Special - Ryden

Awsten's Part

Awsten's part

TW// Depression, suicide for attention, panic attacks

A/N:this part was a little bit triggering for me to write. It's pretty heavy. It was necessary for the way it's written, though, and I could handle it. This chapter is easy to skip and still understand what is happening in the story, so feel free to do that if you want to.

When I was 15, I had a girlfriend. I know now that dating at that age isn't a great idea. At the time, being the dumbass I was, I thought she was my soulmate. No one was better than her in my mind.

Even when I found out she was cheating. I hated her for doing it but I was still convinced I loved her.

I knew she was an attention seeker. I knew I wouldn't change that. I didn't know she would use me. I should have.

I don't know why my relationship with her was so important when it was so bad to me. Maybe it was how it ended. Maybe it was what was said. Maybe it was the fact I knew what was happening but didn't know how to get out.

I invited her to my house not long after I found out what she was doing. I wanted to talk. Find out why she was doing what she was. It turned into a screaming match.

"I'm not going to be with you anymore! I can't! You're just with me for your own gain, you don't fucking care!"

"I do care!" She was crying. I knew what her fake crying looked like. "Why else would I have gotten with you?"

"So you could brag about dating! So when you cheated you would be the talk of everything! Or, I dunno, maybe so you could tell everyone you helped the depressed 'emo' boy and act like the good guy here!"

The tears stoped. It was so sudden, it was confirmed they were fake.

"Don't tell me I'm any worse than you! You act so depressed and I know you're not! You have no reason to be depressed! And you look so happy so often!"

I didn't say anything. I wanted to punch her. She didn't know what it was like, or that the happiness was the facade all this time. When I told myself I was happy with her it was a lie. It was all the same.

"Why do you even do that? What attention do you need besides the colored hair and having a girlfriend?"

"Ever thought that maybe I'm not happy? I was faking that? Or dying my hair is how I cope? You have no idea what it's like! I tell you I'm okay and I'm happy and it's all a lie, to you and me! I'm sick of you, me, everything that is the same, everything that never makes a difference even when it should!"

"I'll show you! I'll fucking show you!" She was screaming as she burst into my room and walked over to the window.

"What... what are you doing?" This was the first thing I'd said in a calm voice since the fighting had started.

"I'll show you what you're doing! You stay with me, I won't. And I can show you things that actually work!"

She was doing this for herself. For her own attention. She made it seem like it wasn't right but she was doing it screaming about seeking for attention, she just wanted everything for herself.

"I can't. I don't want you to do this, but I'm worse with you. You make it so hard for me to be calm and happy. You're so stressful, it's bad for me."

She ran the short distance to hit the window, arms first, and shattered it into pieces.

I followed her, not thinking about what I was doing.

"NO!"

I was suddenly free-falling from the third floor of what was my house at the time. She was slightly below me, but my arm was stretched out in a way that I thought I could have caught her with. Not that it would have done anything. It feels like we've been falling for an hour by the time we're at the ground. My other hand was extended outwards towards the ground, and in my head I had been begging please stop please stop please stop please stop please stop-

And I did. She didn't, I did.

This was when I first figured out about my "powers". Telekinesis. I know that if I wasn't so focused on myself, she would have came out of that fine. It's my fault.

My parents don't know. To them I don't think it would matter, so I don't see the point in telling them. If I did they would probably be surprised and a little freaked out, maybe they wouldn't believe me until I showed them, but after the first 10 minutes I think the hype would have died down. A lot. 

Brendon and Dallon know about me. And I know about them. It was a lot at first, as telling someone you've known for forever something like this would be. But I think they're safe to talk to. They have experience. 

That doesn't mean I tell them everything.

They don't know about how I discovered it.

And I don't plan on telling them.

Not any time soon, at least.

A/N: sorry this one was heavy. I didn't have any other ideas and I kinda liked the concept but I was unsure of how to carry out on it. 

I wanna complain again that writing all this is Notes cause it's easiest at the time is annoying cause when I copy and paste it into google docs everything I had italicized to bolded changes back to normal so I have to go through and fix all of that.