teenage mind

i want to die

it's not that I want to die. if anything, I want to live. I'm just really tired of being me. someone who can't achive anything of worth, a privileged individual who could have done so much more with what i had but instead fell into a spiral of self-loathing and inepititude. I say I want to die so much that I may just as well be my mantra, but i know for a fact that it's just shorthand for waiting to be special, to be needed, to be important, to be wanted. falling short of these expectations of mine as well as the expectations of others, and feeling unimportant and alone at my age may as well be a corporal sin punishable by death, I probably don't deserve this life. so I go on saying I want to die.