Undress. We need to talk (Otayuri AU)

Chapter 7: Answers

And so it happened. The two of them, finally home, without a fight, only the pure raw desire to be in each other's arms. The night escalated pleasantly so, the two men ending up passionately making love, as if the two of them never felt the warmth of each other, as if it was their first time, as it was their only way of survival. And in some way, it was. Yuri knew very well that, without Otabek's love, he might never trust anyone again. He knew that Otabek is the first and only person that he has ever trusted with his heart, and that had importance to him and that had gravity to him, and it would've taken his heart away from him. And as someone said once, is a man truly a man if he doesn't have a heart? He knew his future would go down the drain if it were for his heart to be broken. It was so much more fragile than anyone ever imagined. No one even in their wildest dreams could even begin to imagine that Yuri Plisetsky, the infamous Russian tiger, so fierce and so short tempered, could actually get knocked down by a heartbreak. But he is only human after all, how was he supposed to ignore his own feelings, push them away just for the sake of his work and just plain live a lie? If he thought about it, he could lose himself without him. As for Otabek... He loved Yuri. He really did. He tried his hardest to prove himself, he had no idea how on earth he could ever make it up for his own actions. In his eyes, not even he could forgive himself, let alone Yuri, the person that got hurt in the process, but who he cherished the most on this earth. He couldn't even remember what he saw in Mila to make him feel so attracted to her... Yes, she was a very attractive young woman... Any man could confirm... Maybe it was her seductive walk... Maybe it was her pitiful, helpless eyes... Maybe it was her constant loneliness that made him feel sorry for her... But it was clear that this wasn't a way to help her. On the contrary. This hurt her in ways that maybe she could never recover from. And he knew that. He knew that all too well. But he was at least the slightest bit at peace for his own lover, his most precious thing in the whole wide world... The person he has loved for years... He was still there... He was right there, underneath him, making passionate love to him, sending shivers down his spine and butterflies flying frantically in his stomach, just like that night on the boulevard when he said yes. That night when the two of them confessed, that night when everything blew out of proportion. It felt like nothing changed at all. Just how they started their sexual life together, that was the only thing that changed. And in some way, he didn't complain much. Because sex with the Russian punk was just as amazing as he always imagined it would be. And as good as it was, he was living for that moment afterwards when he'd get to hold him close, the way he always wished to, the way he always imagined he will one day. Their heartbeats going off as one, and just synchronising with each other, it was calming... Relaxing... Felt like for once, the storms have ended... And who knows, maybe that was the case... Maybe they were finally meant to live their peaceful life together, maybe it was a sign that they were, indeed, destined for each other, maybe it was a way for the universe to let them know that whatever happens, they shall forever have each other. As thoughts flew through the Kazakh's head, he finally slipped into a slumber, closing his eyes slowly as he looked at the golden hair tickling his face as he snuggled closer to the Russian boy.
As time flew past them like a light breeze of the summer air, the clock ticking and the moon shining through the transparent curtains, illuminating the room in its light, nothing really disturbed the Kazakh's sleep... Until he opened his eyes for a second and found nobody next to him... Where was his lover, it was the middle of the night...? Where could he have gone...? Otabek got out of bed and cautiously started walking down the stairs, his footsteps muffled by the fluffy carpet. He finally arrived to the kitchen where he found the Russian beauty, dressed in one of his white button up shirts, filling a kettle to boil water, and next to the sink there was a pack of herbal tea and some sugar. As he was working on his tea, Yuri was softly humming a tune, so peaceful and his voice so nicely polished and so beautifully singing, you could barely tell it was the infamous Russian tiger singing this. Otabek was mesmerised, even hypnotised by the blond... What a treasure he had home and he couldn't even appreciate him the way he truly deserves... He shook his head lightly to wake himself up from his state of admiration towards his own lover and cleared his voice to catch Yuri's attention. "Yura, why are you up...? Its still dark outside..." he said and the blond turned his head to face him, a sad smile spreading on his face. He was bothered... He was clearly bothered... But what was it on his mind that he felt the need to wake up at 2 a.m., what is keeping him awake at this hour and what is it that he is keeping for himself...? Otabek knew he made this mistake before... Letting Yuri fight on his own, letting Yuri question himself, letting Yuri think he is so much less to him than what he actually was... And one thing was for sure... Never again... He will never do this mistake ever again... He looked at his boyfriend expectedly and he smiled, once again, a smile with a tint of sadness in it "I just couldn't sleep..." he said and Otabek smiled warmly before saying "Well I'm not much of a sleeper anyway. I'd love to hear all about it." Yuri was surprised, to say the least. He flinched for a second upon hearing the words, knowing that hasn't happened for quite a while... He sat for a second, considering his lover's offer... Was there any point in all this...? Was he looking for answers as well...? Could he not sleep without him there...? He couldn't really decline, though... It really has been a while since Otabek and Yuri had late night conversations... Ever since Otabek got distant and cold, Yuri couldn't even get him to talk during the day, let alone during the night... So this was truly a surprise for him... He nodded softly before saying "Gimme a second to finish this tea, I'll be right there with you."
