BROKEN ROAD - One Man's Journey

CHAPTER FOUR - Realizations

  The next week dragged by even with as full as it was. He had driven to the farm in a foul mood. Sleep had eluded him. Nightmares had awoken him of things that would never leave him. Soaked in perspiration. Soaked in tears. He had gotten up to shower in an attempt to clear his head but that was futile. You cannot wash away that which has been tattooed upon your soul. It wasn't the nightmares so much though. He had been having them on and off for the past four years. No one walks away from war unscathed. He had learned to deal with them pushing them down as far as he could until they were only gnawing echoes and until they reared their ugliness again. He tossed and turned the rest of the night thinking of her. Thinking about her last words and what they meant. Thinking about the way she had affected him and hoping that somehow he had affected her too. That was the real reason for his sour attitude. He was Ben McAdams and no one got that close. Ever. It had been a lapse in an otherwise solid interior. He needed no one. He wanted no one. He could not let anyone else in like that again as he did Wanda. His life was not his own and he would not complicate it any more than it already was. He wouldn't even be at the farm if it wasn't Gram's eighty third birthday party but he would not miss it for anything. He had missed too many. It did not escape him that there would not be many birthdays left. He was here. He would suck up the turmoil within him and no one would be the wiser.

Wednesday dawned sunny and warm as it filtered through the sheer white curtains of her bedroom but she was chilled and pulled the comforter closer to her. It, like the expensive sheets, were gifts from her daughters. She lie there listening to the birds chirping outside her window. The squirrels were chattering and scampering about to collect their nuts and berries from the trees that lined the fence out back. She kicked off the covers. Why was she now hot? Oh no. It couldn't be. She had hoped to get through another year without it returning. She did not want to get up. Her head began to pound. Her body ached. Lucky for her she did not have to, however, since going on medical retirement seven years ago. Time was pretty much all she had. She lived on a fixed income which she was frugal with in order to pay the mortgage and bills. Despite being poor she had a good, no, a great life. Her children loved her. They spoiled her to no end and made sure she did not go without the little extras that she could no longer afford on her own. She had food, shelter, all of the necessities. What more could she ask for and she didn't. She felt her life was blessed. Others had it far worse than she. She lived every day grateful to be here. Grateful that she had a loving God who had brought her through so much and still watched over her.

It was not always like that. She was once a very different person but because of the Grace and Mercy He showed her she would never be that person again. She lived her life by his will. There was no other way for her. She had been asked several years ago when it became clear she no longer resembled her former self if she had found God or something. It hadn't worked like that. She had found Him ten or twenty times by then. Her reply had caused them to consider her words for years to come. "No, this time God found me." She left behind the anger. Left behind all confrontations. Left behind the bitterness that had held her for so long. She, even in her transformation, left behind the life she had loved and once wanted before it completely destroyed her. It had not been easy. Once you feel you are nothing, you become nothing. To have to choose between yourself and all you thought you wanted was debilitating. It had taken her years to climb, no crawl her way back up through an ocean of tears that threatened to drown her with each new wave and all of it was her fault alone. No one besides taking your life can do anything to it that you do not allow. She stopped blaming him eons ago. She took full responsibility for where she ended up and why. There are two sides to every story and she was not a victim.