wherefore art thou » dead poets society

no. 12

so here's the thing — todd isn't a blind man. that should be more than obvious but it isn't. because as much as he'd love to be able to gouge his eyes out at the sight of the loving pair, he couldn't.

his sessions with evaline had pretty much diminished to nothing. todd watched with a hopeless, suffocating sort of silent regard as evaline soon became but a passing traveller in his life. and unbidden, his resentment directed towards his roommate and the girl with the violin was harbored and nurtured until he began avoiding the two like the plague. he was the boy who saw it all and in turn, suffered quietly at the expense of his friends' happiness.

during the very few practice sessions with evaline, he often found himself else. his mind, that is. todd would find himself somewhere between cold, abyssal stares and bruised, chewed lips. he would find himself with an evaline that was so much more different than the one that stood before his own eyes because she didn't smile like evaline did. she didn't grumble anymore, like evaline did. she didn't scowl at the rest of the world, like evaline did. instead, she was this effervescent mass of pastel colors, loving stares and todd didn't recognize her anymore.

"todd...? bar 116?"

the air was stuck in his throat, he was sure of it. he couldn't quite breathe. it was lodged in his neck somewhere, a horrible, burning lump of the words he wanted to say to evaline. all the question and remarks clumped together and now he couldn't breathe. he shot her a desperate look, as his lungs began screeching for air and his face began flushing red.

"todd?"

he could only very vaguely make out the sound of her hushed murmuring of his name but his heartbeat was louder. it was thrumming against his rib cage, threatening to leak out and spill across the floorboards. he could see it materializing before his eyes, the sticky strands of his heart strewn like confetti all over the room. and she would know. she would know his sad, sad secret that lay in splatters across the walls.

cold.

he felt cold.

her hands were terrifyingly cold.

he snapped out of his trance, dazed and eyes glazed over with a type of cloudiness and sadness that evaline knew all too well. because those were the eyes she saw when she glanced into a window or a mirror. those same miserable, hollow eyes, too dark for even starlight to peek through. a smothering, choking rawness that evaline couldn't draw herself away from. someone like her. someone who was as wrapped up in the inky night sky as she was. she was no longer an only child of the unkind universe and that revelation scared her. her knuckles grazed across his shapely cheekbones, gingerly, as if he were glass - no, as if he were paper and she was a roaring flame. and he, too, caught fire.

he loved the pain.

"eva..."

she quickly pulled her hand back and continued to stare at him. he was breathing again. his chest continued to rise and fall but his heartbeat only grew faster until all the separate beats fused into one continuous hum. and what a curious feeling that was. indescribable. and her mouth was agape, mirroring the surprise he felt coursing through his veins. it had been so long since she had looked him in the eyes like that.

his fingers moved against his own accord, wrapping around her wrist like a snake coiling around a branch and holding on in the most desperate fashion he could muster. because he knew she would slip away soon. she would, like an exhale of smoke, slide between his grasping, cold fingers and return to neil. his mouth ran dry.

"todd... i can't.."

and those words break his heart all over again.

for the next few days, todd's mouth longs for the taste of forbidden ambrosia. his interactions with anyone apart from knox became strained. especially with neil. in fact, their shared room was quite often empty. a sacred place once filled with midnight musings and shared secrets became but a desolate cell only occupied during the evening. todd would throw himself into his work, drowning in trigonometric equations and thoughts of evaline's curious, enticing stare. neil would watch with a half a heart as an unforeseeable abyss cracked open the earth between them until todd was miles away.

even when they sat in the same room, less than an arm's length away.

todd became a ghost in their lives, a face that only ever appeared at dinners and classes. he no longer played the piano for evaline, he no longer explored the library with neil, he no longer exchanged gossip with charlie. he was so isolated from the group, evaline couldn't help but feel concerned gnaw away at her twitching fingertips every time she made her way to the practice room only to be met with muted sunlight and dusty piano keys.

"knox... knox, please."

the only reaction evaline could detect was a slight pause in his writing. for a split second, really, but her hungry eyes caught it. she was starving, in fact, for any news of todd's well-being. he paused, yes, and she only continued to interrogate him for a crime he did not commit.

"knox, i'm worried."

"he's fine, eva," knox mustered, eyes transfixed by an analysis of shakespeare's works.

"you know he's not," she pleaded. at this point her voice became strained. funny, isn't it? she began to choke up and she felt something akin to hot, fat tears bead at the corners of her eyes. she was desperate.

and knox was appalled at this. only at this point did the boy realize how much this was tormenting the girl, "he needs a break, that's all."

"but from what?"

"... from you."