Cam is running. He's been running for what seems like hours, years, centuries, and he can't seem to stop. Even when his lungs are burning and his feet are sore, even when the wind becomes so cold it cuts into his face, he can't seem to stop running.
Running is something that comes naturally to Cam, like an improvised tune on the saxophone. Music has always been his release, where he pours all of his love and feelings, but running? The sweat, the pain, the breathlessness is cathartic. When music doesn't cut it, he goes outside and he runs, sometimes just around the block, other times for what feels like days.
After what he just did, Cam won't stop running for the next century to escape the guilt and the shame and the fear that he feels when he thinks of a specific boy.
He runs and the sun follows him, passing over his head and inching towards its bed made of hills. He runs and he passes cars, bikes, people, trees, houses, everything until his feet dig into the sand. Even then, he doesn't stop, and it isn't until his feet hit the waves with a splash that he skids to a stop. The stop is such a shock to his body that he almost face-plants, and then almost crumples from the vivacity in him that yearns to keep going.
He backs away from the water, reaching the dry spot closest to the waves and sits down. The beach is a couple miles away from their town so he must have run for quite a while. He doesn't relish in the warmth or the beauty of the water: Californian beaches remain the most depressing beaches in the world. Not in Southern California of course, but Northern? Those beaches are nothing but ugly and grey. And depressing.
Cam hates himself. He always has, and he yearns for the validation that others give him, through compliments, shallow friendships or hookups. The best validation, though, the one that keeps him from going to a dark place, is Elias. Just his presence, at Cam's side, is enough to heal his soul, on little stitch at a time.
Elias is right: Cam is a terrible person. He's fully conscient of the pain he inflicts when he casts girls away, because he needs the connection and he can't help himself.
That's maybe why he's such a gifted musician. Elias's idol, Art Blakey, had once said, "Music washes away the dust of everyday life." Cam knew this because of a small poster in Elias's room that said so, but it had truly resonated with him at the time. When he plays the saxophone, it all goes away, all the self doubt, all the self hate, all the love he has for people who don't deserve it, such as his absent father, or who he doesn't deserve, like Elias. Music carries the essence of life and when Cam plays, his life essence is carried away. He gives it everything he's got, until he hears the music he plays in his dreams. Until the music takes over his whole world, because he can't bear the silence of his own thoughts.
He laid a hand on Elias so he's officially a piece of shit. The sea gets awfully close to his slightly damp feet and all he can think is that he's becoming his father. Tobias Schaffer, a certified piece of shit who had hurt his mother for years, had clearly passed on some not-so-desirable genes. It wasn't physical violence, until the last time they ever fought which made his mother file for a divorce and a restraining order, but a brutal mental violence in which, as his mother described it to him when he got old enough, her entire being felt like it was being used, again and again, until there was nothing left of her. From being guilted into having a child ("The only good thing he ever manipulated me into doing," she would always say, fondness for her only son on her face) to being tricked into paying for his gambling debts, his mother had taken it all because she believed that every child deserves a father. But the second he laid hands on her, she dropped him because despite the twisted love she had for him, she still had enough pride, self respect and sense to take her beloved son away from a violent man.
"I'm so glad you didn't inherit anything from your father, except his cute little freckles," his mother told him once. Cam had felt uncomfortable that he had inherited anything at all, but his mother had just shrugged it off, "He was beautiful, that man. A piece of shit, but a beautiful one." She would always get a forlorn look in her eyes when she would speak of him, an indication that no matter how much time passed, she couldn't let go of their history. "If you had to inherit anything at all, it should be his beauty. On the inside, you're nothing like him," she would say, squeezing his hand. "You're a good person."
The voice of his mother brings tears to his eyes. So he sits on the sand, the tide slowly rising and wetting his shoes, then his pants, while his tears slowly wet his jacket and his shirt. Cam's tears are like the water of a Californian beach: bitingly cold, until your fingers and your toes and your very soul welcomes the inevitable frostbite from hours of playing in the waves.
The sound of the waves is like music to his ears, slowly cleansing the darkness that holds him down.
It isn't until his phone rings that he realizes that the sun is almost gone and that his pants are embarrassingly wet. Luckily, his phone is in a pretty high pocket in his jacket and hasn't been touched by water, so without looking at the caller ID, he answers, fully expecting one of those spam calls in Chinese.
"Hello?" he answers dully, his voice barely coming out as his body starts to show symptoms of a cold.
"Cam? Where are you? Your mom wants to call the police because she thinks you've been kidnapped!" Cam's whole body freezes at Elias's voice, who bears no resentment in his voice, only alarm for his friend who has disappeared. That's why he hangs up without answering, after a couple seconds of silence, because he doesn't deserve someone who accepts and forgives the pain he inflicts. He can't be like his father.
So he gets up, attempting to dust the wet sand off of his pants with no avail and starts walking home dripping water. He shoots his mother a quick text, Don't worry, I'm alive, see you in a bit, and starts humming an improvised tune.
He makes it a couple blocks before a car pulls up next to him, the tires screeching to a stop. Cam jumps in surprise and immediately starts walking faster, thinking that he's about to get jumped, but then the window of the car rolls down and he's staring into the eyes of Elias.
He just stands there and the two of them stare at each other in silence. An apology is on the tip of Cam's tongue but it remains there and all he can do is watch Elias and his internal struggle. The first thing that's able to come out is, "How did you find me?" to which Elias scoffs.
"I know you. I heard the sea on the phone and I knew you had run here. Let's go home." Elias is quiet as he says this, his eyes unreadable.
Cam makes no gesture to move and stands on his feet, his eyes glossing over as tears start to free fall. At the sight of his watering eyes, Elias quickly snaps off his seatbelt and opens the door to wrap his hands around the other boy. Cam loses all the tension in his body and lets himself fall into the arms of the boy he loves, and to whom he wants to whisper "I'm sorry," over and over again until his mouth feels stuffed with cotton because nothing can ever convey how miserable he is.
Both of them crumple to the ground, Elias serving as Cam's only support from the asphalt beneath them. And Cam lets out sob after sob, each one accompanied with a heavy silence that yearns to whisper into Elias's ears, I'm sorry, and I love you.
an:
wow so much angst in one chapter. writing these chapters is always very therapeutic and I hope this story... works? like you're not reading it thinking what the hell is going on why are they all angsty all of a sudden. i do think that i have integrated enough serious, real life moments to balance out the surrealism of the hook up/friends for benefit with your bestie situation. this is one of the more serious moments, i didn't think Cam would be like this because i imagined him in more of a confident whipped playboy type but the way Cam has turned out as i write him is a lot of fun too.
anyways, thank you for reading ! like and comment if you feel like it, comments always make my day ;)
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EUDEMONIA
General Fiction{BxB} (Previously titled: The Tale of the Disappearing Boxers) It all started with one too many shots of Fireball. I don't even like Fireball, but I was sad and I wanted to get drunk and it was the only liquor left at Tate's party. One shot led to a...
