i wish i could cry and i wish i could get drunk and i wish that i would feel happy without any of that...
or that i would finally feel whole.
because to be honest im not feeling whole for a while now.
there's part of me thats missing and i cant seem to fucking find it.....
or at least figure out what it is.
all these people love me and i love them all and all these people dont care and i still love them and maybe i deserve not caring and maybe im unworthy of love but goddammit i need it because i need to hold on to something.
that love is currently the only thing thats making me float while this shitty life keeps dragging me underwater.
my lungs are full, i am coughing, i am drwoning but still i seem to survive somehow and im lucky but how long will i keep being lucky?
so many black cats crossed my road, so many mirrors cracked under my fingertips but im still alive.
and i wont go away but i will never be truly here no matter how many shooting stars i see or how many candles i blow out wishing for otherwise.
i need to feel whole again but it keeps not happening over and over again and just when the moment is right and just when i feel fine it all crashes and burns and
fire is too hot,
flames are too strong and now
smoke is in my lungs too.
fire and water shouldnt interact but here i am
drowning and burning and watching everything im trying to build crumble under small things that shouldnt matter but for some reason do.
they do and im tired of it and im sick of it and
how much more water i can take till i drown and
how much more smoke until i choke and
fire until i burn and
broken promises and
empty words and
i love yous that i will never be able to deserve
till i realize that its all for nothing and i am nothing but
something is interrupting my nothingness and it wont let me not exsist in peace.
because im not nothing.
and i do exsist.
and maybe i dont deserve all the love but its here and i will try to make my life not miserable but worth living.
i will try with every damn part of my being to make myself worth loving even though i may never be whole.
