A Sinful Night

IN MOTION; LET ME GO

Ｌｉｓａ'ｓ　ＰＯＶ　ポ遠じ

I choose the most perfect memory of my father and cling to it. No matter how terrifying my childhood has overwhelmed, presents me. I choose it because at that moment he was the person he should have been, would have been, had it not been for the stress of life.

In that snapshot, his unwrapped personality was something so golden and sacred I want to keep it forever. Like an old movie reel, I can play it at will, 1979, on the back lawn of our old house.

He's laughing, relaxed after mowing the lawn. He asks me if I want an airplane ride and of course I do, what four-year-old doesn't?

In moments he has my right wrist and ankle. He spins like a shot-putter, but he never let's go. He hated the idea of simply letting go.

He would keep me by his side until we keep our laughs on the peek. A mountain rolled up against a high classic house, that we did redeem under the stars.

We would return home. The garden turns into a green blur, all my smiles shredded into a pocket of innocence. I'm flying- flying until he can spin no more.

The memory has no smells or weather, other than a lack of rain.

The garden is in fine detail: the crab apple tree, the rhododendron bush, the weeds in the flower beds. But the finest detail is his face, creased with love and my joy- not only for the ride but for being with him, for being with my Dad.

For him being my protector.

But, what did he choose to do when all I wanted was for him to be here for me when I was in the motion - on the level of growing up?

I wanted him to see me be the woman of success, the girl who would happily carry on with the legacy of the family.

But, money and his insane projects kept him from being here. He chose the dollars, and the papers. Signed up and collected like a secret mission for a Russian agent.

So selfish, was what he chose.

He has suspected my presence in every business deal. No happy wishes craved me when he would start to mess around with his clients. Raped? I would've guessed he would do what he want. But for him to reach that part, is the thing that is keeping me awake at night.

And here, I grew up to be the child he fucked up. The child he messed up and became the monster everyone saw. Blame the privileged life he cruised through. He chose it for me.

I smashed the cigarette under my black boots before pushing the doors of the club open.

My eyes invoking every human being meeting my dark body movements. It was a rustle of long-gone tears. The small movement and click of my agony deprived them of meeting the rest of me. All eyes, sinking against my body as I awaken my demons with a huff.

"I see you're here". Jisoo, the owner's voice enchanted my presence.

I nodded not meeting her gaze. From my side vision. I could see her smile crimson.

"Looking for Ruby?". I nodded again but met her gaze.

Her smile not fading away as she looked at the click board in hand. "Well, lucky you. She's performing tonight. Now lay back, and enjoy the show". She grinned and moved away.