The Gang Leader's Desire

(Chapter 4) Mom?

I don't get any sleep.

I cry the entire night

How could I be so fucking stupid

I bang my head continuously against the pole like a physcopath.

I debate on waking up Romeo, but if he knew I was pregnant, I have no idea what he would do.

I am the worst person in the world.

I hate myself.

What if my baby is dead. It probably is.

My sobbing gets louder until I am gasping for breath.

"Will you shut up?" I hear Romeo say in annoyance.

His voice makes me cry harder.

I hear him sigh and then get out of bed.

He comes over to me.

I try to calm my self but it just makes it worse.

He crouches down and slaps me.

"Shut the actual fuck up." He yells.

My eyes feel like they are submerged in water.

I can't stop.

I moan like a baby.

My baby probably never will get to grow up, have friends and family or even a name.

I want to give my baby a name now. So he/she has at least one thing besides a terrible mother.

I try to think of names. All the while Romeo stares at me.

I'm still not right in my mind.

I can't think.

I start banging my head on the pole again.

After a few times, Romeo puts his hand in-front of my head. Preventing it from hitting the pole. I continue to hit my head again and again against his hand but gradually I lose energy and just sob with my forehead in his hand.

I don't deserve to live.

I want to die.

No.

I could never do that to my baby.

I was only 4 months in.

I'm so so scared

What am I going to do.

"Give me a name." I say tiredly to Romeo without thinking.

"What?" He asks confused.

"Give me a fucking name."

"Boy or girl?" He asks.

I don't know why but this makes me cry 10 times harder.

"Both." I spill out.

"Carlo and Ambra" he says almost without thought. I can hear a small pain in his voice.

It's perfect.

"Carlo and Ambra." I say looking to my stomach.

Whoever you are and whatever gender, "I'm sorry" I whisper.

I don't think he notices.