I wouldn't even know how to react if she was there. The scenes from last night are still in front of my eyes, and I don't think they will ever go away. Sometimes I think it's a hallucination and that all this has never happened, and I get a pinch on me. But it doesn't change anything. I'm still sitting at this plastic table, with a shaky leg, in this fucking room that smells of smoke and alcohol and seems like the typical place in the movies where people are killed. Very creepy. There is not even a fucking bed, just a sofa that has seen better times surely.

I can not keep my hand steady, I do not know how many sheets I have already ripped for the illegible writing. I have this continuous flicker since everything went upside down, if only just the hand was shaking. It's feeling like you're being run over by continuous, light but persistent power surges. How is it possible that we have reduced like that?

It's all so wrong.
I thought a lot about how to start, but nothing seemed appropriate to me. You know, I think starting the letters with 'dear' is just a way to get into the reader's graces, as the Latins say? Captatio benevolentiae. Don't ask me how I know it, it's one of the few things I remember about Latin class in high school. Or at least the years I've been able to attend. Yeah. That's what I want to talk to you about, about what happened to me before we met. Nothing easy, but I won't go on for long. You already know that I have lived my life completely alone, but I have never gone into detail and I regret it. I should have shared more things with you, but it hurts, it hurts to remember those moments, but now it's necessary. I will only stop at what now there is to explain, then if you want we can talk about it, I would and I really hope so.