wherefore art thou » dead poets society

lento

there never was a formal apology. of course, neil wanted to wallow in his pettiness and anger but he became consumed with such an irrefutable aching that it became apparent to him that he had grown too dependent upon the little miss. he couldn't help he feel as though their skittish little dance was something familiar to the dynamic of a moth hovering anxiously over a kerosene lamp, never straying too far yet never close enough to touch. evaline never addressed what she had said and neil never expected her to do anything more than coexist and feign ignorance to what had happened that day.

evaline aside, neil still had one very prominent issue that gnawed away at his skin like maggots at a carcass: todd. todd, inevitably, had been a pebble in neil's shoe and neil wasn't sure he could handle the painstaking silence with much more gusto. he found himself searching frantically, anxiously, nervously, for a reaction from todd. but his head would remain bowed over the lip of his book, seemingly inhaling the pages of inked writing in the rare moments where he was even present in their shared room.

but running does nothing for a tortured soul. alas, neil couldn't quite pinpoint what his source of torment was. the lack of companionship, perhaps, or was it the aching guilt that throbbed in the base of his stomach? or maybe it was both. he had very little to say these days with even fewer people to say much to. it was exam season and, understandably so, jokes and light banter began to sizzle out. friends were substituted by lousy excuses, "got an exam, mate", "maths is killin' me" but neil understood the underlying "we're not picking sides between you and todd".

"todd, can we talk?"

the boy's attention faltered from his chemistry assignment for but a heartbeat and if neil has blinked he would have missed the flicker of todd's eyes. neil straightened his back a little, sitting up against the peeling off-white plaster of the room wall. todd's silence was an endless song and neil's anxious nerves chewed away at his patience. he sat, perched like a jittery parrot, at the edge of his bed and keenly awaited todd's response.

"what is there to talk about?" todd would reply, his voice so arbor and lethargic that neil felt a nervous sweat break out on the base of his neck.

"about why you've stopped spending time with m - us. the boys. why you've been avoiding me like the damn plague."

a delicate brow arched at the accusatory tone melding into neil's false concern. a hint of a bitter sardonic smirk pulled at todd's mouth and he met neil's challenging state with an unshakable façade. his eyes, mouth, brows, nose — none betrayed his thoughts. it was a common practice for todd, really, something he had grown quite deft at back at home.

"i love her."

"excuse me?"

"neil, do you really see her? or do you just see what you want to see? she's miserable, can you tell? maybe if you looked up from your damn plays you'd see her. and honestly i don't really get it because who else ever really watches and understands? she doesn't show it — that we all know. but she did to me, neil. she did. when she plays, all the little sad gestures become a little more obvious. and now it's gone." he paused to laugh, all choked out and dripping with a dark, syrupy bitterness, "you love her, don't you?"

"... of course - "

"then good."

todd is quiet. todd is kind. todd is shy. todd is reserved. he is a meekly, young child who detaches himself from the reality of having to express and talk to others. he is soft and will always act in hidden selflessness and shy away from confrontation. but todd is not. no, in this moment todd is anything but. because todd's longing and anguish brewed over a searing flame and he no longer was able to curb his thoughts with his gentle exterior. because a dog prodded too many times will snap back, snarling with teeth bared.

but this surge of outspoken thoughts and bottled up feelings that had long expired left as rapidly as it had come. todd retreated. as did neil.

what a flurry of emotions neil felt rippling through his skin. he didn't quite know how to pinpoint or piece together what exactly he was experiencing. he didn't quite recognize the livid, molten heat simmering in todd's thick, viscous, blue eyes. he did, however, recognize that same determined, steeled stare. he had mirrored such an expression. he mirrored todd's sentiments — the same chaotic hurricane of feelings evaline's eyes did evoke.

"w-well, i'm sure we can figure something out. i mean -"

"neil," todd's resolve hardened a little more and neil felt his understanding of todd's minuscule shifts in facial expression slip away like grains of sand he so desperately tried to collect in his palms. "i appreciate it. i really do. she's happy with you. i'm not going to say anything to ruin that, you know? don't worry about fixing things for me. i can take care of myself just fine."

and like that, velvet curtains drew upon the conversation. that was all. neil didn't bring it up and he quietly accepted that perhaps surpression was the key to keeping any peace in his troubled head. and maybe perhaps love wasn't at all what he had made it out to be. evaline didn't quite say anything to him either, maybe she tried to coax it out of him with something like a slap to the face: "what's your problem?". but no matter how desperately neil tried to grasp for heart to understand her and look past her prickly word choice, he couldn't quite do so. instead, he would only regard her quietly.

his eyes traversed the slope of her clenched jaw, tread across the slight dryness icing her lips that weren't quite the color of peaches but weren't quite anything else, tiptoed past the long, fluttery lashes that seemed to stand guard to all the secrets in her onyx eyes and stopped. he wondered, how could something that appeared so gentle and soft hurt so much?