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i'm torn, i'm in pain, i'm mourning, i'm grieving, i'm devastated, i'm lying to and gaslighting myself. most terrifyingly, i am feeling again. even if it's just a small fraction of the emotions i could feel before i changed, it's blood-curdling, it's terrifying. if only you were here, because this loneliness isn't soothing me any longer. i'm miserable, and i don't know for how much longer i can manipulate myself. let me lay my head on your chest as salty tears cascade down my cheeks. let me listen to the steady rhythm of your heart as it drums against my ear. let me flutter my eyes close as you run your fingertips along my back. let me wet your shirt as i let go of years worth of buildup. let me exhale this breath that i've been holding as you play with my hair. let me wail, whimper and murmur desperate cries into you. let me scream that it will never be okay, and don't tell me it will be. don't try to fix me, tell me we'll be fucked up together. confirm my thoughts, tell me it will indeed not be okay, but that you'll be here for as long as the misery lasts. let me lose myself to you, because heaven knows i will lose myself to fatal self-destruction if you don't let me.
[l.b.] 2:22 a.m. p.s. 1) this is shit. 2) i feel like shit. 3) i like angel numbers. 4) please stop asking me if i'm okay.