And so Otabek went in the living room, waiting patiently for Yuri on the couch, the beautiful blond coming back to him with two cups of hot, herbal tea, the smell relaxing... Refreshing... And the steam coming from the cups warming their faces, both of the two bodies covered each in a blanket for comfort and warmth. Yuri sat down next to Otabek, handing him a green cup saying a soft  "Here ya go.". He sat with him in silence for a minute, letting out this soft sigh, yet they sigh clearly carrying so much more weight than the Russian wished to let on. He looked over with a rather serious expression on towards the Kazakh and said with the same heavy heart "So why did you do it...?". Otabek was startled, of course... This is still keeping him up at night, doesn't it...? Oh god if he could fix his mistakes... But Yuri was right, it was a question that needed to be be answered... Sooner or later... And Yuri had the right to know... And do Otabek looked away, and back at his cup before sighing, himself. "Yura..." he said, closing his eyes. "Oh no. I won't get mad. I just... Want answers..." the Russian fairy said before the hero of Kazakhstan closed his eyes to gather his thoughts... "Fair enough..." Here goes nothing, the Kazakh thought. "I... I don't know... To be completely honest... I love you... Always have and always will... But I guess... You always being in training, you always saying you can't see me that night, you always telling me there are other things that require your attention... Its selfish and I know I'm a grown-ass man who should know better, it doesn't excuse what I did... But I felt as if you were getting distant... As if I didn't really count much, and so it was this void inside that needed to be filled... And Mila was so helpless... So blind and naive, so desperate to have me, it... It felt good... I felt desired... She wasn't the one I wished would desire me, but she wanted me and... I don't know if remember how it feels to be wanted... But it is such a damn good feeling sometimes... And that made me go past the fact that I didn't feel shit for her or that I didn't feel attracted to her... I just wanted to remember how it feels to be wanted, but it was really no good, considering that it doesn't really matter who wants you as long as its not that person that you've been loving for as long as you can remember... " He placed his mug down, letting our another sigh. "This is no excuse for the things I did, I know. Nothing can excuse or explain what I did to you... But you wished an honest response... And, you know... While she was underneath me... Everytime... And I mean every... God... Damn... Time... I'd see you... And I'd imagine you underneath me... And that's how it worked, she was no replacement for you, and I'd ask myself every single day why the fuck am I doing this, knowing very well its not even her I'm having sex with... Its just someone that wanted me, playing the part of the one I wanted..." he let out a soft snort at the memory of everything... It all feels like a bad dream... "I was often worried I might moan your name instead of hers and get my ass kicked. It's actually funny, imagining you under me was the only way I'd actually cum." he let out another soft laugh, amused of how selfish and hypocritical he must've sounded. He then looked at Yuri with a sadness he hasn't shown in a while in his eyes, feeling tears forming into his eyes. When the hell was the last time he cried...? "I'm a piece of human garbage, Yura... I fucked up... Big time... And I have hated myself every single day for it... And the worst part is... I let my anger I felt towards myself reflect on you... You deserve so much better and God knows why the hell you've taken me back... I know I don't deserve it, I know that... And even know I'm being a selfish bastard and coming back to you when it's clear that I don't deserve you... But still... I want to know... Why...? Why the hell... After everything I've done... You've come back to me...?" Yuri, who was letting his tears silently fall midthrough his words, got closer, whipping the tears rolling down his lover's face, as if what he just said wasn't the whole story and reasoning about how he broke his heart and cheated on him. "Because I love you... You've hurt me, Otabek... And it hurt like a bitch... But you're the only love I've ever known... And unfortunately for me, my love is stronger than my pride and my ego...."
The Kazakh let out a gasp upon feeling that soft touch... God how he missed moments like these when the two of them would just talk in the middle of the night about whatever burden the other's heart was bearing. That touch only made the tears run down faster, getting his heart aching at the thought of how he heard the most precious human being in his life his treasure, his everything... He broke him... And he finally got out all of the guilt that was haunting him all along. "I'm so sorry... I'm so so so so sorry... I love you... I love you so much Yura..." The Kazakh said over and over again through tears... What was he supposed to do, he knew he couldn't change the past, but he also knew that his feelings from years ago didn't change one bit... Not at all... And would never change... He just wished he had more inner strength... He was weak... And he couldn't handle the thought of this man leaving him, as much as she wished to let go, to make up for his mistakes and let him find someone who treated him better... He wished he could be that person but he already fucked his chance up... So right now all he was relying on was Yuri's forgiveness... And he could still not explain himself how in the name of heaven did Yuri find it in his heart to forgive him... But he wasn't complaining... For if it wasn't for his forgiveness, he wouldn't be in his arms right now, cuddling and crying together, feeling for each other just as much as they used to feel years ago, on that cold night on a boulevard in St. Petersburg.