Reflections

Chapter 2

It was cold here, very cold. All I could do was grit my teeth as I stumbled through forceful winds. White blankets of snow covered everything as far as the eye could see. White ground, white trees, white distance, white everything.

I tightened my hand on the shawl wrapped around me. Not even the long sleeved garment I wore underneath could keep the bitter cold out. I shivered from head to toe. But I wasn't the only one having trouble either.

In the corner of my eye, I watched as John trudged through the snow beside me. Despite his tall, strong appearance, it seemed that the cold winds were also taking a toll on his body. But that wasn't it either. His face looked pained, though I knew it wasn't the cold.

We continued to trek through the cold and wind. Neither of us said a word. What was there to say? It was too cold to waste our breath on speaking, even if both of us had a million things dancing on our minds.

We were just walking, walking, walking, walking...

Until suddenly...

I looked up and I saw something that wasn't white. Through my squinted eyes I could barely make out a rough-looking, mounded shape. Although most of it was covered in thick blankets of white, I could tell it wasn't just another large pile of snow. I shot a glance over at John and could see him looking over at the cave as well. Good. I didn't want to waste my time telling him.

We shuffled our half frozen bodies into the cave. Relief washed over me, even though I still felt bitterly cold.

I sat down and looked up at John. He didn't sit down and instead crossed his arm and looked away. I couldn't see his face, but I could tell that his pained expression was still there. I felt a quick pang of sympathy and looked down at my lap.

It hurt, it really did, but I didn't want to dwell on it. What happened happened. He should've known that sacrifices were inevitable. And if I had to be honest, his bad mood was starting to bring me down. I couldn't focus if he was going to be like this.

And if I had to be honest, I also did pity him.

I traced my fingers absentmindedly on the rocky floor. I wracked my brain for kind, sweet words to say. But for some reason, it was harder this time. Instead I doubt them. I worry and wonder about how he'd react to them.

I didn't want to make him feel worse.

"Hey." I decided to say something simple, a greeting.

John turned his head slightly towards me, but still turned away. I frowned.

"John."

He continued to say nothing. I felt a bubble of anger threaten to pop in my chest. A part of me wanted to scream at him, to ask him angrily why he refused to speak to me. But I knew why. I knew why and getting angry at him would only make things worse. No, I had to be patient. Deep breaths.

"Please talk to me John. I know that you're upset about...about what happened. What happened to Tommy wasn't your fault." I said.

"If you continue to take the blame, you'll only bring yourself down more. You have to goal to accomplish, don't you?"

Just then, John whipped his head around to face me. His eyebrows were drawn tightly together and his lip quivered. It was strange to see him look that way. He almost looked as if he were about to burst into tears.

"But it isn't so simple! If only I could've done something more. Maybe then he...!"

John opened, then closed his mouth. He looked like he wanted to say something more, but held himself back before doing so. Even now he still didn't want to say it.

"Tommy let himself die to save us. We would've been done for if not for his sacrifice." I said flatly.

John reached up to grab at his hair and pulled on it tightly in what I could only assume was frustration.

"How could you say that so calmly? You saw what happened back there. It was horrific!"

"Yes, it was. But I know that crying and yelling isn't going to help our situation. Do you think that Tommy would've wanted us to be wailing over his death like this?"

John glared at me, then shook his head.

"I just don't get it. How could you act so calm? It's like you don't even care."

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"What do you mean? Just because I'm not an emotional mess like you doesn't mean I don't care."

John doesn't say a word after that. He turned around and stomped over to the other side of the cave. He plopped himself down on the ground and turned away from me.

Well, I suppose that I really am getting worse at this.

I stared down at my shaking hands. I brought my fingers up to my mouth and bit down on my thumbnail. I don't even think about it, I just did it. I felt frustrated. Why was he so difficult? Why was it so hard to manage him? Why couldn't he just listen to me? Why?!

My eyes blur. I know I'm crying but I don't know why. I removed my thumb from my mouth, then opened it to say something. But before I could even utter a single word...

"CUT!"