below the surface

unfair

"rachel, we have to talk. no, rachel, can we talk?", tj groaned. he was dreading this, but he knew it had to happen, quite frankly, so did she. it all started a couple of weeks ago.

tj had told his biggest secret, but it wasn't to the school, or his team, or his family. it was to himself. rachel, his girlfriend, was sweet. they had known eachother for years, but tj came to a realization:

i have known this girl since i was 9. she's smart, funny, and beautiful. if i can't find it in me to like her, what's wrong with me?

however, as the days had turned into weeks, and were approaching the month mark - tj knew he had to tell her. see, tj was different. he wasn't broken, or weak, or less of anything.

tj kippen was gay.

a part of tj had always known this, or at least that he wasn't straight. he had assumed it was because he could never decide whether he wanted to be the boys at school, or be with the boys at school. he had brushed them off for years as sprouting interests, and repressed them. now, he knew he had to say something. it was unfair for him to be straight tj, and for rachel to sit, unknowingly, beside him.

he had planned it all out; she would come over, they'd have some snacks, and tj would bring it up casually. it seemed like the easiest way to tell the girl who was head over heels for him that he wasn't interested in her now, nor would he ever be.

it was now about 3:00, and rachel planned on being there by 3:30 or so. tj paced back and forth in front of his mirror. this wasn't something normal kids went through, the other boys didn't have to worry about this. there is no one at grant who would understand, especially my friends.

tj was drawn immediately out of his thoughts, sending him to the front door. as he grasped the handle, he paused. this was it. pnce she knew, his secret wasn't safe anymore. he trusted rachel with just about anything, including this. coming out wasn't a regular secret, though. once you come out, you create a new future, but most importantly, a new past. things start to align, memories rush back that motion to this outcome. once tj turned the handle of his bedroom door, he had to turn the knob on the front door, but it was in that moment, he had to unlock his safe. he turned the handle, breathing deeply. the windows beside the fron door illuminated the main hallway, grazing over him with warmth.

he opened the front door to a smiling rachel.

"hey, teej!", she yelled, hugging him.

"rachel.", he smiled, trying not to have a panic attack. all he could do was convince himself that it would all be okay. everything would work itself out.

he grabbed her hand, walking to the couch. "what do you wanna watch?", he asked, politely. rachel grabbed the remote, scrolling through movies, then putting the remote down without choosing. she turned to face tj, getting on top of his lap, gazing into his eyes. she leaned in for a kiss, meeting his lips. tj didn't kiss back, the moent she pulled away, he turned his head.

"rach, can we talk?", he asked. tj wanted to leave time before telling her this. but if he was going to keep things innocent, and wanted - he couldn't wait any longer.

"fine.", she sighed. she was annoyed. why didn't her boyfriend of almost a year want to touch her? why was it all so one sided?

"i have something important to say,", tj echaled, "rachel, i'm gay."

her face was not one of understanding, or realization, but one of anger. there was no pride if she couldn't have tj kippen. did she want him anymore? the answer was yes. she didn't care if tj wanted her or not, he wasn't leaving. he was the captain of the basketball team, and she was the head cheerleader. he couldn't just be gay.

"tj, you're my boyfriend.", she said theough gritted teeth, clenching her fists.

"i know, that's why i wanted to tell you, i didn't think it was fair to make you-", he started. being interrupted when rachel grabbed his hoodie and pulled him forward. this wasn't the rachel he knew. his best friend who happened to become his girlfriend, but whose affection he had never truly reciprocated.

"you're right. it isn't fair, and that's why we aren't breaking up. i won't tell the world that the tj kippen is a fag. but you can't leave me.", she told him. she was angry, but she wasn't going to let him abandon her and taint her own reputation.

tj gulped, nodding. "i think you should go.", he mumbled, fighting the tears in his eyes.

"fine, but i meant what i said, the day you get bold is the day the world gets to know tj, the real tj.", she said getting up and walking to the door. she slid on her shoes, heading out without a sound.

tj broke down into sobs, if she didn't accept him, who would? this wasn't how he wanted this to go. he wanted to leave on good terms, he wanted to be her bestest of best friends. now, all he wanted was to be straight.

all he had to do was stay with rachel.