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don't fall asleep. it'll consume you. don't stay awake either, it'll eat you alive. i don't know what i am supposed to do. i can't keep my eyes open, staring at the ceiling thinking about my misery. i can't close my eyes, as exhaustion will throw a veil over me and swallow me whole. the second i do, the terror begins. every single person that has contributed to my traumas, is still here, every night. i see her, laughing like a witch while dragging me and embarassing me in front of everyone. i run away, i run run run, i scream and cry and yell that i have graduated and theology is no longer my major. nobody's paying attention. i should not be treated like this! but they laugh and tell me i have to start over again. all those years, again. all those people, again. again again again. i don't think i will survive this. i see him, his filthy hands trying to touch me. i run run run, but for some reason my legs won't work. he's recording me, there's a hand through every window and every gap. i'm not safe in my own house. my body feels filthy and like it does not belong to me anymore. i want to peel of my skin, rub every inch of myself in bleach and burn the disgust away. i look at my fingers, there's always 6 on my right hand. realization dawns on me. i become lucid. it's a night terror, i'm dreaming. i close my eyes and force myself to wake up. i am in my room, i think, but then it happens all over again. i can't wake up, even when being aware. it lasts for hours and hours until i'm bathing in cold sweat and wake up feeling exhaustion in every limb. the day isn't enough to recover, the night isn't enough to rest. yet somehow, i would chose sleeping and going through night terrors over being alive and awake. that's really sad.
